Blood Ties
by Djinn1
Summary: This story, told from the point of view of Spock and Chapel's daughter gives a dark view of the couple. The tale twists and turns as it follows the young woman through the important events of the Star Trek universe. Is it AU? Maybe ... maybe not.
1. Default Chapter

A word of prelude: Shayla Ross is one version of the real name of Number One (from The Menagerie, or if you are a purist from The Cage). In some versions of her backstory she is Christine Chapel's older sister. I have drawn heavy inspiration from DebbieB's Shayla stories!! [Don't know her work? You are in for a treat! Go to ] The name Rise is pronounced like the Peanut Butter Cups or Ms. Witherspoon.  
  
Blood Ties By Djinn PG-13  
  
I sit, lounging rebelliously in the doctor's chair. There is no longer any reason to pretend, to take on that rigid Starfleet demeanor. The doctor looks at me expectantly, hoping against hope that this time I will talk. I will not. He wants to know all about me. But I will not tell him. But if I did, it would go something like this.  
  
My first memories are of my mother. She was my whole world, she and my aunt. Everything that I had, everything I knew, everything I wanted, was tied up in these two women.  
  
My name is Rise. Rise Chapel. Given life by one Christine Chapel. Formerly of Starfleet. Now buried six feet under. But I digress.  
  
I can remember when I was barely walking, seeing this wonderful, warm person who was my mother hold her arms out for me. With Momma there to catch me, I was never afraid of anything. She was the most loving and constant force I have ever known, or ever am likely to know. She worked long hours, but she was always there for me when she was home. I never felt neglected. I recognize now what a toll this must have taken on her physically. I think it made it easier for her that I was such a solemn child, preferring to cuddle up against her with a book of my own while she read her medical texts rather than engage in any rambunctious play. I never knew how tired she was all the time. Or how sad. She kept that hidden from me.  
  
As she also kept me hidden all these years from my father. I grew up not knowing who my father was, and I really didn't care. My mother was all I needed. What more could a father give to me? Not any more love, certainly, than that which I got from Christine Chapel. Excitement, perhaps? I had my Aunt Shayla Ross for that. She was a force of nature, that one. Blowing in and out of our lives at a moment's notice. On any given day she might show up and say, "C'mon we're going to the beach," and off we'd go. Packed off in her eccentric aqua blue aircar that she'd driven forever. The small cooler packed with sharp cheddar cheese, and sardines, and sodas for me. The cabinets filled with crackers and cookies. I never knew where we would end up and I never cared. For me, heaven was hanging over the front seat of that car as she and my mother talked.  
  
And then when we got to the beach, oh paradise, to splash into the surf, screaming as the bitter cold ate into my bare feet, running as the huge waves broke and threatened to sweep me away. My mother was never far away, always watching to make sure I wasn't caught in the undertow. "Be careful, Rise," she would warn.  
  
"She'll be fine, Chris," my aunt would say as she sat on the sand and laughed at my antics. "Let her play, let her have some fun."  
  
Later I would bring them all the treasures I had found and they would exclaim over them as if they were the most precious gems. And as the sun set, we would eat our picnic meal; one that no self-respecting child should touch but one that I found perfect when coupled with the day that had gone before. On the way home, I would fall asleep in the back seat, lulled by the murmuring voices of the two women in the front seat.  
  
Yes, those first years of my childhood were nearly idyllic for me. I would have been happy to go on that way forever. But happy times rarely last. I was six and a half years old when everything changed for me. That was the time I learned to hate. That was when a call came in for my mother and I was suddenly bundled off to my aunt's house. That was the day that as my mother rushed around packing my things I climbed up to the message log and played the one from him, from Spock. A dark man came to life in front of me, a man with pointy ears like my own. "It is time, Christine," was all he said.  
  
"Rise, damn it! What are you doing?"  
  
I cringed at my mother's tone. She rarely ever had to yell at me. Normally my precociousness pleased her. Not today. As my tears started to fall I managed to mumble out the question I should never have asked, "Who is he, Momma?"  
  
She stared hard at me. Finally she sighed and knelt down, taking me in her arms. Her voice was barely a whisper as she said the words that changed my life, "He's your father, Rise. Spock is your father."  
  
***********************  
  
Shayla was there a few minutes later to take me to her place. She grabbed my mother by the shoulders, shook her just a little, "Chris, are you going to be ok?"  
  
My mother gave her a brief nod then motioned with her chin toward me. "She knows."  
  
"Shit, Chris! What were you thinking?"  
  
"She found out on her own. You know how smart she is. She figured out how to run the comm station."  
  
Shayla, who had taught me that little trick, had the grace to look chagrined. "Well it doesn't matter now. We need to get out of here. Call me when he is gone."  
  
For once my aunt had no time for the games we always played. She simply grabbed my suitcase in one hand, me by the other and we made a dash for the aircar. She had us airborne in record time, and as I turned to watch the apartment building I saw the man turn the corner and stride quickly up the block to our complex.  
  
"Who is Spock, Aunt Shayla?"  
  
"A cold-hearted son of a bitch, that's who." She never minded her language around me when we were alone. But I knew better than to repeat it back to her or to my mother. She sighed heavily. "You're too young to hear all of this, Rise. You're just too damn young."  
  
I stared out the window. My thoughts were fixated on the tall, dark figure that had entered our apartment building. "When the other kids ask me about my father, I tell them he's dead. It's easier than saying I don't know who he is. I never thought I would see him. How come he doesn't want to see me?"  
  
Shayla threw me a quick look, but seemed reassured by the calm look I gave her. "Aww honey, it's not like that, really. Your mommy never told your Daddy about you. He really doesn't know you exist."  
  
"So he would want me?"  
  
"Yes, probably. And he'd no doubt take you away from us if he could."  
  
I felt alarm bells go off in my stomach, "Take me away from Momma, and from you?"  
  
"Yes, honey."  
  
I thought about this. "He is a bad man."  
  
Shayla's face grew cold as she agreed, "Yes, Rise. He is a bad, bad man."  
  
**************  
  
Four days later, Shayla took me back to my mother. She was a different woman than the one that I had left. Despite her warm hug I could feel how withdrawn she was, how hurt.  
  
"Momma? " I touched her face, unconsciously reaching for points that I had never been taught. She shied back with a cry. "Momma! I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?"  
  
Shayla pulled me away, "Your momma needs to rest now, honey. I think I better stay the night." She sat me on the couch and handed me a book. "Can you be a big girl and wait here for me?"  
  
I nodded, pretended to read the book.  
  
She pulled my mother up. That simple contact set the woman who had been my strength all these years to weeping piteously.  
  
"It's ok, honey. It's over now." Shayla consoled her. They disappeared into my mother's bedroom.  
  
I climbed off the couch and walked around the living room. There were things missing. A statue of a horse that I had especially loved, an antique bowl. I wandered into the kitchen, opened the trash receptacle. They were there. In shards. I pulled some out at random. Without entirely knowing what I meant to do I closed my eyes and reached into the pottery, into the bronze.  
  
The pottery shard splintered into more pieces as I dropped it. The bronze piece fell on my toe but I didn't feel the pain. Not that pain anyway. No, I pushed the visions away. No, get away from her! You're hurting her! Can't you see how tired she is! I started to weep as I tried to escape the terrible pictures of the man called Spock and my mother. He would not leave her alone. He was on her, they were doing something I didn't understand. My mother didn't fight him. She seemed resigned to what was happening. But I could tell she did not want it, did not want him. "Leave her alone," I screamed aloud this time.  
  
"Rise! Come back, Rise!" My mother was shaking me.  
  
I threw myself into her arms, sobbing hysterically. "Momma, I'm so sorry, Momma. I tried to make him stop. I tried."  
  
Momma sank to the floor, pulling me into a tighter hug. "Shhh, sugar. It's ok. You couldn't help Momma. You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"She's a Vulcan, alright," my aunt observed bitterly as she cleaned up the broken pieces. "God, she hasn't even had any training and the gifts are coming out. You have to do something, Christine."  
  
"What? If I send her to a Vulcan they'll take her away. You know they'll tell Spock. She is his heir. He won't let her go once he finds out she exists."  
  
Shayla joined us on the floor. "How you've kept this from him is a miracle to me. Even in the meld? Even during the pain of childbirth, you kept her locked away deep in your mind. I don't understand it."  
  
"You're not a mother," my mother answered simply. "If you were, you'd understand. I'd do anything to protect her, to protect us."  
  
"I know you would. But how do you protect her from this, Chris. She saw what happened. But she doesn't understand it."  
  
I broke in, "He hurt Momma."  
  
My mother smoothed my hair back, kissed my cheek softly. "Yes sweetheart, he did. But he didn't mean to. You remember when we watched that special vid on salmon, how when it is their time they swim upstream and no matter what they keep going."  
  
I nodded solemnly.  
  
"Well your Father's people are like that sometimes. They get in a mindless sort of state. They are driven to do what you saw. And the problem is that your Father is much stronger than I am. So I get tired a long time before he does. He didn't mean to hurt me, really."  
  
I knew that I looked unconvinced. Especially when I looked at her arm, where the sleeve had pushed up, and saw the marks of his fingers on her pale skin. I touched them, spreading my fingers as far as they would go to try to fill the space. My mother flinched when I pushed too hard. Someday, I vowed, someday I would make my Father pay for hurting her.  
  
************************  
  
Slowly life returned to normal for us. My mother went back to work and I began to relax as weeks went by and my father did not return. But he haunted me. During the day I tried to figure out how it all happened, how I happened. At night I had dreams, sometimes bad where he dragged me away from my mother, and sometimes worse where he held out his hand to me and I went willingly. I spent hours looking up Vulcan and Spock on our home computer. What I found only confused me more. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. "Momma? Please tell me about you and my father?"  
  
She looked at me over her book. "Rise, I really don't think that now is a good time."  
  
"I really need to know." I sat up straight.  
  
She put down the book and smiled at me with such affection I felt my heart catch. "You're so much older than your age, in looks, in mental ability. It must be your Vulcan blood." She patted her lap. "Come here, if I'm going to tell you this, I want you close to me."  
  
I settled into her welcoming lap and snuggled into her arms.  
  
"Oh, Rise," she whispered, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." She seemed to gather her thoughts, and I could sense her hesitation.  
  
"Once upon a time." I prompted.  
  
She laughed and began. "Once upon a time there was a nurse named Christine," she looked down at me and I pointed up at her with a smile, "that served on a Starship."  
  
"The Enterprise," I added.  
  
She looked at me in surprise. "How do you know that?"  
  
"I looked it up. Both you and Aunt Shayla served on it."  
  
"Yes," she agreed, "but not at the same time."  
  
"But you both served with Spock."  
  
She squeezed me, "Hey, who's telling this story, huh?"  
  
"Sorry." I tried to look contrite, which only made her laugh.  
  
"Anyway, I fell in love with the first officer, your father, Spock. Your father is half Vulcan and half Human. That makes you three quarters Human and a quarter Vulcan, even though you don't look it. You could so easily pass for a pure Vulcan, Rise."  
  
I filed that fact away as she continued with her story.  
  
"One day, in the second year of our voyage, your father began to suffer from Pon Farr. It is the Vulcan mating urge. It is like the salmon going upstream to spawn. Only in a Vulcan's case he will die if he doesn't succeed. Spock had to go back to Vulcan to be married to his fiancée so they could make a baby and so he and she wouldn't die. But she didn't want to be married to him and challenged in a very old ritual."  
  
"Then what happened?"  
  
"It gets kind of complicated after that. But your father had to fight, and at the end he won the woman back, but he didn't want to keep her against her will."  
  
"Then he was going to die?"  
  
"No. The fight seemed to make everything better. Or so we thought. About a year later, it happened again. It is only supposed to happen every seven years." She could see me counting back, "Yes, Rise, this was the end of seven years. But that first time was out of cycle, either because he is human or because of something that happened to him during one of the other missions, we were never sure. But he needed someone and I was there and I loved him so much. I would have done anything to keep him alive."  
  
"Why did you run away?"  
  
"I'm getting to that part, honey. Just be patient." She hugged me to take any sting out of her words. "Your father and I did those things you saw. And just like you have things you can do with your mind, he does too, and he made me his wife that way. And so when it was all over, I was the one that he would always come to when the Pon Farr came over him."  
  
I frowned as I thought over the other families I knew. "But husbands and wives live together. They love each other."  
  
She smiled sadly, "Yes, humans love each other. But Vulcans are a little different. Or maybe they aren't and it was just that your father truly could not love *me*. In any case, I tried to live with him, I really did. And I probably would have tried even longer if I hadn't realized I was pregnant. You see Rise, your father is a very honorable man, and a fine scientist, but he is very cold. I was so very lonely with him. I wanted so many things from him that he could never, or would never give me. And I couldn't subject you, my little one, to that same coldness, that same yearning. So I told him I was leaving him. But I can't ever really leave him. The bond he and I share makes sure of that. He let me go because he knew that I would be there for him when his time came again. I would have no choice. He would die without it and I would die without him. The bond is that strong."  
  
She stopped for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. "You and I have lived on Earth for some time. I finished up my degree and became a doctor instead of a nurse. During that time Spock finished out his tour on the Enterprise and then returned to Vulcan to work on some special projects with his own father, who is the Vulcan Ambassador to the Federation. I have had no contact with Spock in that time. And I've hidden you away from him."  
  
"Because he would take me away." I said with scared assurance.  
  
"Baby, I don't want you to be afraid of him. But I can see him trying to do that, or at least trying to make a life for us all together, a life that would ultimately be a lie. You were mine, all mine. And I wanted to keep it that way."  
  
I leaned into her, pondering her words. "I don't like him anyway. He hurt you."  
  
"Honey he didn't mean to. I should have done something, rested up, or exercised more, or taken some stimulants, I don't know. I mean I knew he was coming back but I just didn't want to believe it. But, I could feel it."  
  
"Through the bond," I asked, understanding in some basic way I could not explain.  
  
"Yes through the bond." She shifted underneath me. "But your father may not be coming back again."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"As bad as this time was for me, and I know you felt just how bad it was, it was worse for your father. Can you imagine for a moment what it must be like for someone who has all that control until this hits, who then has to go to someone that does not want him, someone that has no choice in the matter, someone that he hurts as the time together progresses. He is a gentle man at heart, Rise. A cold and perhaps unfeeling man, but not a brute. I know that what happened between us this time affected him deeply."  
  
She rested her head on my shoulder, "I know you've been reading all you can about Vulcan," when I looked up at her in shock, she laughed, "I get the bills for all that research, sweetie. You couldn't just look it up in the local library could you? You had to access Starfleet and Federation records. And I have a feeling you may have gone some other places that they didn't bill you for because they didn't know you were there? What did I tell you about hacking?"  
  
"I'm not supposed to gain unauthorized access into computer systems, or try to get around security measures just because I can."  
  
"That didn't sound very heartfelt, Rise. You are so like your aunt sometimes. Anyway, did you come across the term Kolinahr?"  
  
I searched my memory. "It is a system of learning to pursue pure logic."  
  
"Very good. Yes, it is the means that Spock hopes to use to purge himself of all emotion, Human and Vulcan. Those that achieve mastery of Kolinahr have the mental discipline necessary to withstand the Pon Farr."  
  
"If he masters it," I said skeptically. "It sounded very difficult to do that."  
  
"If anyone can do it, Rise, your father will be the one." She kissed my neck, then switched to a game where she blew on my neck making a loud noise, at which I squealed loudly and tried to squirm away. As we both laughed at the silliness I turned and gave her a fierce hug. "I love you Momma. I love you more than anything."  
  
She hugged me back just as strongly. "I know, sugar. I love you more than anything, too."  
  
*************************  
  
For two years we lived undisturbed, once more a happy unit of two, or three when Shayla was around. I was never entirely sure what my aunt did or where she went when she was out of town. I asked my mother once and could not get a straight answer. One day when Shayla had snatched me away for a quick trip to the zoo I worked up the nerve to ask her. As we threw bread to the ducks, I said, "Where do you go when you disappear, Aunt Shayla?"  
  
She turned to me, blue eyes sparkling with amusement. "Just like your father, painfully blunt."  
  
"That is a distraction."  
  
She ruffled my hair. "Nobody would believe you aren't even nine yet. You have grown up so much in the last few years." She pulled some more bread from the bag. "I have some side businesses, Rise. Just some things I do, you know.this and that."  
  
"And you go.?"  
  
"Oh here and there."  
  
"This and that and here and there are rather imprecise. You don't want to tell me do you? Is it because you think I will tell on you?"  
  
"Darling, that is the last thing I would worry about. You would never betray anyone or anything you cared about, not if it was in your power to resist. No, I just think it is better if you don't know all the details. Let's just say that some of the things I do are a little irregular."  
  
I threw the last of the bread into the pond. "Illegal you mean?"  
  
"Well that would be the harsh interpretation."  
  
I couldn't help myself; she made me laugh, as she always had been able to. I bumped up against her realizing with a start that I had grown so much in my last few growth spurts that I no longer seemed like a child next to her. It had happened so gradually with my mother that I had not paid attention. But Shayla was a couple of inches taller and had always seemed like an amazon to me.  
  
Inside I was half child and half young woman. No doubt the Vulcan blood that circulated in my veins caused this advanced maturation as well. I had continued my studies of Vulcans, only this time being careful that I left no traces in the databases that I searched. I wanted to know everything I could about my father's people, just in case. And there was the matter of my mental abilities. I had downloaded some children's telepathic exercises from the Vulcan Science Academy's restricted databases and had been practicing them for some time. I was making good progress even if I was a bit behind. But I wouldn't be lagging for long. I was very smart. Already in school I was well ahead of my classmates and had been moved up three grades for many of my subjects. I still enjoyed recess with my younger friends though, mother had insisted on that. She didn't want me to forget how to play. How to be Human, I corrected.  
  
As I began to understand more of my mother's earlier life I marveled at her ability to keep me a secret from her friends and coworkers. She kept in touch with her former crewmates from the Enterprise but never invited them to our place, which was deliberately far away from Starfleet Medical. She had to take three transporter hops and public transportation to get home to us in our apartment outside Seattle. But the distance allowed us to wander freely in her off hours without worrying about running into Starfleet colleagues, who would have all sorts of uncomfortable questions about her young Vulcan daughter. The few times that people had come to visit, Aunt Shayla took me somewhere for an overnight trip. Somewhere invariably so fun or strange that I didn't mind at all being sent away.  
  
It helped her that I was healthy as a child, and that as a doctor in Starfleet she had access to all the vaccinations and other medicines a growing child would need. I never had to see another physician. Even when I was born, Shayla had delivered me in a psi-shielded room that she had found for my mother. As far as Starfleet knew, Christine Chapel had a daughter, a human daughter. And no Vulcan had ever been the wiser, not even the one that mattered the most.  
  
**************  
  
It was my ninth birthday when everything changed again. We had a party with my friends from school at the zoo. As the birthday girl I had been allowed special access to some of the animals. I fed the penguins, and milked a cow, and even held a falcon on a glove. She was so beautiful that I had gasped out loud as she flapped her wings to get comfortable.  
  
The raptor keeper smiled at me indulgently, "You're a strong one. Most girls your age can't hold one of these beauties. It's your birthday today? You must be quite the heartbreaker for all those boys in your high school? If you were a little bit older I'd introduce you to my son."  
  
I just smiled at him; I was getting used to people mistaking me for a teenager. I whispered to the bird and tried to reach out to her with my mind. She made a little raspy cry and then tilted her head toward me. Slowly I reached over and scratched behind her neck. She stretched a bit more so that I could get some hard to reach places. I could feel her pleasure.  
  
"Well, I'll be damned." The keeper was clearly stunned. "You've got the touch, Miss. You should work with animals."  
  
I realized that he was right. I had never felt such peace as I did at this moment. I smiled back at him as he gently removed the bird from my arm. *Good bye,* I whispered in my mind to the bird.  
  
*Feel good.person go.sad,* I clearly heard come back from the falcon.  
  
I ran back to my mother and wrapped my arms around her. "Did you see, Mom? I held the bird." I didn't tell her about talking to the falcon. She seemed happier thinking that my mental abilities were going to stay latent.  
  
"Yes, Rise. I saw. You took a chance petting it though." She saw my face fall as she said that. "Obviously it turned out ok, so we'll forget it."  
  
We walked together through the rest of the zoo, my friends sometimes running ahead, sometimes hanging back with us. When we came upon a peacock in full spread, we all stopped to admire the beautiful tail feathers.  
  
"He is sacred to Hera." I explained to one of my friends. I was fascinated by mythology, Greek in particular. I knew all the gods, demigods, and other creatures." Hera was the queen of the gods. She was married to Zeus, but he was always playing around on her so she got really mad a lot of the time." I realized that the story was going to get a little too adult for my human friends so I trailed off. Sometimes it was very lonely being me.  
  
We dropped the other girls off at their homes and then Mom and I walked back to our apartment. She seemed unusually quiet and I felt myself becoming worried. "Are you ok, Mom?"  
  
"There's just no keeping anything from you, Rise, is there?" She took my hand but didn't look at me. "I have to go away for a while."  
  
I felt a moment of panic. She had never gone away. "For how long."  
  
"I'm not sure. Oh, Rise, I don't know how to tell you this so I'm just going to be straight with you. A friend of mine has just been named captain of the Enterprise and he needs a CMO. And he wants me. But it means I'll be gone, in space, for a while."  
  
I was quiet as I digested this information. I fought back the terror I felt at the idea of not being with her. "This would be good for you?"  
  
"Yes. Very good for my career."  
  
"Then you should do it." I felt some pride in my adult words even though I could feel the little girl that was still left inside me scream in protest. "Will I stay with Shayla?"  
  
"Yes. You'd like that wouldn't you?"  
  
"Well, if I can't stay with you." I smiled wryly at her so she could see that I was not protesting. "Yes, it will be fine. You know how she indulges me."  
  
Mother laughed nervously, "Yes, I'm a little worried about that." She stopped in the middle of the street and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back with as much love as I could give her.  
  
"I'll miss you so much, Rise. I'll miss seeing your face."  
  
"But I can send you messages, Mom." I felt confusion.  
  
She corrected me gently, "Voice messages only. All shipboard transmissions are monitored. No one must know that you are a Vulcan, not while you are still so young. Some day we will tell them the truth."  
  
I smiled back at her. "When it is too late for anyone to do anything about it, right?"  
  
"Right, pardner."  
  
Two weeks later she reported to the Enterprise and I went to live with my aunt.  
  
********************  
  
Life at Shayla's was a never-ending adventure. She lived in the woods a short way from our apartment. Her house had a long dirt driveway covered with trees. Aircars had to stay low to find our place. Anyone coming down that drive blew up a lot of dust long before they got to the house. Sensors along the road and in various places in the surrounding woods also notified us of anyone entering the property. "I like my privacy," my aunt was fond of saying. "And I like knowing who's coming to visit."  
  
I assumed all these precautions had to do with her business but it was impossible to tell as strangers did not as a rule show up at the house. But my Aunt's old friends did. Dr. Phillip Boyce, formerly CMO aboard the Enterprise, often visited. He was very fond of me, and spent many hours telling me of his and Shayla's exploits. I loved to listen to him. Another frequent visitor was a young man that seemed to be some sort of partner of my aunt's. His name was Cameron Jameson, and I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He loved to tease me but he only had eyes for my aunt. They often talked obliquely about business, and from listening to them I began to build a picture in my mind of their enterprise. Whatever it was it clearly took them off world much of the time. I surmised that they had their own ship. I even heard Cameron refer to the Miranda, so that is what I named her in my mind. The way I pictured her she was a sleek little thing. Fully armed of course, but capable of outrunning just about anything. She would look harmless of course. It wouldn't do for smugglers--for that is what I decided my aunt and her partner were--to attract too much attention.  
  
Shayla tried not to leave me very often during the time that my mother was gone. When she did go offworld she had Phillip come stay with me. We had so much fun together. I found his medical skills especially useful with the injured animals that invariably found their way to our door. Ever since the incident with the falcon, I had been entranced with the communication I could have with animals. I called out to them in my mind. At first it was just some curious squirrels and jays and crows that showed up at my window. Then soon I noticed that when I walked in the woods the deer and shyer birds didn't flee from me. I didn't try to touch them, but I talked to them and felt them send something back. One day I went out and found a baby rabbit sitting on the porch, sides heaving in fright. Something had badly torn his leg. I calmed him with my touch and took him inside. Holding him wrapped in a warm towel in my arms, I called Phillip and had him walk me through the proper procedure to fix the rabbit's leg. After some cleaning and even a stitch or two, the bunny fell asleep on my lap. Two days later he was well enough to hop around, and the next day I let him free outside. He left without a backward glance. I tried not to be sad. I knew he was a wild animal. Two weeks later a pregnant cat showed up just in time to have me help her with a difficult delivery. We found homes for all the kittens with my friends and the mother cat ended up staying with us for good. After that it seemed like there was always at least one or two other animals convalescing at the house. Cameron even built some heated hutches outside for them.  
  
I was still doing well at school. I was ten in Human years but over that time I had moved ahead so many grades that I was now starting my sophomore year in high school. I loved studying and found the sciences and math came naturally to me.  
  
"You have an advantage," my aunt used to tease me, "You've got two geniuses for parents. Both of them live for scientific research."  
  
But I loved the classics too. I read my mythology still, but also some of the old literature. Shayla had tons of old works on her info system and I would often download one to my reader and go off into the woods to enjoy it.  
  
It was a wonderful year, but I missed my mother terribly. We sent messages back and forth usually every day. And about once a week we would talk. Her voice sounded so good to me. I tried to tell her every little thing I had done since I last spoke to her and she generally told me that she was enjoying her tour on the Enterprise. I was surprised to learn from the Starfleet databases that I still routinely hacked into that all of her old crewmates had reunited for this tour. All of them. Spock too. Her voice sounded different when she talked about him. She still loves him, I realized finally. I found it difficult to understand how she could stand to be around him, much less enjoy it. My aunt reassured me that whatever my mother felt for my father wouldn't change our life.  
  
"Until the next time he calls for her," I reminded her bitterly.  
  
"Maybe that won't happen this time," my aunt tried to tell me. I decided not to argue with her, but I was not looking forward to that time, four years hence, when he would again summon my mother.  
  
**************  
  
Shayla and I were up in the attic. She had decided it was time to clean out the old boxes that had belonged to her parents. When her mother had passed away my aunt had put the cartons away without looking through them. We had already spent over an hour looking at old vid albums. I had laughed to see my mother and my aunt as children. Shayla had been wild of course. My mother had been more circumspect. They looked like twins then, just as they did still, even though there was five years between them.  
  
"Hey look at this, Rise."  
  
I left a box of old games to see what she had found. It was a jewelry box made of a reddish purple wood. I stroked it softly. It was so smooth. Shayla pulled it out and dusted it off. The rich patina of the wood shone. "It's beautiful," I whispered.  
  
"It's purple heart." She opened the box. It was empty inside. She handed it to me, "Here, you should have it if you like it."  
  
I stroked the lustrous wood, then noticed something stuck between the velvet padding and the wall. I dug it out and studied the ring of white metal. It was very simple. A thin band that spread slightly at the center then went back to the original width. The widest part was embellished with small cuts that made the ring shine. "I'm surprised it hasn't tarnished," I said as I handed it to my aunt.  
  
She studied it, then looked at the underside. "It's not silver, it's white gold. I remember my grandmother wearing this." She handed it back to me. "You should have it, Rise. Something that is yours but part of the larger family."  
  
I tried the ring on. It was too big for my fingers.  
  
"Wrap some adhesive strips around it," my aunt advised, "that will make it fit."  
  
I put the ring back in the box and when we were done in the attic I found some of my medical tape and wrapped it around the backside of the ring. I slid it onto my middle left finger. That was the finger that Vulcans wore their house rings on. It pleased me to blend my heritages. Even though I feared my father and the threat I believed he represented, I had only become more fascinated with Vulcans as I grew up. In some ways I wished I could meet one someday, but I never had the opportunity.  
  
As we sat down to dinner I decided to broach the subject with my aunt. "Do you think that mother was right to hide me from my father?"  
  
My aunt looked up at me in surprise. She started to answer quickly then stopped and thought for a moment. She studied me with narrowed eyes. "Do you wish she hadn't?"  
  
I met her gaze calmly. "It's not that I miss him. I have everything I want with her and with you. But part of me is Vulcan. And that part of my character has been left to lie fallow."  
  
"You've been studying on your own, Rise. Your mother may not have caught on that you have nurtured your mental powers, but I certainly am aware of it. How far have your progressed?"  
  
"I am about where I should be now. But it is all book learning. I have no practical experience."  
  
Shayla laughed, "Well don't go trying it on me, kiddo." We ate for a while in silence, then she surprised me by saying, "I don't think Spock would have tried to take you away from Christine."  
  
"Then why.?"  
  
"When your mother came back to me, when she had left Spock and was carrying you, she was heartbroken. She had tried so hard with your father. But he had shut her out as only a Vulcan who is not interested in you can. She loved him utterly. And he was indifferent or perhaps mildly fond of her. That wasn't enough, and I don't blame her for leaving but she was a fool in the first place to think that buried under the Vulcan she knew was a heart of fire. Sometimes a cold exterior only hides an even colder interior."  
  
I had never thought of it that way. "So she took me away to protect me from that coldness?"  
  
Shayla seemed to weigh her next comment heavily. "Rise, I'm going to speak my opinion to you. You may not like what I have to say."  
  
"We can be honest," I assured her.  
  
"Has it every occurred to you, Rise, that your mother is the selfish one here, not Spock? She took you away from him, when by all accounts he would have tried to welcome you and build a family with your both. Perhaps she really did want to protect you. Or maybe she just wanted you all to herself." She hesitated, then stared me in the eyes, "Or perhaps she couldn't bear the possibility that he would look at you with the love that he would never show her?"  
  
I sat stunned. "You can't be serious."  
  
She got up to clear the table. "I told you that you wouldn't like what I had to say. But before you decide what is truth at least examine all the potential answers."  
  
I got up angrily, rushing to the door to escape my aunt. At the last minute I turned, shouted at her. "I know my mother. She would die for me. She wanted to protect me. She would never have taken me away if she didn't think it was the best thing for me."  
  
My aunt seemed suddenly very tired as she sighed. "Of course dear. Of course you're right."  
  
**********************  
  
I was just starting my second year at Shayla's when we got a subspace call. I rushed to the comm unit and was overjoyed to hear my mother's voice.  
  
"Rise?"  
  
"Mom! What are you doing calling, we just talked two days ago."  
  
"I had to, honey. I've got great news! I've been offered Director of Starfleet Emergency Operations. The job is in San Francisco."  
  
"You mean.?"  
  
"Yep, Rise. I'm coming home! I'll be back in two weeks."  
  
I shrieked with happiness and Shayla rushed in to see what the matter was. "She's coming home, Shayla."  
  
She smiled in understanding and shooed me outside so she could figure out logistics with my mother.  
  
I was so excited I could barely stand still and found myself running through the woods, every now and then stopping to spin in pure bliss. She was coming home!  
  
******************  
  
The exotic paper crackled in my hands as I unwrapped the present, one of many my mother had brought back for me. We had spent the first few hours of her homecoming alternately hugging and catching up on all the things that couldn't be crammed into a short subspace call. Now after a light dinner she had opened her bags to dig out the things she had brought back for me.  
  
"Oh it is so good to see you, Rise. You've grown so tall. And so beautiful." She stroked my face, kissed me tenderly. "Those soulful brown eyes. They belong to your father, sweetheart."  
  
"I don't look like either of you though, do I?" I had studied his pictures for long enough to know that aside from the eyes and the ears I did not favor him. Same for my mother, except for our smile and the way we would try to hide it, which would only light up our eyes.  
  
"You look like yourself, Rise. And right now you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." She pushed at the package. "Open this. I'm dying to see what you think of it."  
  
I gently peeled the paper off and gasped in surprise and pleasure. It was a beautiful medical bag made of some tough but iridescent material. The bag was full of delicate instruments. "Mother."  
  
"For your animal hospital. It's from Primus Eight. Animals are revered there. Veterinarians are held in the highest esteem. Upon graduation they get a bag just like this. I told my contact there that my niece had a veritable menagerie. He was very impressed and insisted I take this back for you." She stopped suddenly, pulled me in close, "I hated calling you that, Rise. I don't want to live a lie like that anymore."  
  
"When I finish high school next year, Mom. Maybe then we should stop hiding the truth."  
  
"Yes. That would be a good graduation gift wouldn't it?" She grinned at me.  
  
I smiled in relief. "The best!"  
  
**************  
  
Our life settled back into the wonderful routine I had relished as a child. My mother worked hard in her new job. She was often stuck in San Francisco when she was handling a crisis. I was old enough to stay by myself but she preferred that I had someone with me so I usually went to Shayla's. Sometimes I stayed overnight with a school chum. By this time most of my friends were not my own age but the high school kids I spent every day with. They accepted me as their equal even though I had not technically entered my teen years.  
  
My father was back on Earth. He had left the Enterprise to take a teaching position at Starfleet academy. He frequently used the ship for cadet exercises, and Admiral Kirk often went with him. My mother often got a strange look on her face when her former captain's name was mentioned. I asked Shayla about it once.  
  
"She's jealous." Shayla turned back to what she had been doing.  
  
"Could you elaborate?"  
  
She turned back to me. "Spock and Kirk enjoy a closeness that your mother wishes she shared with your father."  
  
I was puzzled. "Do you mean that they are." I trailed off, embarrassed at what I was thinking.  
  
Shayla shrugged. "Who knows? Certainly there have been rumors. But I actually doubt it. I believe that they are the closest of friends. Anything else is not my business."  
  
"It would explain a lot." I mused.  
  
"Sure it would. Which is why it probably isn't true. Life is rarely free with such easy answers, Rise. You know that."  
  
"Yeah," I grinned, admitting defeat. "I just liked it as a nice tidy reason for why he doesn't love mom."  
  
****************  
  
"Spock! Noooooooooooooooooo!" My mother's scream pierced the darkness.  
  
I woke with a start. Disoriented for a moment, I ran to her room. Flipping on the light I was shocked to see her thrashing on the bed, calling out his name in desperate entreaty.  
  
"Mother?" I reached for her and narrowly missed being hit in the face by her fist. "Mother, stop it. Wake up, it's only a nightmare."  
  
She screamed his name again, then again.  
  
I held her down, realizing at that moment that I had grown stronger than she was even in this fevered state. "Mother, wake up!"  
  
Her eyes opened then. Thank god, I thought. "Mother it's alright. It was just a nightmare."  
  
Even as I watched the light in her eyes dimmed. "Spock?" she moaned. "You can't die."  
  
I suddenly understood and sat helplessly as I watched my mother slowly follow my father into death.  
  
******************************  
  
To this day I don't know if it was the Vulcan in me or the Human that refused to just let my mother go. With an anguished cry of denial I fell onto her, hand firmly grasping her face, fingers finding the meld points. I had some idea from my studies what to expect but I was nearly defeated by the emptiness that waited for me at the core of my mother's mind.  
  
*Mother!* I screamed over and over. *Mom, come back to me. Don't leave me.*  
  
Somewhere, very deep and very far away, I felt a small flicker of reaction. And I dove without hesitation into the long chamber that led to her. "Mother?*  
  
*Rise?* her mind-voice was weak. *Go back, Rise. You can't follow me.*  
  
*Why not? You can follow him but I can't follow you?* I sensed her trying to slip away from me. *No, Mom. If you go, I go too.*  
  
*Rise, please. You don't understand.*  
  
I could sense the essence of her pain, but she was right I couldn't understand it. *Then show me. Show me why you need to follow him.*  
  
*Oh, Rise. My child. No.*  
  
I screamed in fury, *Show me or I'll follow you and ask him myself!*  
  
Suddenly I was surrounded by memories, by emotions, by pain so much pain. I felt the enormity of my mother's love for my father. How even during their darkest moments she had never stopped loving him with everything she had. I also felt her guilt. Guilt for having taken me away from him. All the terrible things my aunt had said my mother had felt at one time or another. But overriding all of this was the incredible devotion that my mother felt for me. I grabbed onto that.  
  
*Don't leave me, Mom. I need you so much. Please don't leave me.*  
  
She tried to turn away but her love got in the way. *Rise, let me go.*  
  
I used her emotion to pull her back up the long chamber. *I can't, Mom. I can't. Come home with me. Please come home.*  
  
I felt her surrender before she even moved to follow me. *Yes, Mom, that's right. I need you. I love you.*  
  
It took forever, but finally we were back at what I could only think of as the right place. I let go of her and she settled back into the fabric of her mindspace. I watched for a while to make sure that she didn't flee, but she appeared to have given up on dying. Exhausted I pulled out of her mind.  
  
I moved only enough to cover us both up, then I curled up into her and fell asleep.  
  
****************  
  
I woke to a gentle touch on my cheek. "Mom?"  
  
She moved gingerly, obviously still exhausted. "You saved me, Rise."  
  
"I had to. I couldn't let you die. I need you."  
  
She closed her eyes but kept talking. "I couldn't help myself. I felt him dying and part of me just started following, then more of me went till there was almost nothing left." Her eyes opened suddenly, "Rise, just exactly *how* did you know what to do?"  
  
"Instinct?"  
  
"I don't think so. How long have you been working on your mental skills?"  
  
"For years, Mom. Please don't be mad. I'm a Vulcan, it was driving me nuts not to be able to control what was happening to me."  
  
She sighed. "I'm not mad. How can I be? You *are* Vulcan and I should have done so many things differently."  
  
"Don't say that! I wouldn't trade the life you've given me for any other!"  
  
She was about to argue when the comm unit rang. Groaning, I reached over and hit the button. "Chapel."  
  
"Rise?" It was Shayla, "Is she alright?"  
  
"Yes. But it was close. How did you know?"  
  
"It's been all over the news, I saw it as soon as I got back. But honey did you see the latest?"  
  
I realized my mother and I had been fighting our private mental battle for much longer than I realized. I glanced over at the chrono. Four days from that awful moment when I'd thought I was losing her forever. Four days!  
  
"Rise? Are you there?"  
  
"I'm here. What's the latest?"  
  
"I don't know how, but he's alive."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Spock is alive."  
  
I looked at my mother and saw in her face confusion, anger, and tragically hope. Suddenly I hated my father more than ever.  
  
*********************************  
  
I recovered much more quickly than my mother. She took some sick leave and slept for days. When she was dreaming I would often sit by her bed and try to calm her. I didn't invade her mind again; I just tried to send comforting thoughts, much as I did for the animals.  
  
Shayla too tried to help. But mom was not responding to the old ribbing as we had hoped. She walked around the house like a ghost. Even once she was fully recovered and again at work it was as if a part of her had never come back from that road to oblivion.  
  
It was then, as I worried about her and tried to think of ways to make things better for her, that I began to form what I came to call my memory bomb. It was for my father, if fate ever decided to have us share minds, which in my heart I knew was highly unlikely. But making this little weapon helped me deal with what was going on. Inside of the bomb I piled every sad and painful memory I could think of. All the details of our life without him. All the pain he had caused her and me too. It was a potent little thing. I meant it to be. I might only have a second to show him all of the things I wanted him to know. I might only have a second to hurt him. I intended to make the best use of that second. When I wasn't refining the mental dagger I hid it deep inside me. I did not want it escaping inadvertently. No, if this were ever used, it would be on purpose.  
  
*************  
  
In the end it was a crisis of galactic proportions that pulled my mother out of her depression. The Whale Probe as it came to be called was too big to be ignored. With a whole planet and more depending on her, she rallied and the old Christine Chapel suddenly reemerged  
  
And in the end it didn't matter that she was not the one that saved anything. She was back. Whole. But even sadder. She had run into my father during the hearing that was the aftermath. He had spoken to her politely. But nothing more. He did not try to take her aside and find out how she had dealt with his death. He appeared to not even remember that they had been bondmates.  
  
That was what made my mother the saddest. Even though she had not found the happiness she had wished for with my father, she had been his wife in every other way that mattered. Now she was not. His death had dissolved the bond. It would be easy to reestablish it, easy that is if the two people involved wanted it. And at least one of them did not.  
  
Mother threw herself into work. She started to keep longer and longer hours. I was working hard to finish up my courses in high school so I did not notice at first. I was fixated on doing well in the advanced placement classes that would help me get into veterinary school. But eventually I realized that when she shut her door at night I could often hear sobbing. I did not know what to do for her. So I went to Shayla. Her solution was simple.  
  
"Time for a change of scene. And I know just the place. It's a planet that is a bit off the beaten path but it is utterly fabulous. I guarantee that it will take your Mom's mind off her problems, at least for a while." She gave me a speculative look. "You though, my dear, are a bit young for a place like Risa."  
  
"You can't leave me here! My break is coming up so I don't even have to miss school."  
  
She held up her hands in surrender. "Ok then, let me arrange some things."  
  
"Are we going in the Miranda?"  
  
She practically dropped the drink she was carrying. "How in the hell do you know about the Miranda?"  
  
"I heard a lot when I lived here." I gave her my most adult look. She had the grace to blush. "Cameron was here quite a bit if I remember correctly. He mentioned it to you one morning in the kitchen. I was just coming down to breakfast. I was understandably curious."  
  
"Damn, Rise. You never fail to surprise me. Listening at doorways is going to get you into trouble."  
  
I laughed, "Only if I get caught. So what kind of ship is she?"  
  
Shayla gave up in the face of my enthusiasm and began to tell me all about her little ship.  
  
****************  
  
As it turned out Shayla decided to keep me on board with her after she dropped Mom off at Risa. We headed out to rendezvous with several customers. I had been right when I guessed she was a smuggler.  
  
"Smuggler is such a pejorative term, Rise. I prefer purveyor of rare goods." Shayla laughed as she headed us past the craft that had just traded us a large quantity of Aldebaran brandy for 25 strips of gold- pressed latinum. We were now on our way to trade the brandy to traders on a world whose government was currently prohibiting the stuff. "Just filling a need, Rise. That's the essence of the free market system. Learned that from the Ferengi."  
  
We made back 400 strips of latinum for the brandy. A tidy profit. I could understand the allure of her profession. I piloted the Miranda as my aunt hid the currency in the ship's specially prepared false bottom.  
  
"Ok then," she grinned at me, "Let's go get your mom. And I know I don't have to tell you not to tell her about our little adventure." She grinned as I nodded solemnly.  
  
We arrived at Risa the next day and beamed mom up. She looked relaxed and about ten years younger.  
  
"What were you doing down there?" I asked in all innocence.  
  
She blushed as she stood putting her bags away in the overhead cargo hold "Oh this and that."  
  
I threw a glance at my aunt. "It has been my experience that this and that usually means a person has been up to no good." To my amazement mom blushed an even deeper shade of crimson as she fussed with the bags. "I really don't want to know, Mom. Really."  
  
I turned back to the viewscreen and piloted us away from Risa. Shayla seemed content to have me at the helm so I set a course back to Earth following the same path we had taken to get to the vacation planet. A few minutes into the voyage a blip appeared on the screen. "Shayla?"  
  
She was there in an instant. "Damn." She began to furiously key in some commands to the computer. The comm channel suddenly crackled then a harsh voice came over the speaker.  
  
"Vessel in quadrant 422, identify yourself."  
  
Shayla punched in a command and a strange voice answered the hail. "This is Kuzu vessel Caprikl. We are on a routine trading mission. We mean no harm."  
  
"You are in disputed space, Kuzu vessel. You have no business here. Show us a visual."  
  
"Visual capability is not functioning. Please accept our most humble apologies."  
  
As the programmed Kuzu tried to reason with the other ship's captain, I took a moment to scan the vessel. I felt my heart start to beat furiously when I saw that it was a Klingon Bird of Prey.  
  
"Enough! You are clearly evading the truth. Show yourself or be fired upon."  
  
I watched the monitors. "I think they are preparing to fire, there's a weird energy build up on the screen."  
  
"Crap." Shayla reached over and hit some switches. "Everybody hold on," she yelled as she simultaneously turned the little ship and hit it into warp. The extreme stress on the ship as it stretched then flung itself into warp speed knocked both of us about in our seats.  
  
"Any sign of them," Shayla asked a few seconds later.  
  
"No." I scanned the sensors and saw nothing. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my aunt turn back to where mom had been standing. Standing! I turned around as I heard a strange whine come from my aunt.  
  
"Noooo. Chris, nooooo."  
  
I snapped my head around. Another moan echoed in the cabin. I realized as I ran to my mother that it was coming from me. "Mom?"  
  
She was lying on the floor, looking like she was sleeping except for the deep gash on her temple. Blood on the cargo hatch showed where it had hit her when it had been knocked loose by our sudden acceleration.  
  
My fingers reached for the meld. But this time there was truly nothing of her left. My aunt pulled me off her as I began to scream. "Momma! Momma! No, please no!" I didn't stop screaming till a hypo spray brought a welcome blackness down around me.  
  
****************************  
  
The voyage home was a blur to me. Shayla kept me sedated, told me later it was that or listen to me cry and moan, which in that little space was giving her already shattered nerves the creeps. While I was unconscious she took care of the details, called a few friends, pulled a few strings. As far as anyone was concerned, Mom died from a terrible accident during an ion storm while coming home from vacation on my aunt's private craft.  
  
We arrived at Shayla's to find Phillip and Cameron waiting for us. Shayla pushed me, still groggy, toward the Doctor. "Help her Bones, I don't know what to do for her."  
  
He took me inside to the room I always used and we talked for hours. At first I yelled and cried, but in time his gentle soothing brought me some kind of peace and I began to talk more calmly. In the other room I could hear my aunt and Cameron arranging for a funeral, then calling my mother's friends.  
  
My aunt came into my room. She sat down next to me, touched me on the arm. "Rise, we're going to have to clean out the apartment. Do you want to help or do you want to stay here with Phillip?"  
  
I appreciated her giving me a choice. She had treated me as an adult all my life and she wasn't going to stop now. "I want to help. I need to help."  
  
"Ok, hon. We're going now."  
  
It's amazing to me still how quickly you can dismantle the boundaries of a life. It only took that afternoon and the morning of the next day to erase any trace of our happy existence in that apartment. We packed up my stuff first and sent it back to Shayla's in the air car with Cameron. When my room was empty, Shayla turned to me.  
  
"Pick everything you think you'll want someday. We'll put it in storage if it won't fit in the attic."  
  
I felt like a ghoul walking around the house identifying those things that I wanted to keep. An antique plate, some statues, favorite articles of my mother's clothes, her jewelry. I left the furniture and almost everything else. We packaged up the loose items then Shayla called a charity to come pick up the boxes and large pieces. She arranged for a cleaning service then dropped the keys back at the management office.  
  
We all went to bed early, even though I don't believe that any of us really slept. The morning came bright and sunny, and we made our trek to the funeral home. I had borrowed a Kanillian mourning veil from my aunt. Though easy to see out of from the inside, it was completely opaque from the outside.  
  
"Don't you think that it is time to end this?" Shayla asked me gently.  
  
"No." I looked at her as I arranged the headpiece. "Unless someone asks, Christine Chapel did not have a daughter."  
  
"Rise."  
  
"No. I don't exist." I walked out, knowing I had made her unhappy but unwilling to change things. During the service and funeral I stayed with Cameron. I watched the people file in to the service, friends from Seattle, people in uniform from Starfleet, and, sitting together in the back, some of her friends from Starfleet. I recognized Commander Uhura, and Commander Scott, Dr. McCoy, and, my heart leapt into my throat as I studied him, my father, Captain Spock. I was stunned to see him there, I had been so sure he would not attend. I found that I could not take my eyes off him so I studied him for the entire ceremony. It helped to take my mind off the pain I felt over my mother's death. He showed no outward emotion, paid his respects to the deceased with no special flourishes or gestures. He was here as a courtesy to she who had been his wife, I realized, not out of any great grief. I wanted to run at him, fists pounding on that lean frame as I made him hurt as much as I did. I also realized that I wanted to run to him and feel his arms catch me up and offer me the comfort I so badly needed. I was wise enough to know that neither of these actions was likely to happen.  
  
Outside, after the burial, Cameron and I hung back and watched my aunt and Philip say goodbye to the Enterprise crew. Cameron leaned into me, whispered gently. "What does it feel like to see him?"  
  
"Like lemon juice in an open wound. Like finding one of the major pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. Like heaven. Like hell."  
  
His hand tightened in mine. "He's your father, Rise. Maybe, now is the time to tell him that?"  
  
"No. Now is not the time." Already a plan was forming.  
  
***************  
  
"Rise, you can't be serious."  
  
"I am deadly serious, Shayla. And I need your help to pull it off."  
  
"What happened to veterinary school?"  
  
"Things have changed."  
  
"Rise, I sympathize with your wish to know your father. But for god's sake this isn't the way. I'll take you to him myself. I'll explain everything."  
  
"No," I said again. I did not lose my temper. I was controlled. I had played at being Vulcan for years. Now I was going to be one for real. "If you take me to him, especially after what has happened, he will have to accept me. And I will never know what he is really like. I will never know why she loved him. My way is best."  
  
We stared at each other for a long time. Her angry blue eyes staring into my calm brown ones. Finally she looked away. I realized that I had won.  
  
"What do you need me to do?"  
  
*****************  
  
I told my jangling nerves to settle down as I waited in the reception area of Spock's office. My back was ramrod straight and my features carefully expressionless as I waited for my father to receive me.  
  
We had worked for weeks on creating my new identity. I would be full Vulcan, but for obvious reasons I couldn't be one that had been raised on that small and close knit planet. I needed an obscure origin, and my years of study had given me the answer. Roughly 12 years ago, about the time I was born, a massacre had taken place on a Vulcan colonized planet named Valkyrian. All of the adults had been killed by a group of outlaws from Orion. Reports of the tragedy had been sketchy but all of them agreed that the manner of death was particularly brutal. The children had been stolen for slavery. A Federation starship had been sent after them and the 72 youngsters had been rescued, but not before some unspeakable acts and experiments had been performed. Most of these children were so traumatized that they barely remembered their former lives and it was deemed safer to let them forget until they were ready to remember. In an effort to honor their loss, they had attached a prefix to their names that would remind all that met them that they had originated on that brave planet.  
  
I nearly smiled thinking how easy it had been for my aunt's contacts to insert one more name into the relevant databases. There were now 73 children recovered. I was a bona fide orphan, in need of a sponsor to further my dream of getting into Starfleet Academy. A full Vulcan, outstandingly bright, 18 year old orphan. My medical records were now completely faked, but nobody would insist on double checking them. Children of Valkyrian were quite understandably afraid of doctors and medical tests. We were allowed to stay with any physician that we could stand to let touch us. And we were never ordered to see another for routine tests. Moreover, we were Vulcans, notoriously bad at actually showing up for scheduled physicals. As long as I did not get wounded or sick no one would ever be the wiser.  
  
I carefully blocked a smile as I thought of my new name. I had chosen it carefully. Val for Valkyrian. And the second part was inspired, I thought, Eris, the Greek goddess of discord. The one who had thrown out the golden apple that started the Trojan War. It was so perfect, being my own name twisted to fit.  
  
"Valeris?" Spock appeared at the door. "Please come in."  
  
I rose calmly, following my father into his office, following Spock into my future.  
  
*****************************  
  
Spock indicated I should take a seat. He sat down behind his desk and picked up my file. "Impressive credentials, Valeris."  
  
I nodded but said nothing. I knew the grades were impressive. And I was proud of them because they were all my own. When I had gone into the databases I had only changed the name from Rise Chapel to Valeris. And added years to increase my age and deleted all references to having skipped six grades. Shayla and Cameron had done most of the creation of my back story. In this new reality Valeris had grown up in Seattle, had lived with Phillip Boyce, who had been on the original medical team treating the Valkyrian children. She had been tutored by several Vulcan friends of Boyce--Shayla had called in some favors with the few Vulcans she knew that would be willing to attest to having contributed to my teaching. Phillip, with my help on the computer, had created an entire medical history for me. The four of us had sat down for many nights and brainstormed on what might be checked into, what might trip me up. After two months of planning and hacking and practicing, I felt sure that I was ready.  
  
Spock leafed through the file. "You did not go to an Academy preparatory school?"  
  
"There wasn't one in Seattle."  
  
"You could have left Seattle. With test scores like these you would have been welcomed anywhere."  
  
"I did not wish to leave Dr. Boyce."  
  
He looked up at me. "Yes, I am surprised at that. Why would you choose to live with a human?"  
  
I kept my face impassive. "He was kind to me when I was rescued. He made me feel safe when I was a terrified and hurt child. I grew attached to him. And he had no one to look after him. I felt that I owed him for bringing me back from the brink of madness that the Orions had left me in." I looked away, as if uncomfortable with the strong memories invoked by this line of questioning. "He was an excellent guardian. He made certain that I had constant exposure to the Vulcans he knew."  
  
"Yes, I am well acquainted with Dr. Boyce's good qualities. I served with him on my first tour."  
  
"Yes, Sir. He told me that. He recommended I come to you to seek sponsorship."  
  
"He could have sponsored you."  
  
I met his gaze fearlessly. "Yes but it would not have meant as much. And as you say I did not go to the right schools. I will need as much help as I can get." When he did not react, I played my trump card. "Sir, I realize you would be taking a chance on me. But you have done it before."  
  
His eyebrow lifted in surprise. "You mean Lieutenant Saavik?" When I nodded his eyes narrowed. "You are right, she did very well at the Academy."  
  
I lifted my chin. "I shall do better."  
  
I saw his head tilt as he took in my arrogance. I did not want to overplay this so I kept my expression stern but let my eyes show amusement. For a moment I thought he would refuse me his help, but then his face relaxed.  
  
"You do not know what you are saying, Valeris. Saavik had an advantage over you." When I looked at him in confusion, he explained. "The academy is an exceptionally difficult environment for a Vulcan. The entire curriculum is designed to build relationships, make you accustomed to working closely and interacting socially with your peer cadre. Everything is based on teamwork. The grades are based on both academic results as well as team evaluations by your peers. Vulcans as a rule are not used to this sort of arrangement. We prefer to contribute as individuals. We generally are not well liked by our teammates and this plays against us. Saavik placed 20th in her class, the highest of any Vulcan to have gone through the Academy. That was because she was half Romulan and could interact with her primarily human comrades with a much greater ease than other Vulcans have been able to."  
  
"I see."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"I do, Sir. But I too have a unique history. I have been raised with humans. I understand them perhaps far better than most Vulcans, barring yourself of course." He nodded and I continued, "Moreover, there is the issue of Valkyrian."  
  
He looked at me in surprise.  
  
"I was one of the older children, Sir. I was six years old when the massacre happened, so I was old enough to remember why our parents were on the planet in the first place." Valkyrian had been colonized by a small group of Vulcans belonging to an outcast cult. They had left their home planet to escape the harsh coldness of their own culture, seeking instead to establish a balance between logic and emotions. "My first years were perhaps more open, more loving, than a typical Vulcans. Even now I sometimes have trouble hiding certain emotions. For example, when I am amused I am told that my eyes twinkle." I tried to make that sound like a bad thing.  
  
"An interesting point, Valeris. And one perhaps with merit." Again his eyebrow lifted at me in what I was beginning to realize was almost humor.  
  
Without realizing I was doing it I mimicked his movement and cocked my own eyebrow at him.  
  
"I will look forward to seeing your first fitness report." He closed the file.  
  
"Then you will sponsor me?" I had done it. The first hurdle was down.  
  
"I shall talk to Starfleet this afternoon. Be prepared to move into the dormitories next week." He stood and I followed suit, standing as straight as I could.  
  
"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."  
  
"You made an excellent case for yourself, Valeris. I would not have chosen you if left to my own devices."  
  
I felt unaccountably pleased at his words. I had impressed him. I reminded myself that this was the man who had treated my mother so coldly, that had hurt us all. Yet as I left his office I did not feel in the least cold or unappreciated. It's just one meeting, I reminded myself. Anyone can make a good first impression, wait till you get to know him, then you'll discover the real Spock.  
  
I left his office and beamed back to Phillip's where all my things now resided as if I had lived there all my life. They were all waiting for me.  
  
"Well?" Shayla said.  
  
I gave her my most Vulcan look. "I was successful in my endeavor." Then I broke into peals of laughter as I flung myself into her arms.  
  
************************  
  
Spock was as good as his word. I received formal acceptance to the Academy the next day. By the following Sunday I was packing up my stuff and preparing to move into the dorms for the two week orientation and testing period. Shayla surprised me as I was closing my bags.  
  
"Hey kiddo. I think you forgot something." She held out a small box.  
  
I opened it and saw my grandmother's ring lying on the cotton. I looked at my aunt puzzled.  
  
"I noticed you had quite wearing it."  
  
"It is too small." I started to shut the box.  
  
"Hey Einstein, you want to try it on before you do that?"  
  
I slipped it easily on my finger. "You had it made bigger?"  
  
"Yeah, sweetheart. And I had them use the gold from those earrings your mom always wore. The white gold studs. I thought that way you'd have a piece of her with you." She smiled at me, that cocky yet tender grin I had grown up loving.  
  
"Oh thank you! I hated not wearing it. Now I'll never take it off. Oh Shayla, I'm going to miss you so." I hugged her and felt her arms tighten around me. Her tenderness undid me. The tears started to fall and I tried to fight them then gave up. "I miss her. I miss her so much."  
  
"Oh Rise, I know you do. It's not too late to stop this. Just turn around and walk away and we'll roam the galaxy in the Miranda and your father will never be the wiser."  
  
I realized she was crying too. I pulled away and wiped her face. "I can't. I wish I could, but I can't." She started to turn away but my hand on her arm stopped her. "I love you Shayla. More than you'll ever know."  
  
She roughly rubbed the tears from her face. "And I love you. If I'd ever had a daughter, I'd have wanted her to be just like you." She picked up my bag and handed it to me. "Now get out of here before I kidnap you and force you to go gallivanting around the stars."  
  
*************  
  
I stood in front of the entrance of the dormitory. Suddenly I was very afraid. The Vulcan was outwardly composed but the twelve-year old Human was terrified and wanted to go home. I took a deep breath and entered through the sliding doors. Inside was pure chaos. Cadets were everywhere, pulling crates, lugging suitcases. Every single one of them looked just as lost as I did. I saw several Starfleet regulars with data pads standing in the middle of the crowd of new arrivals. I pushed in and waited my turn.  
  
"Name?"  
  
"Valeris."  
  
"You're in 33, third floor to the right."  
  
I ignored the lift and walked up the narrow staircase. I found the room much smaller than my own at home. Two beds were against opposite walls, bedding stacked on top. Two desks and two dressers faced each other. A tiny closet on either side would hold clothing and other belongings. I stared at the beds, trying to decide which to take.  
  
"Hi."  
  
I spun to check out the speaker. An extremely pretty human girl stood in the doorway. She held a bag and had another over her shoulder. Her smile was open and friendly. She stuck out her hand. "I'm Cassie. Cassie Drake."  
  
I tried to put as much warmth as I could in my voice as I ignored her outstretched hand. "Hello. I'm Valeris. I guess this is our home now?"  
  
"God it's tiny. Are they trying to kill us," she said walking to the left- hand bed. Decision made.  
  
I put my bag down on the floor at the end of the other bed. "I think they are just trying to get us used to the quarters we will have onboard ship." She looked at me suspiciously. I did not want to alienate her so I let my eyes sparkle as I continued, "But it certainly lacks charm."  
  
She laughed. "We can fix that! There are all kinds of great shops outside the academy. We can get posters and lamps and rugs."  
  
I wanted to laugh but I contented myself with an upswept eyebrow. "Can we unpack first?"  
  
She laughed again. "You're funny, Valeris. I like that! When I saw I was rooming with a Vulcan I was really nervous. I mean I'm not very reserved. In that I kind of like to talk. A lot. And I like to have fun. And so I thought you'd be a real drag. But somehow, judging from that twinkle in your eye that you are trying so hard to hide, I think we are going to get along just great!"  
  
I allowed my mouth to twitch up just a tad. "I'll deny it strenuously, of course."  
  
She grinned and started to make her bed. "Bet my corners end up more regulation than yours!"  
  
I reached for the bottom sheet. "You're on."  
  
In the end both of our beds passed inspection. Our floor CO gave us an appreciative nod as we stood at rigid attention. "Well done, Cadet Drake, Cadet Valeris. Keep it up and you'll have no trouble with me."  
  
When he was gone I watched Cassie comb out her dark red hair and refasten it into a neat bun. She saw me studying her, "What?"  
  
"You seem a contradiction. At one moment complaining about the size of the room and the next standing in perfect form, with a perfect bun, and a perfect bed behind you. I must admit to some confusion."  
  
"I really want to be here, Valeris. *Really* want to be here. But that doesn't mean that there won't be time for fun. We can have both." She patted her hair to make sure no tendrils were escaping. " I'll let you in on a little secret, roomie. I'm going to graduate top of our class."  
  
"That is unfortunate."  
  
"What!"  
  
I raised my eyebrow. "It is unfortunate because I too intend to graduate at the top of our class. I guess that will quickly end our friendship." I felt sadness; already I was losing my first friend.  
  
She gave me a quick knock in the arm. "Are you kidding, Valeris? You think I'd want to be friends with a slacker. What a four years we will have!"  
  
"I plan to do it in three and a half."  
  
She smiled wolfishly at me. "Let's do it in three then. Deal?" She did not offer her hand again but instead made a "why not" gesture.  
  
Another half smile accompanied my answer. "Deal."  
  
*************************  
  
We sat inside the Academy auditorium listening to the latest in a long line of orientation speakers. Most of the lectures had been interesting but this topic was unspeakably dull. A movement at the doorway caught my attention and I watched a familiar figure walk into the classroom and take a seat to the side of the podium. The agenda had said the next briefer was still to be determined or I would have been better prepared to see my father.  
  
Cassie nudged me and pushed her notepad toward me. On it she had written "That's Spock. He's a living legend. What I wouldn't give to meet him."  
  
I took my own notepad and wrote, "I'll introduce you someday. He's my sponsor."  
  
Her look of awe almost made me laugh. I hurriedly wrote more, "I don't really know him yet. I've only met him once."  
  
She looked mollified so we turned back to the speaker just in time to hear him finish and ask for questions. There were none so the class dean got up to introduce Spock.  
  
I'm not sure what I expected from my father. Detached brilliance perhaps. Or Vulcan arrogance. But what stood in front of me was a man that in a quiet, dignified, at times even wryly funny way, challenged us to be our best, to do our best, to give our best. He warned us, he urged us, he made us feel special, and he made us feel charged with a mission to succeed. Watching him I began to understand what my mother had seen in him all those years ago. There were many questions when he finished and then thunderous applause. The dean called for a short break.  
  
"Go see him, Valeris." Cassie urged.  
  
Suddenly I was nervous. This must have been how my mother felt. So terrified of his rejection. "Come with me," I hissed to her. I could feel her following me as we made our way to where a small clump of cadets had besieged my father with more questions.  
  
He looked up and saw us approaching. Excusing himself from the group he moved to meet us, nodding a greeting. "Cadet Valeris, a pleasure to see you again. Who is your friend?"  
  
An interesting choice of words, I thought. And one that he had chosen deliberately. "Sir, may I present Cadet Cassie Drake."  
  
"Cadet." He nodded to her.  
  
She looked as if she would burst with excitement but her voice was composed. "Sir, it is a very great honor."  
  
"Are you two roommates?" We both nodded. He leaned in and spoke conspiratorially. "A word of advice. Stay away from the banana pudding."  
  
Cassie giggled and glanced at me. I had nearly gagged on the stuff last night. "Yes sir. We found that out the hard way. Or Valeris did anyway."  
  
"I'm afraid there are many things that you will find out the hard way here. But that pudding should not have been one of them." He looked at me with a slight twinkle of his own in his eyes. "A tragedy, Cadet Valeris."  
  
"One that could have been avoided if you had warned us sooner, Sir." I knew my own eyes were sparkling now.  
  
"Indeed. I must make it up to you. I believe you have a free dinner period tomorrow? I shall collect both of you after your last class and take you to a place that every cadet should know about. The sooner the better."  
  
Cassie looked as if she had died and gone to heaven. I merely nodded, "Most kind, Sir."  
  
He nodded again and left the room.  
  
Cassie in her excitement grabbed my arm. Somewhat stunned myself, I did not even think to pull away. I felt confused. Two interactions with Spock, three if you counted the lecture, and he was nothing at all like what I had expected. I felt as if I was betraying my mother but I could feel myself beginning to like him.  
  
**********  
  
The next day Cassie and I waited outside the auditorium for Spock to show up. We had been there for twenty minutes. I was surprised at how disappointed I was that he was not here.  
  
"Do you think he forgot?" Cassie sounded as dejected as I felt.  
  
"It would appear so." I picked up my books from the bench. "I guess it's the mess hall for us." As I turned I saw two tall figures approaching, one in uniform, the other in a Vulcan robe. "Or perhaps not."  
  
As the men came into view my heart started to pound desperately. The man with Spock was the Vulcan Ambassador to the Federation. Sarek. My grandfather.  
  
"I apologize to both of you. I kept my son delayed on an important matter. I am gratified to see that you were patient."  
  
"Father allow me to introduce Cadet Valeris and Cadet Drake."  
  
Sarek nodded to Cassie politely but seemed to study me intently. "Cadet Valeris, my son's new protégé. I must confess that I am not familiar with your case."  
  
This was one of those situations we had practiced for over and over again. "I have spent no time on Vulcan, Mr. Ambassador. And little around prominent Vulcans. I would be surprised if those on my home planet considered me anything more than an entry in a database."  
  
"Bitterness, Valeris?" The Ambassador's gaze was even as he looked at me.  
  
"No, Sir. Realism. Had I grown up on Valkyrian, as my parents intended, Vulcan would never have known of my existence. It is perhaps the way it was meant to be."  
  
"Logical." Sarek nodded, satisfied. "I will not keep you longer. Enjoy your meal." And he was gone. My father's father. I was in awe.  
  
"Wow," Cassie echoed my thoughts.  
  
"My father *is* rather intimidating upon first meeting." Spock started walking away from campus and we fell in beside him. We walked in silence for several blocks then Spock turned down an alley and disappeared into a dank stairwell. I looked at Cassie and she knit her brows together in suspicion. We followed him down the steps and into a dimly lit but cavernous restaurant. Soft music played and the room was filled with cadets dining in quiet groups or eating alone. I looked at Spock in surprise.  
  
"Sekhmet is always like this. A calm place in the storm that is the Academy. And the food is excellent."  
  
I became aware of the savory smells filling the room. We followed Spock to an empty booth in the back. It was pleasantly warm in the room. A waiter brought us hot cloths, which somehow seemed very decadent. I looked over at Spock but he was taking his time refreshing his hands with the small towel.  
  
"It also has the grace of our home planet, Valeris. You should really make time to visit Vulcan."  
  
I nodded but did not say anything. I was not eager to go there. I was unsure whether my mostly human body would betray me in the planet's thin atmosphere. I could not afford to take the chance.  
  
We let him order an assortment of dishes, and he spent some time finding out more about Cassie and me. When the appetizer came, a large bowl of savory spread with toasted bread, we were all comfortable enough to enjoy the food while we talked. All day I had worried about the evening, afraid that the dinner would be a stilted affair with Cassie's effervescence squashed by Spock's disapproval and me stuck in the middle. But we all seemed to be at ease.  
  
After we had finished our entrees, Cassie brought up our favorite topic. "Sir, do you think it is possible to graduate the Academy in three years?"  
  
He lifted an eyebrow. "I do not understand the question, Cadet."  
  
I rushed to explain. "Cassie and I are both determined to graduate number one. We thought to graduate a year early would help ensure that."  
  
He looked amused. "I am afraid you are both operating under a misunderstanding. There is no graduating early from this particular institution. The idea of much of the curriculum is to help you bond with your peer group, to learn to trust and work together, eventually to be assigned together as junior officers to a ship or shore duty. It would be counterproductive to suddenly thrust you into another class, where you would not have established ties."  
  
I frowned, "Then how does Starfleet know who is excelling? Isn't this system encouraging mediocrity?"  
  
"On the contrary, a student determined to excel can go on to more advanced classes in her discipline, or alternatively might wish to specialize in more than one subject matter. There are always ways to do more than is expected here." It was apparent he could see the gears already whirring in both Cassie's and my mind. "If I might make a suggestion? You would be well advised to allow yourself time to simply adjust to this new environment before you rush off to make academic history."  
  
Cassie turned red and laughed. I let a small half smile loose. "Yes, Sir," we both whispered.  
  
Spock looked satisfied that we had taken his advice to heart. For the next hour or so he entertained us with words of wisdom on the Academy, warnings of the idiosyncrasies of some of the faculty, and a few of the most common mistakes new cadets made in drill. When we finally left Sekhmet and walked back to the campus he was silent, but not in a cold way. As we neared the dorm, Cassie turned to him.  
  
"Thank you so much, Sir, for including me. I'm going to go in now so that you and Valeris can have some time together."  
  
"Most gracious. It was a pleasure having you along, Cadet Drake."  
  
As we stood alone together I was suddenly nervous. His next words surprised me utterly  
  
"What are your plans for the weekend?"  
  
I had originally thought of going home because Cassie was going to stay with a cousin in Sauselito. But Shayla was offworld and I did not feel like being in Seattle without her. "I am unsure of my activities."  
  
"I am staying with my parents while they are on Earth. Saavik will also be here. Why don't you join us for the weekend? They have plenty of room."  
  
I could not believe my ears. Spend time with my father at my grandparents? It was terrifying. It was a dream come true. "I do not wish to intrude, Sir."  
  
"If it were an intrusion, I would not have asked, Valeris. Classes let out at three on Fridays. I will pick you up here at four."  
  
"I will be ready, Sir." I studied him for a long moment. His calm brown eyes did not look away as he too returned my gaze. His look was neither threatening nor particularly academic. It was as if he was getting to know the contours of my face, the variety of my expressions. I felt helpless in the force of that gaze. Finally, in confusion I mumbled a quick "Good night," and turned on my heel walking steadily to the door, when all I really wanted to do was flee.  
  
*****************************  
  
I was incredibly nervous as I rode with Spock in the airtaxi to his parents' house. He had picked me up precisely at four. We did not speak as we passed the familiar off campus area then headed for the suburbs. We drove past the Chancellery building and stopped at a very grand residence. Spock paid the driver as I got our bags out of the trunk.  
  
"Someone will get those," he said, seemingly unconcerned as he opened the front door and walked through.  
  
I put the bags down and left them in the driveway. As I followed my father, a Vulcan passed me. I turned to see him picking up the load I had dropped. Spock's voice calling my name made me hurry inside. And stop in awe. I had never seen a more beautiful place. It was huge; no doubt they had to entertain large groups here. The furniture was heavy yet graceful. All darks and lights, the colors of shadows and sand. A small fountain was in the entranceway and several others were in the large receiving room. I was surprised to see that the artwork was mostly of Human origin given the overwhelming Vulcanness of the rest of the décor.  
  
"This must be Valeris."  
  
I turned instinctively to the welcoming voice. A small woman was approaching. She was dressed in an outfit that managed to be somehow both Human and Vulcan but she was unmistakably human.  
  
"I'm Spock's mother. Please call me Amanda. My son has told me a great deal about you."  
  
I resisted raising my eyebrow. I did not see that Spock knew much about me to tell. "It is a great pleasure to meet you, Amanda. I thank you for allowing me to visit."  
  
"Don't be silly, dear. We have lots of room." She turned to Spock, "Your father wishes to see you in his office. I'll show Valeris around." He obediently left to seek Sarek out and I followed Amanda around the house as she showed me my room and the various other places I would need to know. We ended up in the kitchen. As Amanda shooed a servant away and put some water on for tea I saw a huge black cat sunning herself in the large picture window. Her copper eyes stared back at me. "Oh how beautiful!" I moved slowly to her and began to touch her head and throat.  
  
Amanda turned around in alarm. "Oh no dear Freya doesn't like Vulc." She trailed off as the cat flopped over on her back and allowed me free access to her belly.  
  
Her purrs filled my ears as I lost myself in the pleasure of being with an animal again. I was barely aware of Amanda saying, "Well she has never liked a Vulcan until now."  
  
Freya grabbed my hand in a clear "Ok, enough," signal. I pulled away gently and sat down at the table where my grandmother had laid out some cookies to go with our tea. I gave her a tiny smile. "I was raised with animals. Dr. Boyce taught me to care for them. She must sense that."  
  
"What a different life you must have had, Valeris. Tell me about it."  
  
I found myself telling Amanda much more than I would have thought possible, given that so much of the backbone of my new life story was a lie. But I wanted her to know me, the real Rise, or at least as much of me as I could give her without exposing myself as a fraud. An hour flew by as we talked.  
  
A voice sounded from the direction of the front room, "Amanda?"  
  
"Saavik! In the kitchen, dear."  
  
I had seen pictures of Saavik, but no flat image could capture the raw energy of the woman. She filled the room like a hurrican, giving Amanda a quick hug, fake snarling at Freya, then grabbing a cookie and chewing it absentmindedly as she studied me. "So you're Valeris?"  
  
I had to bite back a sarcastic retort. It would not do to alienate her. I simply nodded.  
  
She leaned in and laughed. "How very Vulcan you are."  
  
"Now, Saavik, she's a sweet girl, you go easy on her."  
  
Saavik dropped into a chair. "Oh fine, Amanda." She winked at me and I felt my expression loosen. "So who wants to hear all the latest gossip from Vulcan?"  
  
I learned much from listening to the two women talk. Saavik had elected to take a short leave of absence from Starfleet after Spock's return to life but she planned to resume duty in three months. In the meantime she was doing some independent study at the Vulcan Science Academy. She knew many people on the planet and I filed away the unfamiliar names to look up later. I had little to contribute to the conversation so eventually Amanda steered it back to the Academy. Saavik told me several stories so hilarious I thought I would burst some vital internal organ trying to maintain my Vulcan composure. Then she gave me lots of advice on all kinds of things, from studies to boys.  
  
Two low voices in the hallway signaled that Sarek and Spock were done with their business. We joined them in the front room and talked for another hour before dinner, which was a delicious and formal affair. Sarek seemed interested in me but I found myself slightly tongue-tied around him. I hoped my short answers made me seem more Vulcan and not less so.  
  
I realized that I was exhausted about midway through the dessert course. I fought to stay alert but my tired eyes betrayed me to Spock who had been studying me off and on throughout dinner.  
  
"Perhaps you should retire, Valeris?"  
  
I jerked up at his words. "No, I am fine."  
  
Saavik gave a snort of disbelief. "It's no crime to be tired after your first week at the Academy. It takes a while to get accustomed to the schedule and the constant presence of other people. Just having a roommate for the first time can be rough. I don't think I slept well for the first month I was there. So take advantage of that big comfy bed in your large private room upstairs and say goodnight, Valeris."  
  
I deadpanned, "Goodnight, Valeris."  
  
Saavik grinned back. "You have been around Humans for a while, haven't you? Now skedaddle."  
  
I rose, turned to my hostess. "My apologies."  
  
Amanda smiled. "Don't be silly. Go."  
  
Spock gave me a warm look. "Sleep well, Valeris."  
  
*********  
  
A cold fog hid the path in front of me. I felt my way through the woods.  
  
"Rise?"  
  
"Mom?" I started to run. Branches whipped my face, brambles caught in my hair. I fell and scraped my knee. "Mom?"  
  
"Rise, what have you done? What have you done?" She stood in front of me. Just as she had the last time I had seen her alive. Beautiful and glowing from her time on Risa. But she was looking at me with disapproval. "Rise, you have to stop. Don't you see you're killing me."  
  
"No, Mom. No, I'd never do that." I reached out to her face. Where my hand touched her forehead a great gash appeared. Blood poured out.  
  
"See? See what you're doing to me."  
  
No! I jerked awake, trying to get my bearings in the strange room. Seconds passed before I realized I was in my grandparents' house in San Francisco. I sat up in bed breathing heavily, unwilling to put my head back down for fear of returning to the dream. I suddenly wanted milk. I had seen some in the kitchen and perhaps Freya was still down there. I slipped my feet into my soft slippers and stole down the hall. The upper level of the house was silent. As I crept down the stairs I heard a low murmur of voices in the library. A fire glowed behind the cracked door.  
  
"It is logical, Spock. Surely you must see that."  
  
"It is too much to ask." Spock's voice was ragged.  
  
Curious I slipped to the side of the door and listened as Saavik attempted to convince him of something. "Spock, if you have made other arrangements for this eventuality then you have only to say so. But if you have not then the logical thing is to allow me to help you. I did it before to keep you alive, I will do it again."  
  
"I do not wish to discuss this." He moved to the door and I readied myself to rush away but he stopped when she spoke again.  
  
"You have what, a month? Two? We knew it would come again soon, you aged many years on the Genesis Planet between that first plak tow and now. It was just a matter of time. Spock, I love you like a father, not like a lover, but I will do this if it means you will not die. You know that I loved David and that I do not wish to bond with you. But David is dead and you will be too if you do not arrange a resolution to this problem." Her tone was harsh.  
  
I realized finally what they were discussing. He and Saavik? And she said they had done it before, but seven years earlier she would have been little more than a child, barely older than I was. It made no sense. Perhaps time moved differently on this Genesis Planet?  
  
Her voice was an entreaty now, "Spock, tell me you will come to me. I will still be on extended leave. Or if you have no need of me tell me that you will make use of another. I cannot bear the thought of you being lost to the Federation. We need you. I need you."  
  
"And in another seven years, will you do this for me then too?" My father's tone was defeated. I realized he was agreeing to her proposal.  
  
There was a smile in her voice. "I hope not. I hope to have found someone to replace David in my heart. I didn't know him for long, but the days I spent with him taught me of love." Spock made a small sound. "Oh you can dismiss the emotion, Spock. But you cannot deny you have found someone that fascinates you. I have a feeling that in seven years you will be well taken care of." She laughed at something he muttered. "You stare at her quite intensely you know." Another sound from my father, too low for me to make out. "No, I don't believe anyone else has noticed. And who cares if they have. I think she will be eminently suitable for you."  
  
I heard them approaching the door and I fled to the kitchen and found the milk. As I stood drinking it from a tall glass I heard the stairs creak as the two of them went up together to their rooms. I wondered who it was that my father found so entrancing. Then I thought of my mother. Had she discussed sleeping with him as dispassionately as Saavik had? I hoped not. She had loved him so much, but did he feel anything for her at all? I decided to keep an eye out for this young woman Spock was interested in. I was curious to see what kind of woman could possibly fascinate him?  
  
************************  
  
The next day we all enjoyed breakfast together before going our separate ways. As we sat at the formal dining table I asked Saavik and Spock about their shipmates on the Enterprise, the most famous ship of the fleet. They talked at length about James T. Kirk. I was surprised to hear from Saavik that the Captain had a lost a son to the Klingons. She did not elaborate and I thought it wise not to press. Then their conversation turned to other members of the crew. I heard about the miracle working abilities of Montgomery. Scott. Learned of the contradictory Hikaru Sulu, so imperturbable on one hand and so impulsive on the other. Wondered at the boyish naivete of Pavel Chekov. Heard admiration in both of their voices for Nyota Uhura and her abilities with a comm panel as well as her talents with her own voice and even the Vulcan harp. And I wanted to laugh at Spock's tales of the irascible Dr. Leonard McCoy.  
  
As their stories trailed off I asked "Surely in all those years aboard the Enterprise there were more people than that to talk about?"  
  
Saavik looked sad but Spock spoke up. "There are those that gave their lives. At the time you believe that you will never forget them, but their memories fade."  
  
You bastard, I thought, what about those that gave their bodies so that you could live. "But those that lived? Surely there are others?"  
  
Spock looked at me curiously. "There is no one else, Valeris, that I would put in the same category as those we mentioned. When I look back on the years on the Enterprise and even after, it is their faces I see."  
  
I fought to keep my expression interested but ambivalent. But inside I felt a hot surge of anger toward him. He didn't even mention her as a side note. She truly did not even exist for him.  
  
"You will find that you will bond with a small group of people. They will remain your friends for a long time. Others will come and go."  
  
No, I thought, others will not go, they will die. I was happy when Amanda rose, signaling the end of the meal. I excused myself and went up to my room to gather my things together. I was surprised to find Freya stretched out on my bed. I opened my mind to her, asking permission to pick her up. She sat up and let me lift her. As I settled down on the bed, I felt her tuck her head under my chin and begin to purr so loudly I could feel it through my bones. I felt the tears begin to well and heard in my mind. *Girl.sad.I help.* The cat pushed her head more tightly against my chin and did not move even as my tears started to fall, dripping down onto her fur. For several minutes I just let go and cried. My heart screamed out for my mother. I no longer enjoyed the charade I was playing. It was no longer a game. There was too much here that I didn't understand.  
  
I pulled my head away from Freya, dropping a quick kiss on her head, which was soaking wet. She squirmed out of my arms and claimed the pillows, where she curled up and went to sleep. I rubbed at my eyes angrily. I might miss my mother more than I ever thought possible. I might hate my father at this moment more than anything. But I had come here to get to know him, and this was part of that. I had known that the warm and caring Spock couldn't last. That somehow the mask would shatter. It just made it harder that he was still open and interested in me. It was the ultimate betrayal of my mother. By him. And by me.  
  
*****************  
  
The second week of orientation was mainly comprised of placement and fitness tests. Cassie and I were often together in the advanced science and math exams. We made it a game to see who could come out of the test feeling more secure. I generally won when it came to appearing confident but I was beginning to think that she would in fact outperform me.  
  
On Thursday morning we were given our final class assignments and drill times. Cassie and I had both placed in the advanced calculus course as well as several upper level engineering and science courses. Our drills though would separate us as we had been assigned to different squads. The dean of first year cadets stood up and told us what to expect from our first day of classes. An upperclassman explained in detail the behavior that would be expected from us by our third-year squad and floor leaders. Then we were given a surprise: early release to download our class material and Friday off to go home or see San Francisco. I decided to head for Seattle. I debated whether to inform Spock and ultimately chose not to. After I logged in my whereabouts to the dorm computer I headed for the campus transporter.  
  
In no time I was beaming into the main Seattle transporter hub. I quickly moved to the line that would take me back out to the peninsula stop. Then I hopped on the first airbus going near Phillip's house. He wasn't home but the house let me in, having been programmed to accept my retina scan. I fairly ran to the comm unit and dialed up Shayla. Please be home, I chanted, please be home.  
  
When she appeared on the screen her face went from mildly annoyed to overjoyed. "Rise! What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"We got off early. I thought I would walk over if you don't mind?"  
  
She laughed. "Don't mind? Are you crazy! And don't move a muscle. I'll be out to get you in a minute. And I do not want to see that damn uniform till you leave. Put on something comfy, we're going to the beach."  
  
I ran to my room and fished around my dresser for some shorts and a t- shirt. I grabbed some hiking sandals from the closet and braided my long hair. I had no sooner finished than I heard a honking outside and I grabbed my beach bag, still sitting exactly where I had left it on a chair, and ran to meet my aunt.  
  
Shayla was leaning against the air car and caught me up as I launched myself at her. Her arms tightened around me and I started to laugh. Too late I realized I was crying too.  
  
"Rise? Rise, what's wrong?" She studied me in concern. "Honey, talk to me."  
  
I swallowed hard. "I'm just so glad to see you. I missed you. I hated not being able to call you."  
  
"I know. I was glad to be off world for your first week. I found the house unbearably empty without you in it."  
  
We climbed into the car and she steered us to the beach. I told her all about Cassie and the tests and my classes. I found myself studiously avoiding the subject of Spock, and Shayla did not ask me for any details.  
  
When we got to the ocean I pulled off my sandals and rushed out to the water, kicking my way through the icy surf. Just let me be a child again, I thought. Just for a little while. Shayla spread out a blanket and lay down to relax in the autumn sun. I took off running down the rim of wet sand, occasionally jumping over a wave but never stopping till I was nearly out of sight of her. I saw her sitting up and watching me. I had the oddest feeling as I stared back at her. Like if I could freeze this moment in time everything would be all right. She suddenly waved and I jogged back to her, throwing myself down on the blanket and breathing hard as I stared up at the sky.  
  
"Feel better?"  
  
"I always feel better with you, Shayla."  
  
"You can't avoid telling me about him forever." She lay back down on her back and closed her eyes. "So tell me, kiddo. How's your father?"  
  
"He is not what I expected. Most times he is better than I expected." I lay back next to her. "And he is also worse than I expected. But he has accepted me without reservation."  
  
"Yes, he is like that. You are a Vulcan. Why would he even question?"  
  
"Well his father did."  
  
I could feel her turn to look at me. "You met your grandfather?"  
  
"My grandmother too. He scares me. But she is wonderful."  
  
"Well yeah. She's human."  
  
"And the rest of them are not. Oh Shayla, I don't know if this is what I really want to do anymore. It seemed like such a good idea. But I have this awful feeling about everything I am doing. It isn't bringing Mom back. In a way it is dragging me farther away from her. And the Vulcans.I don't want to end up like them. I'm human. But there is another part of me that wants to keep going, to see this out. At least for a little bit longer." I turned over on my stomach and absently gathered a handful of sand, letting it run through my fingers.  
  
"I'll make you a deal, Rise. Stay for another month. That should be plenty of time to find out whether you like the Academy, whether you want to get to know your father more or not. If you do then you do nothing, just stay. But if you don't want to stay you drop out and come back to me and we'll live one great adventure after another."  
  
I laughed, "The smuggler queen and her ward?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I've missed you so, Shayla. It is so strange to be in a place where no one loves me. I'm not sure I ever realized how lucky I was as a child, to have such affection, to be so assured of love. It is good to know that I can always come home to you."  
  
My aunt stroked my cheek. "Always, Rise. Always."  
  
*****************************  
  
My first real week at the academy was incredibly tough. And wonderfully stimulating too. I sat next to Cassie in our advanced classes and realized that for the first time in my life I was going to be challenged, truly pushed, by my teachers. I found myself sucking up the information like a little sponge. I also enjoyed the team exercises. My instructors, and probably my team members, were surprised at my ease in fitting in. As Rise Chapel I had been accustomed to working and socializing with others and this carried over to my life as Valeris. Especially in humorous situations, when most Vulcans would have acted indifferent or superior, I had found that a slight turn up of the mouth or a short glimmer of humor from the eyes was sometimes all it took to win someone to my side. They appeared to expect so little back from Vulcans that this must have seemed like a great gift.  
  
I did as well at drill, but did not enjoy it. My form was perfect, but my attitude was not quite so flawless. It was during those early morning hours that I discovered I had a rebellious side. I had never actually been forced to do anything I didn't want to during my childhood. Suddenly everything I did was under scrutiny. And the drill sergeant, a young midshipman, seemed to have it in for me.  
  
"Cadet Valeris? What is this?" She pointed to my finger.  
  
"Sir, it is a family ring, Sir." I tried to straighten my posture even more than it already was.  
  
"It's not regulation, Cadet. Don't let me see it again."  
  
I felt instant anger at her tone. "Sir, regulations permit jewelry as they apply to member planet's cultural norms."  
  
She was suddenly way too close, "Then I suggest, Cadet, that you bring me a copy of the reg that allows this particular ring or you leave it in your room. Understood?"  
  
I wanted to spit in her face, or punch her. I did neither. Staring at her nose I mumbled, "Sir, yes Sir."  
  
Her voice was too loud in my ears, "I can't hear you, Cadet."  
  
"Sir, yes Sir," I yelled back at her.  
  
By the time I made it back to my room I was shaking with rage. I sat down at my computer and began searching through the regulations on personal jewelry while in uniform.  
  
Cassie was just waking up for her first class and was on her way out the door to the bathroom when she saw what I was looking at. "What's up?"  
  
I held up my left hand. "Danzig doesn't like my ring. Says it isn't regulation. I said it was permitted. But I'm not seeing it here." I closed down the machine with an angrier motion than I would normally have used. "It was my grandmother's and my mother's. I said I would never take it off. But now it looks as if I'll have to."  
  
"Hang on." She walked over to her bureau, began rifling through the top drawer. Pulling something out she carried it over. It was a long slender chain. "Give me the ring." She put the chain through the ring, wrapped it once to hold it in place, and put it around my neck. "There. You have it on, but it will never show under the uniform. Problem solved." She gave me a nasty grin. "And screw Danzig."  
  
I couldn't help myself. I gave her a wicked half smile back. "Indeed."  
  
*************  
  
We settled into a routine. Classes all day, studying all night. When things got too much we retreated to Sekhmet for peace and quiet, or one of the other cadet hang outs for a more lively time. Cassie and I were rarely apart but we were building a core group of people that we tended to run with. I was enjoying the feeling of belonging. And they seemed to sense that and accepted me as one of the crowd.  
  
Spock became a constant fixture in my life, usually calling about once a week to take me to his parents' house for dinner, or to some musical event, or to see more of the modern art that he and his mother collected. Sometimes Cassie came with us. Other times Saavik or even Amanda. He disappeared for a few weeks several months after classes began. Saavik too was unaccounted for. I knew where they had gone but tried not to dwell on it. When he returned life went on as normal.  
  
I was torn as to my feelings for my father. I found myself enjoying the time we spent alone together. Or most of it anyway. There were times that I felt uncomfortable around him. Occasions that I would catch him looking at me in a way that left me confused and just a little nervous. At other times though he was excellent company, teaching me things I had not learned with my mother or aunt: the differences between painters of a similar period, the intricacies in a piece of music, the beauty in one of his science equations. I struggled constantly with the feeling that every single moment I enjoyed with Spock was a betrayal of my mother.  
  
Times with my aunt, on the other hand, were pure unadulterated bliss. When I could manage to see her. As the rigors of the Academy bit into more and more of my personal time and her offworld forays became more frequent it was getting harder to link up with her. But when we did get together, Shayla was always happy to see me, and it was a huge relief to be able to let down my guard and be human again. Each time as I was getting ready to walk through the door and go back to school, she would give me a big hug and whisper, "You sure you want to do this?" I would nod and she'd let me go with a quick kiss and a smile. After the first few months it became a game. I knew she was proud of me and of how well I was doing, even though I suspected she would have preferred to have me with her.  
  
Before I knew it, the first semester was over. Then the second and it was time for a short break and then the compressed summer term would start. Spock invited me to accompany Saavik and him to Vulcan but I turned him down, saying that Dr. Boyce had already made plans for my break. For the next month, I stayed in Seattle, sleeping over at my aunt's whenever I could. I wanted more than anything to go out with her on a short delivery in the Miranda, but it seemed like too much of a risk.  
  
"Don't pout, Rise. Pretty soon you'll be piloting something a whole lot bigger than the Miranda." Shayla laughed at my expression. "Hey, I'm not the one that said you couldn't come with me. If you want to come, then come."  
  
But in the end I didn't. She went out with Cameron and I stayed back with Phillip. For three days we amused ourselves and then my aunt and her partner were back and we played for the rest of my vacation.  
  
Returning to school was no longer terrifying because I had Cassie. Our friendship was nearly as strong as our academic rivalry. Fortunately, we had finished the first term tied for first in the class standings. Throughout the year we had vied back and forth for the top honors. I would do better on an exam, then she would ace a lab, then I would get the highest marks on a simulation, then she would give a briefing that was better than mine. Neither of us knew who was in the lead by the time classes ended. I think we were both relieved that so far it was a tie.  
  
We had chosen to room together again for the next year, so we packed up our things and moved out of the plebe dorm. Our room in the new dorm was just slightly bigger but the floor CO's were much more mellow. The upperclassmen with the most sadistic traits, like Danzig who still didn't like me but had never figured out what I had done with my ring, tended to choose those drill positions that would allow them to make the new cadets' lives a living hell. After than it was the plebe dorm postings that allowed for the most hazing. Those upperclassmen assigned to the second year cadets' dorm tended to be more interested in putting down the experience on their resume than tormenting new students.  
  
Summer term was over quickly. Most classes given during this time were pass/fail only, which allowed the students a little breathing space and time to enjoy the largely elective offerings. I had taken a class on the history of inventions as well as a xenoanthropology course on myths across the Federation. This would be the last time we were allowed to kick back in our studies. Our future courses would be hard sciences, math, engineering, computer, and of course military science, ethics, and protocol. Our summers would be spent on short training cruises in a variety of vessels. We were in for a very busy three years.  
  
On the last day of summer term, Cassie and I were walking back to our room from class. We saw a huge commotion in front of the plebe dorm. Students were arriving singly, in pairs, or with their families. We could see the chaos inside the dorm.  
  
"That was us just one year ago."  
  
Cassied nodded and touched my hand gently. "I wouldn't have been so scared then if I had known you were waiting for me."  
  
"Nor would I."  
  
"You? Scared? Nothing scares you, Valeris!"  
  
We made our way around the new arrivals. "Sure it does. I'm just not allowed to show it."  
  
"Hmm." She did not sound convinced. "So what do you say we go out and celebrate? Why don't we hop down the coast and go to LA for a couple of days? I've always wanted to see it, and the Hollywood Museum is supposed to have some amazing exhibits and sims?" She danced around me excitedly, her tone wheedling. "Oh c'mon, Valeris, let's get out of here, let's go have some fun!"  
  
"Ok," I allowed my eyes to twinkle at her. "Let's go."  
  
I hoped the sims wouldn't prove too exciting. I knew from experience that amusement park rides tended to make me squeal in a most unVulcan-like way. I gave a mental shrug. This would be an excellent test of my newfound restraint. And besides, it would be a blast.  
  
**************************  
  
We were midway through our second year. Our last midterm was over and we had a short break coming up. Cassie and I were on our way back to the dorm discussing our plans for the upcoming free time. She was going home to Albuquerque tomorrow. I was heading back to Seattle; it had been far too long since I had seen my aunt.  
  
"Rise?"  
  
Stunned, I turned too quickly, nearly overbalancing. I felt Cassie steady me. The sight that met me could not have been more shocking. It was Cameron, but his normally handsome face was puffy and his golden eyes were red.  
  
"Cameron?" I turned to Cassie. "It's ok. This is an old friend. I'll catch up with you later."  
  
She studied Cameron curiously. "Why did he call you Rise?"  
  
"It's his pet name for me. I've got to go." I followed Cameron down the trail away from campus. "Cameron, what the hell are you doing here? What's wrong?"  
  
He started walking faster. "Not here, Rise. Just wait."  
  
We walked for some time in silence and I grew more and more worried. Why couldn't he just tell me? Finally he turned off into a small off campus motel. He pulled out his key and let us into a room on the first level. "Sit down, Rise."  
  
I did so as he locked the door and drew the curtains. He stood for a moment at the window as if gathering strength. When he turned back around I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.  
  
"Cameron, what is it? What's happened?" He just looked at me, as if helpless to begin what he had come here to tell me. "Oh god. No. Please not Shayla." I rose and grabbed him by the arms. "Tell me it's not Shayla, damn it! It can't be her." I was crying now too as he just looked at me sadly.  
  
He put his arms around me and pulled me close. "It wasn't even a smuggling run she was on. She had decided to surprise Phillip with a birthday trip to Risa. They were on their way back when it happened."  
  
I pulled away, fought desperately for some measure of control. My whole world was crumbling. "Who did it?"  
  
He shook his head, "Nobody's really sure. The Miranda was completely destroyed. It's disputed territory, Rise. It would just be speculation at this point."  
  
"Who?" I screamed at him.  
  
"Klingons."  
  
I paced the room, he tried to catch me up in his arms but I wouldn't let him. "Everything! They've taken everything from me! Damn them! Damn them to hell!" I stopped mid stride. I felt dizzy, the room was spinning. "Help me," I whispered.  
  
He was there, easing me down on the bed, holding me while I wept, crying his own tears. Finally, after what seemed like hours later, I lay still next to him. "I have nothing left," I said flatly.  
  
"You have me, Rise. Don't stay here any longer. You belong with someone that loves you, someone that knows who you are and accepts you for it. Not that damn Vulcan. He may have fathered you, but I've been more of a dad to you than he could ever dream of being. Come with me, Rise. We're all the family we have left."  
  
I felt his lips on my forehead. I felt safe with him. He was right; he was more of a father than Spock would ever be to me. Part of me wanted to go with him but I couldn't. "Will you be there for the funeral, Cameron?"  
  
He accepted my question as the answer it was. "Yes. I'll help you with that and with the houses. Phillip left you everything he had, you know. He considered you a daughter, too."  
  
I was mildly surprised. I had been so wrapped up in my mother and aunt I had never stopped to think that Phillip might have loved me just as much. "I need to go back to the dorm, to sign out."  
  
He got up. "I have Shayla's car outside, let's go."  
  
I looked around for his bags. "You came with no luggage?"  
  
"This room wasn't for me, it was for you. So you could cry in peace and not blow your precious cover." He smiled at me sadly, "I guess I already knew what your answer would be. I had to ask though."  
  
"I know. I'm glad you did, even if I couldn't say yes. Ask me again sometime, you might be surprised."  
  
He pulled me into another quick hug. "I love you, kiddo."  
  
"I love you, Cameron."  
  
****************  
  
I hurriedly signed out on the dorm computer than rushed up to the room. Cassie wasn't in the room but her bags were still on the bed. I grabbed my own bags, started to throw a fresh uniform into it; I would need it for the funeral.  
  
"Rise, what are you doing?"  
  
I spun in anger. "What did you call me."  
  
Cassie looked bewildered. "You said it was a nickname. I thought it was cute. That you might like to hear it."  
  
I knew my eyes were cold, "You were mistaken." I turned back to my packing.  
  
"Valeris," she emphasized the word, "Why are you packing a uniform for break?" When I did not react she physically stopped me, her hands holding me in place. "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
My words were barely audible, "My guardian has been killed in an accident."  
  
"Oh god, I'm so sorry." She tried to turn me to face her.  
  
"Please don't," I nearly whimpered. "I am quite emotional. My sponsor would not approve. It is most inappropriate." I shuddered with the strain of holding in the grief and the lies.  
  
She turned me forcibly, "Spock be damned, Valeris. You were raised among humans. I've seen you react just as I would to funny things, to sad things. You don't have to hold this in with me. I'm your best friend. And I love you."  
  
Her last words nearly undid me. I could feel the shudders grow stronger. "I'm all alone, Cassie. All alone."  
  
She pulled me down and held me close. I did not cry but my whole body shook as she comforted me. For one moment it was not my roommate's voice but my mother's whispering, "There, there. There, there."  
  
Mom, I cried out in my mind. Mom, I'm losing you. Now I've lost Shayla too. Mom, help me, please help me.  
  
"Shhh," Cassie urged. "Shh. You'll never be alone, Valeris. Not while I'm alive."  
  
I didn't tell her that her words were scant comfort. People I loved had a habit of dying.  
  
***********************************  
  
Cassie had offered to come with me to Seattle but I had sent her home to her family. There were many things I would have to take care of and it would just be easier without her there.  
  
"But I don't want you to be alone," she had protested.  
  
"I won't be. Cameron will be there to help me." I had shooed her out of the room. "I'll see you in a week, Cassie. And thank you. You'll never know what your friendship means to me."  
  
Now I stood alone in front of two new graves. The joint funeral service was over. A mixed group of civilian and Starfleet had attended. I had worried about attending, worried that some of the mourners would see me as Rise, others as Valeris. Briefly, I had considered again wearing the black veil that had so effectively hidden me from the world at my mother's funeral but at the last moment had put on my uniform, suddenly not carrying what risks I ran. I was at the point of numb ambivalence. If I were found out then I would leave with Cameron. If not I would keep on the path to my father. The universe could decide for me, I no longer cared to.  
  
And in the end I had not been exposed. The minister was new in town and only knew me as Phillip's ward. Only a few friends of both my mother and aunt attended and they were discreet in their condolences. As I looked at the fresh dirt, so close to my mother's plot, I felt a part of my life closing off. Rise Chapel was well and truly dead. And I didn't know yet who or what Valeris really was.  
  
"Excuse me, Miss." A small man stood at my elbow. "I'm so sorry to intrude on your time of sorrow. But I think you will want to hear what I have to say. I handled Shayla Ross' business affairs."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at him. "I know her lawyer. You are not he."  
  
He nodded agreement, "You're right. I'm the one that handled her more. how shall I put this?. irregular business dealings." When I did not react, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a clear capsule containing bright pink liquid. "Do you know what this is?"  
  
"I haven't any idea. Now if you'll excuse me."  
  
"Rise Chapel," he hissed, "Your aunt wanted you to have a safety net and it is my job to make sure you know how to use it. Now get back here.  
  
I turned slowly. "What is your name?"  
  
"My name is Cassius Miranda. I've been looking out for your aunt's affair for a long time. Kept her out of legal hot water quite a few times," he chuckled. "She was a one, that Shayla. Now are you going to trust me or not?"  
  
I walked over to him. "Alright. I shall trust you, Mr. Miranda."  
  
He fussed with the vial holding the capsule. "Call me Cassius, my dear. Now hold out your hand, palm up."  
  
I did as he said and he laid the capsule on my skin. In seconds it was melting into my palm, the pink liquid burning slightly as it disappeared. The pain was gone quickly. "What was it?"  
  
"Ferengi bank id fluid. Ingenious really. The liquid can't be detected now that it is in your system. But it will subtly alter your blood reading just enough to identify you to a number of bank managers on some off shore worlds that have less than stringent observation of Federation finance laws."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Oh I know that Dr. Boyce left you the bulk of his estate. But if you were to have to leave Earth rather suddenly you might not have access to this money. Plus the Federation knows about it. Your aunt wanted you to have some money you could get to at anytime, and as anyone you needed to be. These accounts are yours free and clear. And you'll find there is quite a lot of latinum in them, too. Shayla was a canny speculator. She always seemed to know where the need was going to open up. You could trust that she would be one of the first in with the product de jour." He smiled fondly as he handed me a list. "You just present yourself at one of these banks. There are funds waiting for you in all of them. Oh and better hurry up and memorize that list, the paper disintegrates 10 minutes after exposure to air."  
  
He was silent as I consigned the names and addresses of the five banks to memory. Just as he said, the paper began to tear apart and soon there was nothing left. I studied him curiously, "You could have used this capsule as easily as I, yes?"  
  
"Sure, they don't care what you look like, or who you say you are. You just have to have the right code running through your blood."  
  
"They why didn't you use it?"  
  
"Because your aunt wanted it for you."  
  
I gave him a full smile. It felt strange to my mouth. "I can see why my aunt named her ship after you, Cassius. You are a man of honor."  
  
"Well I don't know about that, Ms. Chapel." He grinned at me and dug some business holocards out of his vest. "Just in case you ever find yourself in a jam. That's my direct line. Make sure Cameron has one too. I've had to move recently, don't know if he has the new number."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"My pleasure, dear. Good luck with your Starfleet career. If you are anything like your aunt, they're not going to know what hit them." He chuckled to himself as he moved off.  
  
I stared at my palm. My internal numbness had been replaced with a warm appreciation of my aunt's ability to watch out for me, even after she was dead.  
  
************  
  
In a week I had taken what I wanted out of Phillip's house and sold the rest of the furnishings with the house to a young Starfleet couple just starting out. Cameron and I had taken Phillip's clothing and personal items to a center collecting supplies for offworld refugee. Once we were done I put the money from the sale in my Federation account and moved in with Cameron for my last day. Shayla had left him the house. I had always suspected they were lovers but I had never guessed at the depth of emotion he carried in his heart for her. He was truly devastated by her death.  
  
"What are you going to do?"  
  
He shook his head, "Go off world, make some money, cause some trouble. I don't know."  
  
"You mean you don't *care,* don't you."  
  
"Don't start, Rise. I'm not in the mood."  
  
"Ok. Just be careful. I may need you someday."  
  
He smiled at that. "Nyah. You're always going to be able to land on your feet. But I'll keep tabs on you from wherever I happen to be. Use the house if you want. It'll get lonely without anyone living in it."  
  
"It's just a house, Cameron."  
  
"No, it's filled with memories, of all the love and laughter and anger and fights and passion that ever happened in it. It'll never be just a house."  
  
"I'll take good care of it," I assured him. But in my heart I doubted the truthfulness of that statement. Hodgekiss, the cat that I had taken in all those years ago, had run away the night Cameron and I showed up. I had called and called her but she had not come back. I believed that she knew she had been abandoned by Shayla and was off for greener pastures. I wished that I could be so resilient.  
  
**************  
  
"I grieve with thee, Valeris."  
  
I looked up to see Spock standing in the door to my room. I had made it back from break before Cassie so I was alone. I examined his demeanor, his face. He didn't appear to be feeling anything at all.  
  
"Most kind, Sir."  
  
"If there is anything I can do?"  
  
I shook my head. "Everything has been done. But again, most kind."  
  
He moved into the room, sat at the desk. "Valeris, I hope you know that you can come to me during times such as these. I am in a position to understand feelings, strong emotions, such as the grief you must be feeling now but are hiding so well."  
  
Sure, I thought bitterly. I know how broken up you were by your own wife's death. "I will consider your offer, Sir."  
  
"Valeris, when we are alone, you can call me Spock. I will not be offended."  
  
I was so angry with him at that moment I almost blurted out, "How about if I just call you Daddy, you arrogant bastard!" But I swallowed my rage and said demurely, "I fear that if I were to become accustomed to that I would slip and shame you in some public forum."  
  
His voice was very gentle, "I doubt that you would. You are generally the model of Vulcan propriety. I have had no reason to regret my choice to sponsor you."  
  
"I will consider it, Sir. It is an idea that will take some getting used to." I was relieved to see Cassie enter the room, lugging a new Navaho rug under her arm.  
  
"Hi, Valeris," she noticed Spock sitting to the side, "Oh! Hello, sir!"  
  
"Cadet Drake." He rose. "I will leave you, Valeris. Please consider what I said."  
  
Cassie waited till he was gone then asked, "What did he say?"  
  
I shook my head, "Just some advice on which classes to take." I nodded at the rug. "So tell me about this. And every other thing that happened while you were home."  
  
******************************  
  
My 14th birthday passed unmarked. I had expected something from Cameron but he appeared to have disappeared off the face of the Earth, in this case literally, and I had no idea where he might be. My twentieth birthday, on the other hand, was remembered by Cassie, who gave me a funny card and some hair ornaments. She also insisted on buying me dinner at Sekhmet. We walked down to the restaurant through a light rain that blew up under our umbrellas, leaving us as damp as if we had not even bothered with the rain gear. The dank warmth of the cave-like restaurant felt good against my rain-slicked skin. We made our way to a booth in the back.  
  
"Valeris, Cassie, hi." It was Tom Cranston. He was an upperclassman that we had met in one of our advanced science courses. He was sitting with three other cadets and I recognized the female sitting next to him as my drill instructor from hell, Danzig. She did not look very happy when we stopped to talk.  
  
Cassie ignored her. "Hey Tom. It's Valeris' birthday, did you know?"  
  
He shook his head. "No, I didn't. I'll send you a drink, I mean if you drink, well I know you must drink something, but I'm not really sure what you would want if you did drink. Ow." He rubbed his arm where Danzig had elbowed him.  
  
I took pity on him. "I like the mint tea here very much."  
  
He gave me a big smile. "Ok then, it's on its way. Happy Birthday, Valeris."  
  
"Thank you." I gave Cassie a push to get her moving to the booth. Once we sat down a waiter appeared with a pot of the tea and two cups.  
  
Cassie laughed, "I guess what I want is totally irrelevant. He likes you so much. Did you see Danzig's face. God that was so perfect!" Cassie looked at me curiously when I did not react to her gushing. "Valeris, I know you are Vulcan and all, but have you had any experience with, you know, boys?"  
  
I looked at her askance, "That is an extremely personal question."  
  
"Oh come on. Give."  
  
"No. I have not had any as you say experience. I was rather focused as a child and I hardly have time now."  
  
"Well you could make time if you wanted to. Cranston is quite the catch you know. And he is just crazy about you. I love how he gets all tongue- tied when you're around." She took in my indifferent look. "You don't even care do you? I guess I can see your point. I mean as cute as he is, Cranston doesn't really stack up against a living legend." She gave me a little smirk.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
She laughed. "Oh don't be coy, Valeris. Anyone can see how he feels about you."  
  
"How *who* feels about me."  
  
Cassie poured some more tea for us and looked at me in disbelief. "Well Spock of course."  
  
I felt sick. Nauseated to the very core of me. She could not be serious. "Take that back."  
  
Concerned, Cassie held up her hands. "Hey I'm not saying you're having wild monkey sex or anything. Just that he really likes you."  
  
I ran then for the bathroom. I got to the stall just in time, and threw up the tea and what little else was in my stomach. Finally, I understood the feelings of unease I had felt around Spock. The thought of him made my stomach heave once more. I felt Cassie's hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Valeris? Are you ok?"  
  
I pushed myself up from the toilet. "I believe I am ill. I have been feeling strange all day. Do you mind if we go back?"  
  
"No, that's fine. I hope I didn't upset you with what I said?"  
  
I replied evenly. "No. You are undoubtedly right about Captain Spock. But he is a Vulcan and will take a long time to express what he feels. As for Cranston, I like him very much as a lab partner, but nothing more. Now, can we go home?"  
  
The walk back took forever and once in the dorm room I tossed and turned for hours in my small bed, intermittently fighting nausea. I had been such a sheltered fool. That conversation I had overheard between him and Saavik, they had been talking about me! And those looks that I had not understood, they too had been about me. What had I gotten myself into? Had I a home to run back to I would have left that night. But I did not, and until I figured out what to do with my life I had no better alternative than to stay right where I was. But I would have to grow up quickly if I were to fend off my father's advances without exposing my true nature.  
  
Finally realizing that sleep was not coming soon if at all, I dug deep into my memories for the mental weapon I had made so long ago. I had not visited it for years. It was time now to update it. I poured every emotion I had into it, concentrating on the horrified and sick feeling of knowing that my father wanted me as a lover. I did not necessarily plan to ever use this against him, because I could never see him forcing himself on me, but it helped me deal with the awful feelings that were assailing me. After a bit I wrapped it back up and shoved it into its safe space. And then, finally, I slept.  
  
************************************  
  
When I woke up the next morning, I found that my mind and spirit were calm. Nothing had to change. Spock had been "interested" in me for over a year yet he had done little to press his suit. As long as I stayed a shy student he would probably not rush me. I just had to be sure not to act any differently around him.  
  
This did not prove as difficult as I thought it might. Several days later Spock invited me to his parents' house for a family dinner. I found Amanda and Sarek unchanged, they at least seemed oblivious to their son's true interest in me. Saavik's comments often seemed double-edged but not mean spirited. And as usual when she saw that I did not understand she changed the subject. Spock watched me in his intense way. I ignored him as best I could, just as I had in the past.  
  
But something was different. Something inside me. I could feel myself turning hard somewhere that used to be young and soft. I was overrun with hatred and resentment. I hated the Klingons for taking away the women I had loved. I resented Spock for putting me in this position. I tried to hate him too, but I could not. Other than on the issue of his personal interest, I could not fault his treatment of me. He had opened me up to things that I would never have known, and he had shown me my Vulcan family. I was nervous around him but I stayed in his orbit because I enjoyed his company. And he was my blood father. In my heart I still thought that meant something.  
  
The year progressed and soon we were nearing the time when we would get our first training assignments. Cassie and I were both hoping for a starship, preferably the same one, but we knew that was unlikely our first cruise. We would tease each other that we had heard that the other one was being assigned to a garbage scow, or a cruise shuttle, or anything else we could think of that sounded menial or dull. Cassie had tried to upset me with news that I would be on weapons duty for a hospital ship. I thought longingly of my animals and the little makeshift veterinary I had run for them.  
  
"That wouldn't be so bad," I said with just a tinge of sadness in my voice.  
  
************  
  
Class was only half over. Commander Biggs had surprised everyone with a pop quiz. Judging from the groans that had emanated at the start of the quiz, and the fact that the rest of the class had not completed what I thought was a fairly easy group of questions, I surmised that I was the only one that had done the reading. I had turned in my exam and now sat waiting for dismissal.  
  
"Valeris, could you get your things and come here?"  
  
I grabbed my bag and walked back to his desk. "I hate to penalize you for being the only one that did the assigned reading. So instead of just sitting there for the rest of the class how would you like to run an errand to Fleet Headquarters for me?"  
  
"Sir, yes Sir." I had never been to the main building before. Headquarters started where campus ended. It was only a short walk, but it might have been the moon as far as we younger cadets were concerned.  
  
He handed me a package. "Take this to Lt. Colonel West, you'll find him in the CINC/Marine Forces area." He handed me a pass with an official looking seal, "You'll need this to get into the executive areas. Oh and please wait for West to accept delivery personally. Do not give this to an aide. If it looks like you are going to end up being late for your next class, ask him for a pass."  
  
"Yes, Sir." I stuffed the package in my book bag and set out. It was a pleasant day and I kept a brisk pace. In no time I was at the main building. My cadet uniform got me through the gates and after checking a few building maps I made my way up to the top level. The elevator opened onto a military guard in front of thick doors.  
  
"Orders?"  
  
I handed over the piece of paper that Biggs had given me. He scrutinized it carefully, even called up my name in his computer. Finally he handed back the credentials. "Proceed."  
  
He pushed a switch on his desk and the doors whooshed open. A receptionist sat just beyond, a long hall behind her. "May I help you?"  
  
'"I have a package for Lt. Col. West."  
  
She held out her hands. "I'll be happy to take it."  
  
"For him personally, ma'am."  
  
She indicated a waiting area to the side. "Well then take a seat. It could be quite a while. He's in a meeting right now."  
  
I sat down and waited patiently. For about ten minutes. Then I began to feel fidgety. How long should I wait before I asked her about West's meeting. I noticed people were coming out of the hall. It looked like a meeting had just broken up. The receptionist followed a couple of people out, I supposed to go to the restroom. I knew that I should wait but I was overcome with curiosity. Slipping past the door I moved swiftly down the hall. A conference room stood to my right and I crept in. Two people stood talking. One I couldn't help but recognize. Admiral Cartwright. The other person I didn't know, but he had on a Marine's uniform with Lt. Col. pips.  
  
They did not notice me and I walked silently forward into the large room. In front of them they had a large map of the star system near Risa. It had X's with the names of ships drawn all over it.  
  
"This is the area of the most activity right now, Sir. I think this is where we should strike. We know of at least five incidents with the Klingons in this sector."  
  
"Seven." I said, causing the two men to turn in shock.  
  
The marine had drawn his phaser automatically. "Listening at doors is a dangerous habit, Cadet.?"  
  
"Valeris." I set the package on the table, "This is for you I think, from Commander Biggs. You are Col. West?" I ignored his weapon and walked to the map. Taking a pen I drew a circle around the areas my aunt had mentioned that Klingons were most likely to be waiting in. Then I put X's where we were attacked when my mother died, and where the Miranda was reported to be lost. "Seven."  
  
The admiral studied the map. "How do you know this area?"  
  
I gave him a small smile. "I have friends in unsavory places, Sir. They keep me informed. Some of them died in these locations." I looked at West, who had not lowered his weapon. "You can put that away. From the looks of it I wandered into something classified and perhaps even more delicate than that, but you don't need to worry about me." I gave both men a hard look. "I hate Klingons as much as you ever could."  
  
West put his weapon away. "Maybe we could test that theory out. You must be due for a training cruise. How about trying one out on my ship."  
  
"Fine sir. But only if you intend to kill Klingons on this voyage."  
  
Another voice chimed in, "Are you sure she isn't Romulan?"  
  
I turned to see a stranger walking up. A stranger to me, neither of the other two seemed worried that he was there. He gave me a small nod. "Ambassador Nanclus. From Romulus. At your service, my dear." He studied me. Then frowned deeply. "I have seen you. At the Vulcan ambassador's house. You are the special envoy's protégé, are you not?"  
  
"Spock is my mentor, yes. I don't know this special envoy."  
  
West had his phaser back out. "The special envoy to the Klingons *is* Captain Spock. His father is also heavily involved with the initial talks with the Klingon Chancellor's people. Are you a spy?"  
  
Spock and Sarek were working with the Klingons? It could not be possible. But they had both been off world several times this term. But how could they? Klingons could not be trusted. And apparently neither could the men of my family. I raised an eyebrow at him. "No, I am not a spy. At least not yet. I have told you I hate Klingons, and it is true. I will prove it to you. I will bring you information that you want, that you need, from inside the Vulcan residence. I will find out their plans."  
  
West sneered, "And what do you get out of this besides your life?" The gun was now against my temples.  
  
"It would appear that Captain Spock and I disagree on the nature of Klingons and the need for their continued existence. I have other issues with the Captain; issues that make me less than eager to see him succeed. Couple the two, and I think you can see how I might be of use to you."  
  
The Romulan motioned West to put away the phaser. He touched me on the forehead, not a mind link for there was no connection with his essence, but he seemed to be able to read my emotions. "She speaks the truth. I can sense her hatred of both the Klingons and the Vulcan. I think we have just added an excellent ally, gentlemen."  
  
West did not seem convinced. "I want to see how you do on the "training cruise" before I say you're ok."  
  
I drew myself up to my full height. "I will do fine. You shall see. Now if it would not be too much trouble, could I get a pass from one of you? I expect this third degree will cause me to be late for my next class."  
  
Nanclus and Cartwright smiled. West just stared at me. I met his gaze unwaveringly. Finally he started to laugh. "You've got a pair on you, Valeris, I'll give you that. Come on, let's get you a pass."  
  
GO to part two 


	2. Part 2 of 2

Everyone was surprised but me when my first training assignment turned out to be on the Baltimore, a Marine ship heading out for the edges of the quadrant. I used the excuse that it was an excellent ship to learn to pilot on. It was small, maneuverable, and headed for possibly lots of peacekeeping action. I was the back-up helmsman and comms. West was in command. I found myself actually looking forward to it.  
  
Before I left I caught up with Spock at his parents'. He seemed preoccupied. "I wanted to say goodbye. I am heading out for my first training mission."  
  
He looked up, his gaze focusing on me as if for the first time. "Yes, I heard. An odd choice for you. I was surprised that the fleet selected it for someone so young."  
  
"I finished the term second in my class, sir. And I wish to learn the helm, I have made that very clear to my instructors. I believe this will be a beneficial tour."  
  
"As you say. I wished to congratulate you on your high placement. You and Cadet Drake have vied for the number one spot all year. You have done extremely well, Valeris."  
  
"Thank you, Sir. I have only done my best."  
  
He rose and walked toward me. "You lack pride. That is a good thing, very Vulcan."  
  
"I *am* a Vulcan," I said evenly as I turned to look out the window. I sensed him coming up behind me. I was shocked to feel his hand on my hair. "Sir?"  
  
"You have your hair down today, Valeris. It makes you look softer. It is most becoming."  
  
I told myself not to panic. He would never hurt me. "It is not regulation, Sir."  
  
His voice was soft in my ear. "Can you not call me Spock, Valeris?"  
  
I pulled away from him. Without turning to look at him I said "It would not be seemly, Sir." I sought to distract him. "So where are you off to now, I see you have bags packed." I had passed them sitting by the door as I came into the office.  
  
"I am on a mission of some importance."  
  
"To where?"  
  
"I am not at liberty to say."  
  
"It must be very sensitive to have you so tight-lipped, Sir."  
  
"Valeris, why this sudden interest in my whereabouts?"  
  
I wanted to know where he was going, I justified my actions with this fact. "Sir," I trailed off as if too shy to go on.  
  
"Continue."  
  
"I must confess to curiosity. You are often gone and I thought perhaps you have a woman on some other planet. I must confess this idea makes me feel strange."  
  
He looked up, I was chagrined to see hope in his eyes. "Strange, how?"  
  
I pretended to think it over. "Edgy? Not at ease?. Uncomfortable at the idea. I know I am only a child to you, but I do not like the idea of you with another woman."  
  
He gave me a small smile. "You have never been just a child to me, Valeris. Never."  
  
I swallowed back bile. I hated doing this but I had to know where he was going. "Then if I am not a child why will you not share your destination with me?"  
  
He sighed and turned to look out the window. I thought I had lost. Just as I was ready to turn and walk out his voice came out softly, "I am going to Kronos."  
  
I tried to keep the triumph I felt out of my voice and show only amazement. "Kronos? The home world of the Klingon Empire? Why?"  
  
"Because it is time for peace, and I am one of the few that can help bring it about. Or more accurately one of the few willing to bring it about."  
  
I hid my revulsion for his cause. "But that is amazing! And you have been there before? You are making progress?"  
  
He seemed to almost bask in my youthful zeal, "Yes, things are progressing. I am extremely satisfied with the steps we have made so far."  
  
"Do you think there will be peace soon, Sir?"  
  
"Soon? Soon in a relative sense, yes. Perhaps in as little as twenty years. Sooner if some catastrophe occurs to cause the Klingons to desire a treaty. It is a slow process but we could see peace in our lifetime." He looked at me sternly. "There are many who do not want us to forge a peace with the Klingon Empire, Valeris. You must speak of this to no one."  
  
I gave him my most earnest look, "I would never betray a confidence, Sir."  
  
"I know that, l'kch'aya. I know that."  
  
*************  
  
I stopped in the library on my way out to look up the word Spock had used. It meant *spring flower.* It was an endearment. So things were progressing. I shuddered to think of him touching my hair.  
  
Almost running from my grandparents' house, I found the nearest hair stylist. They had an appointment available and I sat in the chair as the young woman ran her fingers through my long black hair.  
  
"Cut it off."  
  
"Why? It is so beautiful, so soft."  
  
I grabbed a holostill I had found while I had been waiting for her. It showed a blunt cut, very severe, cut out sharply over the ears. The effect was harsh. "I want this."  
  
She was clearly resistant, "Your hair is the wrong texture, it will just fall into your face"  
  
I pointed to a silver headband on sale at the counter. Cadets often came here because this shop carried the few that were regulation. "So I'll wear one of those. Just do it."  
  
"Look you didn't just break up with your boyfriend did you? 'Cuz that is what so many women do, they come in all 'cut it all off' but they really don't mean it and then they are so sorry and there is no way to fix it."  
  
I made to rise from the chair. "If you won't do it, I'll find someone that will."  
  
She pushed me back down. "Ok, ok. I'll do it. It'll probably look good on you. You've got the bone structure for it."  
  
An hour later, I was transformed. I stared in the mirror at the woman that looked back at me.  
  
"You look fantastic. You sure were right about this style for you."  
  
I tipped her and paid the bill, walking slowly to the dorm. I felt as if I had shed far more than the 15 or so inches of hair the stylist had removed. She had asked me if I wanted the hair, I had shaken my head, "Burn it."  
  
I felt as if the part of me that was Rise Chapel was getting harder and harder to find. Would I wake up one day and find her not here at all?  
  
I thought Cassie was going to scream when she saw me. "What have you done, Valeris? Oh my god, turn around." She studied me from many angles. "Damn you! You look great! Nobody should look that good in a haircut that bizarre! What made you do it?"  
  
I shrugged. I had become much more relaxed with her in private since the day she had comforted me. "Seemed like it would be easier to care for this way. And I am tired of looking like a little girl."  
  
"Well you definitely look like a woman now. A rather scary woman, but a woman. When you get to the Baltimore, you're going to have to beat those Marines off with a stick."  
  
***********************  
  
The Baltimore turned out to be a small and very sleek little ship. Used primarily for patrol or rescue missions she could maneuver quickly and was packed with firepower at odds with her small size. I was given ample opportunity to pilot on our way out to the sector of space we had identified as most in need of our protection.  
  
I had expected West to be a hard master and something of a problem but he was very fair and obviously well liked by his crew. His first officer, Major Nelkin, went out of her way to welcome me as well.  
  
"We don't get many cadets on a ship this size, Valeris. You're going to get a lot of attention and practice. I think you'll like it here."  
  
And she was right. For the most part I did like it. The marines were a tough crew, physically impressive and rowdier than I was used to at the Academy. They accepted me as a little sister, and I was always being teased or asked to join a group of them in a game of poker or to watch a holovid. Cassie had been right that most of the men, and not a few of the women, had asked me to interact privately. I always turned them down. Most of them took it in good humor. One did not. His name was Sandeau. He was a cocky sergeant, and he and his buddy Burke were always hanging around me. I knew that West noticed them bothering me, but he did nothing to rein them in.  
  
Burke at least was not aggressive, preferring to just stare at me with his large sad eyes. "Hello, Valeris," he would say whenever he saw me off duty. "It's nice to see you." I would give him a gentle nod.  
  
But Sandeau invariably turned the conversation into something sordid. After a week of his taunts and leers I was ready to scream. I was in the mess and had just taken my tray to a table. I saw him say something to his table mates. Burke looked upset and tried to hold him back, but Sandeau pulled away and walked to my table.  
  
"Hey, Valeris." His tone was sleazy.  
  
"Go away, Sandeau." I kept eating and did not even look up at him.  
  
Suddenly his hands slammed down on the table in front of me. He leaned toward me, fingers spread on the plastic, eyes glaring. "I've had enough of your attitude, Valeris. I say it's time you and me worked out our differences, if you know what I mean," he thrust his hips at me in an obscene gesture. "Or maybe you'd rather get it on with your sugar daddy West?"  
  
Something snapped in me. I grabbed my knife and brought it down in a savage thrust. It caught him right in the webbing between his thumb and forefinger and bit deep into the plastic, pinning his hand to the table. His scream rang out and everything stopped in the room.  
  
Colonel West called out from the mess line. "Is everything alright over there?"  
  
I ignored the angry Sandeau who was attempting to pull the knife out of the table. "Yes sir." I looked up at my commanding officer, "except I seem to have misplaced my knife."  
  
West laughed. "I'll bring you a new one." He handed me a fresh knife as he looked over at Sandeau. "Got him right where it wouldn't do any permanent damage. I'm impressed." He gave his injured crewman a disapproving look, "Sandeau, don't you have something to say to Cadet Valeris."  
  
Sandeau gave up on the knife and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Sir. It won't happen again."  
  
I looked at his face and saw pure hatred and grudging respect. "Would you like some help with that," I indicated the knife.  
  
"Please." He said between clenched teeth  
  
I reached over and had to give the handle quite a jerk before it came loose. I had no idea that I was that strong.  
  
West gestured with his head to the door, "Get to sickbay and have that tended." The man cradled his hand and left the mess, trailed as always by Burke. The colonel sat down across from me. "So what exactly did he say to you?"  
  
I returned to eating even though my heart was pounding. "It was nothing, Sir."  
  
"Well if that's the case you're a raving lunatic, cadet. Is that what you want me to think, that you stab men for nothing?"  
  
"He implied that I was sleeping with you." I looked up at him, anger in my eyes that I could not hold back," Is that the way to get ahead on this ship, Sir?"  
  
He stared back at me calmly. "If it is somebody forgot to tell me." He grinned at me. "Look, if it had been anybody else I'd have pulled Sandeau off you long ago, but I wanted to see how you would react to him. He's a good man, loyal to me and that's important. But at times he can be an ass."  
  
"An ass? He is a pig! He is worse than a pig, he is a." I realized I didn't know any word that did him justice. "He disgusts me."  
  
"Yeah, well he won't bother you again. You scared the hell out of him with that little stunt." He went back to eating. "Oh and by the way, both Nelkin and I were impressed with the way you piloted today. Well done."  
  
The pleasure I felt nearly caused me to smile outright. "Thank you, Sir."  
  
He grunted in response, then we ate the rest of our meal in silence.  
  
********************  
  
Five weeks later we were on our last patrol run. We had seen ships crewed by Ferengi, Rigellians, Cardassians, and just about every other species under the multiple suns but no Klingons. But just because we hadn't seen any didn't mean they weren't busy. We had rescued one group of people set adrift on a midsize pleasure yacht. And later we investigated an attack on a Toroni supply ship. In both cases the injured parties described their attackers as Klingons in a small but fully-armed ship.  
  
So now we were looking for these Klingons, and had been for the last few weeks. It was the late shift, I was at the helm but like the rest of the bridge crew boredom had set me to studying the sensors, trying to see something, anything at all that looked vaguely Klingon-like. I rubbed my eyes and looked up and for a moment saw something shimmer on the vuscreen.  
  
"Major! I think I saw something. Mark 411 dead ahead."  
  
"Full stop, shields up," Nelkin was behind me, hands on my chair. "Show me."  
  
I scanned furiously. "There! No.there." I pointed to some strange energy surges. "Sir!"  
  
"Red alert," she yelled. The Klingon ship materialized only long enough to fire. "Incoming."  
  
Our shields took most of the hit but it still caused quite a bit of shaking.  
  
Nelkin was back in the command chair. "Lester, prepare to fire phasers. Valeris, give him the coordinates."  
  
I tracked the screen furiously, looking for the anomaly I had found. There. "Transferring coordinates, now."  
  
"Fire!"  
  
The Klingon ship briefly appeared in the afterglow of the phaser hit. It was a small scout vessel, just as the people we had rescued had described. And much like the one that had fired at the Miranda so long ago.  
  
Lester yelled out the damage reports on the Klingon vessel. The lift doors opened and West ran in.  
  
"What have we got?"  
  
Nelkin moved smoothly aside. "Klingon scout, fired on us without provocation. We returned fire. They are only slightly damaged. We are not hurt at all."  
  
The ship decloaked again to launch torpedoes.  
  
"Brace for impact," I said. The shields held but there was substantial rattling, several crewmembers were thrown from their seats.  
  
"Valeris?" Nelkin called.  
  
I scanned again. It was somewhere, it had to be. I looked in the logical direction from where they had been. Then I looked in the other direction. "Found it. Transferring now."  
  
"Fire torpedoes, Lester. And make it good." West sat forward in anticipation.  
  
The torpedoes screamed toward empty space. If I had been wrong.but the dark sky was ripped apart by the explosion of a Klingon scout ship in full destruction.  
  
"Yes!" West sounded jubilant. "Well done, Lester. Well done, Valeris."  
  
The bridge crew was beaming and I found it difficult not to let my own excitement overcome me.  
  
"Survivors?" West asked.  
  
I scanned. "No sir."  
  
He sat back in his chair. "Too bad."  
  
Nelkin grinned at me, "So how did you like your first Klingon hunt, cadet?"  
  
I kept my face emotionless, but I knew my eyes were dancing. "An exhilarating experience, Major."  
  
**************  
  
It was hard to believe that my six-week training cruise was already over. I was packing the last of my things as we approached spacedock. The doorchime rang. "Come."  
  
West stepped in. "Valeris, you ready to go?"  
  
"Almost, Sir."  
  
He sat down in the room's sole chair. "I've got to confess, I didn't believe in you. But you've handled yourself well here. You'll be a fine officer. And I think a fine patriot for the Federation."  
  
I stopped my packing and turned to him. "If you mean our common cause, I believe I am more zealous than ever."  
  
He grinned fiercely, "Liked killing Klingons, didn't you?"  
  
"Very much, Sir."  
  
"I have a proposal for you, Cadet. This year I'll be shipping out as head of the marine contingent on board the destroyer Endymion. It would be an excellent posting for your final training cruise. I can probably grease a few wheels if you want to come. You could rotate all over the ship. Spend your summer in the same place."  
  
"Would Sandeau be there?" I raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Probably. Are you going to let that stop you?"  
  
"Why do you want me there, Sir?"  
  
"Nothing like that, young lady." He looked embarrassed. "I like you, Valeris. And I treasure those I can trust. And I have a feeling I can trust you. So what do you say?"  
  
"I will look forward to it, Sir."  
  
He rose and walked to the door. "Good, I'll be in touch when I'm on earth. Maybe we can have dinner and you can tell me who else you've done bodily harm to?"  
  
"Sir, I had every reason to."  
  
He laughed as the door opened. "Save it, Valeris. Save it for someone who doesn't know you."  
  
******************************  
  
When I arrived back on campus I found it deserted. I went to the upperclassmen dorm where Cassie and I would be living. As juniors, we had the option of single rooms but by this time we were so accustomed to living together that we had selected one of the bigger double rooms. In addition to the sleeping area it had a small sitting room that made it seem like a little apartment.  
  
I palmed open the door and passed through the sitting room to put my things down on the bed. It was unmade. The room was clean but empty. Cartons containing our things were stacked neatly, waiting for us to return to unpack them. I considered starting to make the room look like home but found I had no energy for that exercise. I opened the carton that contained my off-duty clothing and selected some outfits, which I put into a satchel that I dug out of another box. I grabbed my toiletries bag from the carryall I had taken onboard the Baltimore and left the room.  
  
Several hours later I was opening the door to Shayla's house. Cameron's house now. I had hoped that he would be here but the house was locked up tight. One look at the dust-covered cloths covering the furniture and I knew that he had not been her for some time. I stood in the living room, still holding my bag. I would have to clean up just to sit down. Sighing I turned around and walked back outside, locking the door behind me.  
  
I stood in front of the house for few moments. Then, hoisting my bag over my shoulder, I started walking. At first I thought I was just aimlessly wandering. But as the cemetery came into view I realized that my subconscious had known where it was going the whole time.  
  
I found the graves with little effort. Setting my bag on a nearby bench, I sank to my knees in front of my mother and aunt's graves. I sat for a long time just staring at the markers. Here lies. Who? What would they put on my marker? Would anyone know to bring me back here? Here lies Rise Chapel. Who? Here lies Valeris. Who? My mind would not leave it alone. Who am I? Who do I want to be?  
  
I got up. Enough of this torture. "Goodbye, Mother. I love you," I touched her marker for a moment, trying to visualize her face, and having a hard time. It was so like Shayla's, but hers was fading fast too. "Goodbye, Shayla. I love you." As I walked to the bench I paused for a moment at Phillip's grave. "Sleep well, Bones." Then I gathered up my bag again and went back to San Francisco.  
  
The dorm room looked exactly as it had when I had left it only hours before. I went to the comm unit and dialed up Sarek's residence. A young Vulcan answered, he recognized me.  
  
"Ah, Cadet Valeris. The Ambassador and his wife are on Vulcan."  
  
"Is Captain Spock there?"  
  
"No. He has been off world for some time."  
  
Still on Kronos then. "What about Lt. Saavik?"  
  
"Lt. Saavik has reported back to full duty. She shipped out on the science vessel Corona. If I might be so bold, Cadet, you are welcome to come over to the residence. We could use your touch with Freya."  
  
I thanked him but refused. Hanging up I noticed that the computer had sent me my messages, my first call out being the signal that I was back. There were three messages. One was from Amanda, telling me that they were heading back to Vulcan but would return to Earth in time for Thanksgiving and that I was welcome to spend the long weekend with them. The second was from Cassie.  
  
"Valeris, if you don't have plans for our post-cruise break you should come to Albuquerque. My parents are really looking forward to meeting you. And so is my kid brother, he can't wait to see a real live Vulcan. Give me a call."  
  
The third message was a surprise. It was from Colonel West. "Valeris. I'm shipping out sooner than expected so I called AC about the Endymion. He thinks it is an excellent idea, especially after I told him about the knife incident." I laughed out loud. "I just wanted you to know that your final training cruise on the Endymion will be all taken care of, my dear. Stick with me and the future will be a brilliant place for us all." I smiled at his enthusiasm. And I was touched by his thoughfulness. I had not expected to become so fond of a man who had spent most of our first meeting with a phaser aimed at my head.  
  
Before I erased the message off the server, I encrypted a copy to save to my private file. Then I called Cassie. I felt a warm flush at seeing my friend's face on the vuscreen. When I asked her if she still desired my presence, she squealed in delight.  
  
"Are you kidding. You just try to stay away. And you're in for a treat! We're having green chili enchiladas tonight. We'll just see how far that Vulcan stoicism goes when you taste some of our hatch chilis! Oh this is so great."  
  
She gave me directions to her house and I grabbed my satchel and locked up the dorm room again. In two hours I was greeted with a terrific hug from my friend and was quickly caught up in her loving family. Her parents welcomed me like any school friend of Cassie, they paid no attention to the fact that I was Vulcan. But Cassie's six-year old brother, Nathan, followed me around like a puppy. He was full of questions about Vulcan that I couldn't answer. I finally had to explain that I was from a destroyed colony world. He looked very sad.  
  
"It's alright, Nathan. It was a long time ago."  
  
"So you don't really have a home?"  
  
I swallowed hard. "No, I guess I really don't."  
  
He thought about that for a second then he got up, grabbed my hand, and led me into his room. He let go of me at the door and began to clean off the bottom half of his bunk beds. Then suddenly he stopped and looked up at me. "You don't like the top best do you?"  
  
"The bottom is good. But what are you doing, Nathan?"  
  
He looked at me as if I was just a little slow. Very carefully he said, "I'm making you a home."  
  
I felt tears well up in my eyes and I blinked furiously. "Thank you, Nathan. That's very sweet."  
  
"You're crying, Valeris. I thought Vulcan's don't cry."  
  
I wiped the tears away. "We're not supposed to. You won't tell on me, will you?"  
  
He shook his head solemnly. "No way. We're roommates now."  
  
Cassie poked her head into the room. "Well I think Mom might have something to say about that, young man. Go wash up." She moved aside as he ran for the bathroom. "Sorry if he is bothering you."  
  
"He's not. I find him very welcoming."  
  
Cassie smiled at me. "I've missed you, Valeris. Now come on, we've got some authentic New Mexican cuisine to introduce you to! And I have to tell you about this ensign I met on the Grissom. Oh my god, he was so cute, and so smart. And I want to hear all about the Baltimore."  
  
I followed my friend down the hall. For the first time since I had returned to Earth I began to relax.  
  
*****************************  
  
Classes started up again a week later. Despite the wonderful time I had spent with Cassie's family I was glad to get back into the Academy routine. I didn't have many classes with my roommate, our chosen careers--hers science, mine piloting--would now take us in different academic directions.  
  
I did not look forward to seeing Spock again. Our last meeting had been the day that I had my hair cut off, the day he had touched me, the day I had pretended to be jealous. I thought back to a conversation I had had with Colonel West just before the Baltimore returned to Earth. It had been late and I was in the mess having coffee. He had come in and joined me. The room had been empty, giving us a rare opportunity to really talk about the Klingons, and the efforts of Spock and Sarek to bring a peace about.  
  
"Sir" I had ventured nervously, "I do not know how effective a spy I will be for you."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
I had swallowed audibly, "To get Spock to trust me would require me to get very close to him. And."  
  
He had interrupted, "And I can see by the look on your face that you find that idea abhorrent. Fine, then don't do it."  
  
"But I said I would. To prove my loyalty."  
  
He had smiled wolfishly, "Oh, you'll serve. You'll serve as an officer. And who knows, someday that access to your *mentor* Spock might come in handy. But I will not ask you to sacrifice yourself for information we could probably get elsewhere. Anybody that says differently can take it up with me."  
  
"Yes sir, but how will I serve the cause then?"  
  
He had smiled wolfishly, "Oh, you'll serve. Someday that access to your *mentor* Spock might come in handy. You'll serve as an officer. Anybody that says differently can take it up with me."  
  
He had put my mind at ease then, but now I was nervous that Spock would not accept my backpedaling after my behavior. But several days later, when he returned from Kronos, he did not seem to even notice the distance I was trying to reinsert in our relationship. He was distant and preoccupied, even a tiny bit irritated. I assumed the mission had not gone well.  
  
"Sir. Welcome home."  
  
"Valeris. Thank you." He barely glanced at me.  
  
So much for my worries, I thought wryly. "I take it your trip was not a success?"  
  
"Hmmm?" He looked up from his computer. "You must forget I ever told you about my mission. We will not speak of it again."  
  
"Of course, Sir." I turned to leave but stopped when I heard his voice call my name.  
  
"Valeris, what have you done to your hair?"  
  
I turned back smartly. "I had it cut, Sir. It seemed to fit better on a marine ship."  
  
"It makes you look harsh."  
  
I gave him a bitter little smile. "I take it you don't like it?"  
  
"I preferred it the other way. But how you wear your hair is of course your business."  
  
"Of course, Sir." I turned again to walk away.  
  
"Colonel West gave you excellent marks, Valeris. It appears your first training voyage was a great success."  
  
I did not turn around as I answered. "Yes, Sir. I believe it was most beneficial."  
  
"I hope you will try for something bigger for your second cruise."  
  
I turned to face him. "Sir, if I may speak plainly?" When he nodded I continued. "Not all of us will be lucky enough to end up on a Starship. Some of us will not make it off of Earth. You were extremely fortunate to be allowed to spend nearly your whole career on one ship. Extremely fortunate, or extremely limited. You should perhaps refrain from forcing your own choices on me." I stopped and stared at him challengingly. I did not know why his words enflamed me so, but they did. How dare he try to make my choices for me.  
  
His expression turned hard for a moment. Then he relaxed. "I believe I once said the same thing to Sarek. It is humbling to hear those thoughts now come from the mouth of my protégé. I apologize, Valeris. I will attempt to not force-fit you into a mold of my own making."  
  
In that moment I felt an overwhelming affection for the man. If only we could be this way all the time. Like a real father and daughter. But it was too late for that. The game was too far gone.  
  
"It is good to have you home, Sir."  
  
His look was warm, "It is good to be home, Valeris."  
  
********************  
  
It was the weekend and I was in Seattle. It had been months since I had heard from Cameron so I had come back to my hometown to use the comm system in the old house. I didn't want my call to be traced. I did a little rerouting of the lines before placing a call to Cassius Miranda.  
  
"Well, hello there."  
  
I noticed he was careful not to use my name, either of them. I did him the same courtesy. "Hello. I seem to have misplaced my friend. The one that I gave your card to. I have tried to track him down, but he is not an easy man to locate when he does not want to be found. Do you have any word?"  
  
Cassius looked genuinely concerned. "I have wondered the same thing. I have made some inquiries through my own channels. Nobody has any word of him. And believe me if these people can't find him, he may not be out there at all."  
  
"You mean dead?" I felt my heart begin to pound faster.  
  
He held up a hand as if to calm me. "Now don't go jumping to the direst conclusion. He may just be lying low. He doesn't have a ship of his own so he could be on some back of beyond dust world waiting for the next yearly transport. I think if he were dead I would have heard about it."  
  
I couldn't decide if that made me feel better or not. "Thank you sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you."  
  
He smiled warmly. "Not at all, my dear. I'm always here for you. Just as I said the day of the funeral." He reached over and cut the connection.  
  
Cameron, where are you? Miranda was probably right. He was no doubt stuck on some god awful planet waiting to be picked up. Just don't be dead too, Cameron, I thought somewhat desperately. I really didn't think I could survive it.  
  
************************  
  
The first half of the term sped by. We studied. We met up with friends at parties or at cadet hangouts like Sekhmet. I spent time with my grandparents, and I especially enjoyed just sitting and talking with Amanda. She had led such an interesting life. Now that I knew Sarek better, it was clear to me what a deep and abiding affection he bore his wife. And he seemed to be growing rather fond of me as well.  
  
"Valeris, you look well. The Academy obviously agrees with you."  
  
"Oh, it does, Sir. I find it a challenge to constantly strive to knock my roommate off the number one slot. But I have not done it yet."  
  
"It is hard for Vulcans. That you are in second place is nothing short of extraordinary. Your ability to adapt does you credit."  
  
I wondered if he would believe that if he knew the truth.  
  
My relationship with Spock was fortunately disrupted by his frequent absences. Just as he would get comfortable enough to touch me or start to speak of his feelings he would be called away again, I assumed to Kronos but he never said.  
  
******************  
  
For my 21st (15th to me) birthday Cassie organized a party in one of the private rooms at Sekhmet. I was amazed to see how many good friends I had made in such a short time. One of them, Tom Cranston, stood up to offer a toast.  
  
"A long time ago a person's 21st birthday was a time for much revelry and drunkenness." Hoots and hollers met his words. He winked at me. "As you can see, nothing has changed. I give you the woman of the hour, our Valeris. Her brains are matched only by her beauty and her gentle spirit."  
  
"Oh for god's sake just shut up and kiss her," someone yelled.  
  
He walked up to me. "I know you are a Vulcan and I shouldn't do this. But it is tradition." He leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. "Happy Birthday, Valeris."  
  
I did not react I was too shocked. As he was pulling away our eyes met and I saw in his earnest longing and a gentle affection.  
  
"I wish I wasn't shipping out this summer, Valeris." he whispered. "I'd really like to know you better."  
  
"Some things just aren't meant to be, Tom," I said gently. I realized as I said it that I actually felt regret.  
  
**********************  
  
The school year wound down and before I knew it we were all preparing for our final training cruise. As I had known I would be, I was assigned to the Endymion. Spock refrained from comment but I could tell he was pleased with the posting, although I suspected he would have preferred to see me on a starship.  
  
"A destroyer is an excellent learning ground for you, Valeris. You will have many diverse opportunities."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
He looked at the crew manifest. "Did you not serve with Lt. Colonel West on the Baltimore?"  
  
"Yes sir. Colonel West was the CO."  
  
Spock looked momentarily concerned. "You would tell me if there were a reason that you are serving with him again, wouldn't you?"  
  
Not you too, I thought. In a clipped tone, I said, "I respect his command abilities and trust his judgment implicitly. But he is not my *sugar daddy* if that is what you are implying, Sir."  
  
Spock was taken aback. "I am not sure that I meant precisely that. But I am gratified to know it is not the case."  
  
******************  
  
I was amazed at how happy I was to meet up with some of my old marine friends again. And seeing West waiting for me to arrive on the marine deck made me feel safer. Just having him near was a comfort. Seeing Sandeau waiting next to him nearly spoiled my little homecoming.  
  
"Cadet, Valeris. Welcome aboard. Sandeau, will show you to your quarters. Then come to my office at 0900. We have much to discuss about your training."  
  
"Yes, Sir." I followed my old nemesis out.  
  
"How have you been, ma'am?"  
  
I turned to look at him. As I suspected he did not look as if he particularly cared. But his protocol was impeccable. He had dropped the "Sir" of the marine ship and now referred to me in the more common way of the naval-based Starfleet. I decided I preferred "Sir."  
  
"Well enough, Sandeau. Although I know that you don't really care one way or the other. So let's cut the social chit chat, ok. Just show me to my quarters."  
  
He pulled me into a small corridor, pushed me up against the wall, he had one hand against my throat while the other held my right arm. His body pushed against me, holding the other arm down. "Don't think I've forgotten what you did to me, Valeris. And I don't see any knife this time. His grip on my throat tightened. I found it difficult to breathe.  
  
"I don't need," I took a deep breath and smashed my head into his. "any damn knife" I slammed into him again, "to take care of space garbage" again my head made contact with his, "like you."  
  
He fell like a stone at my feet.  
  
I walked to the comm box. "Cadet Valeris to sickbay."  
  
"Go ahead, cadet."  
  
"I believe yeoman Sandeau needs medical assistance. And could you bring some analgesic. I have a splitting headache."  
  
"Where are you, Cadet?"  
  
I looked around for a marker. "Deck 4, sector D2."  
  
"We'll be right there."  
  
Good, I thought to myself. And make it quick before my head explodes. I returned to where Sandeau was lying. I sank down next to him. Moans from his direction told me he was waking up. The man must have an iron skull, I mused. I briefly contemplated punching him to put him back out, but did not relish explaining a headache and a broken hand. So I watched dispassionately as he came around.  
  
"Oh, man," he groaned loudly. "You are such a damn bitch."  
  
"And perhaps next time you will remember that. I let you live because we are all working together here. But if you touch me again, I swear I'll kill you. Do you understand me?"  
  
Hatred vied with fear for dominion, fear finally won out. "I understand you perfectly, ma'am."  
  
*************************  
  
Despite my little altercation with Sandeau I managed to make it on time to West's office. After I rang the chime, the door opened and he motioned me in from where he sat at his desk still in conversation with someone on the comm unit. I busied myself with looking at the pictures that covered his walls. Some showed him as a young man at the Academy, others were informal shots with crewmembers. There were no family pictures. Commendations were scattered among the holo-stills. "Major Jackson West, for service above and beyond the call of duty." "For uncommon valor." "For sustaining personal injury." "Outstanding marine CO, Lt. Colonel Jackson West."  
  
"Where is Sandeau?"  
  
I turned away from the wall and sat in the chair across from his desk. "It was the strangest thing, Sir. A bizarre corridor accident. Severe head trauma but he'll be fine."  
  
West looked at me sternly, "Do I want to know about this?"  
  
"Probably not. I believe Sandeau and I have reestablished our understanding."  
  
He seemed to accept that. "Good. Then we won't speak of it again." He handed over some printouts. "This is your schedule for the summer. It is quite ambitious as you can see. I intend for you to learn as much as possible."  
  
I scanned the list as he spoke; it was indeed packed full. Two weeks in engineering learning propulsion systems, two weeks in computer science getting to know the sensor and navigational programming, two weeks at helm, two weeks in stellar cartography, two weeks in security, then three weeks again at helm. "I understand how most of this relates to being a pilot. But cartography? Security?"  
  
He smiled at me. "The cartography department has just taken delivery of a new remote sensing device. It should allow them to chart inside a nebula and other difficult phenomena. It should be very interesting. You may not always want to be a pilot, Varleris. It is a good idea to gain exposure to other areas."  
  
"But security, Sir?"  
  
"In the future, for the cause, it may be necessary to have you involved in that. I want you to know how it operates, how things really work on a vessel this size. It should be eye opening. It will also make you a better officer. And I want to make you the best officer I can."  
  
"Why, Sir? Why have you taken such an interest in me?"  
  
He busied himself with some papers. "I've told you before, Valeris, you have excellent potential. It only makes sense to encourage you."  
  
I found I could not let it rest. "That does not explain why sometimes when you look at me you have such a sad expression on your face. Or why you are so protective of me."  
  
He did not look up. His voice was very soft. "I had a daughter. Looked a lot like you. Would have been about your age too."  
  
Would have been? "She died?"  
  
He looked up. His eyes were harsh." She was murdered. She and her mother were on their way to see my wife's parents on Sigmus IX. The ship they were on was hit by an ion storm. All navigational instruments were off line. Propulsion was failing. They drifted into the neutral zone. They were completely unarmed. The Klingons found them there. Gave them virtually no time to get out given the ship's condition. Fired on them as they were trying to make it back to Federation space. The ship had minimal shielding. Everyone was lost."  
  
We were silent for a long moment. Finally I spoke, very softly. "The Klingons killed my guardian, and the two women that had raised me as their own. Fired on them without provocation."  
  
His eyes gentled as he looked at me. "Is it any wonder that we hate Klingons, you and I?"  
  
I leaned forward. I knew my eyes were dangerous. "Tell me that we will make them pay, Colonel. That they will hurt for having taken away those we loved the most."  
  
His eyes gleamed as he said, "Oh we'll make them pay, Valeris. We will make them all pay."  
  
**********************  
  
I did not expect to enjoy my engineering assignment but I found it fascinating to learn the ins and outs of the main engines, the propulsion systems. I soaked up as much information as I could and quickly had the basic lessons they had intended for me to learn down pat. I stared to put in extra time. Commander Parks, the head of engineering, would often catch me boning up on some obscure feature of the ship.  
  
"Here," she said, handing me some blueprints. "Study these. And whatever you don't understand we'll talk about."  
  
I was in heaven. Late at night I would sit with her in the mess hall going over the ship's design. After a week there was little I didn't know about the Endymion.  
  
One night over coffee she handed me another blueprint, this time for the flagship of the fleet, a starship, the Enterprise. "I want you to compare the two. Tell me what the differences are and why you think they are there."  
  
I poured over the charts for the much larger ship. Noted every discrepancy I found and tried to speculate the reasons for it. Parks and I had many lively debates over those, for as it turned out she didn't know all the answers either.  
  
At the end of my tour she handed me copies of schematics. "To remember us by," she smiled. "You're getting a fantastic eval from me, Valeris. I hope you do as well in your other assignments."  
  
*******************  
  
I had expected to ace my stint in computer science. And I did indeed already know much of what they were trying to teach me. But I found out quickly that the section head did not like my *creative solutions* for some of the more sticky problems.  
  
"Hacking into a system is not the approved manner, Cadet Valeris." Lt. Kincaid was a tall, slender man, with no charisma and not a wit of humor. "You need to get to the systems through the front door. There has to be a trail so those that come after you can see what you've done. The way you do things, you could hide anything. Very disturbing."  
  
So for the next week and a half I pretended to enjoy programming but I put in no extra time and could hardly wait to get up to the bridge.  
  
*************  
  
"Warp 3, Mr. Valeris."  
  
As I moved the ship into warp, I replied, "Aye aye, Sir." I loved this. Piloting the Baltimore had been fun, but steering the Endymion was an awesome task. It was bigger, and heavier. Everything had to be more controlled, more thought out. This was no sleek little sports car, this was a tank.  
  
"Course, Sir?" Lt. Bakker at Navigation asked.  
  
Captain Rishov answered back, "The Mnemosyne Nubula. You'll be leaving us soon to go work with cartography on the project to map this part of space, right Valeris?"  
  
I swiveled in my chair, "Yes sir. I am looking forward to it."  
  
He smiled at me. "You probably are. I'd be bored stiff. Give me a big ship and let me sit on the bridge and I'll be happy forever."  
  
I knew my eyes were twinkling. "Well, Sir, I can say that I am looking forward to my eventual return to the helm even more."  
  
"Goes without saying, Cadet," he gave me a big grin. "Goes without saying."  
  
***********************************  
  
I was in the mess hall on a break from cartography. I had my head buried in some charts we had recently scanned from the nebula. West had been right, it was an unprecedented opportunity to take part in this exercise.  
  
"Valeris?"  
  
I looked up. It was Burke. "I didn't know you were on this ship? I haven't seen you with Sandeau."  
  
"Oh we're on different schedules right now, so I don't see much of him. But we're still friends if that is what you mean?"  
  
"Sit down, Burke, you're giving me a crick staring up at you."  
  
He slid into the booth. "Rick and I had a falling out for while. Over you."  
  
I stared at him in shock. "Over me?"  
  
He nodded. "Yeah. I kept telling him to leave you alone. But he just couldn't. Never seen him that obsessed before. Anyway, he got mad at me when I took up for you. Wouldn't talk to me for a week."  
  
"And that was a bad thing why?"  
  
He looked up and laughed. "Hey you're funny. I wish I knew you better, Valeris. I'm not like him, you know."  
  
"I know you're not. But you like to spend time with him so some part of you must resonate with what he does."  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know about that. He's always looked out for me. And included me. Whenever he's involved it's a good time. Things happen around him. Like girls and stuff. I never had much luck when I tried it alone."  
  
I suddenly felt very sad for this man. "John, I'm sorry. I don't dislike you, really. But nothing is going to happen between us. We all work for West. That's the extent of our relationship."  
  
He eased himself out of the booth. "OK. I just didn't want you to be mad at me because of what Rick tried in the corridor."  
  
"I'm not mad at you."  
  
He looked relieved. His next look was one of complete earnestness. "Good because I would die for you, Valeris. I really would."  
  
********************  
  
I was actually sorry to see my stint in cartography come to an end. I had learned so much and had a chance to be part of some groundbreaking research. It had been an exhilarating two weeks.  
  
West had laughed when I told him this. "Guess this old man knows more than you thought, eh?"  
  
I had given him a small smile back, "So it would appear, Sir."  
  
**************  
  
I reported to Lt. Commander Harris in Security. I was immediately assigned to help with an investigation into illegal use of the computers. I found the investigative process mesmerizing. Just when we would get close to the person that was using the onboard systems to run a gambling service the trail would go dead as the perpetrator rerouted to another channel. What made it so frustrating was that I knew I could catch the person if just allowed to go through the back door.  
  
Harris came in one day as we watched six hours work go cold as we again lost the trail. "I just had a most interesting conversation with Lt. Kincaid after staff meeting, Cadet. Why didn't you tell me you could hack?"  
  
"Sir, Lt. Kincaid clearly said it was not an approved method. He was quite firm."  
  
"Kincaid's an old stick in the mud. And in this office it is more than approved, it is recommended. Now if you have been holding back on us, I suggest you rectify that at once."  
  
"Yes sir." My hands were already rerouting some lines. I was inside the system yet in places that the normal programmers would never see. The lines of the gambling ring were quite clear from this vantage point. I followed them down to the source. "Put a trace on the subsystem ending at Ensign Reshal's room."  
  
Harris reached over to do that and we watched as the records starting dumping right into our laps. After about an hour of evidence collecting, Harris sent a team out to bring him in. I was allowed to sit through the questioning and subsequent confession.  
  
As I was leaving for the day, Harris looked over and gave me a look of approval. "Nice work, Valeris."  
  
"Thank you, Sir!"  
  
**************************  
  
"Helm, half right rudder might be advisable." Rishov's voice was calm.  
  
I felt decidedly less so. This was my first time piloting a ship to dock with a space station. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be something to hit.  
  
"You're doing fine, Valeris. Just take it slow." Bakker whispered.  
  
The ship touched with barely a bump. I felt an immeasurable surge of triumph. "Full stop, Sir. Docking clamps engaged. Thrusters off." I resisted the urge to slump in nervous exhaustion over my station.  
  
"Well done, Helm! First time and you didn't shear off an antenna or anything, I'm impressed!" Rishov laughed, "You should have seen my first docking attempt. They had no holovids for a week. I was not a popular person on that station I can tell you!"  
  
I gave him a half smile. "I am fortunate then."  
  
His expression became serious, "Not a damn bit of luck involved, Valeris. You are a skilled pilot and that is all there is to it. Now I believe we all have some shore leave coming as soon as our replacements get here. First round of drinks are on me."  
  
***********************  
  
I could not believe my training cruise was over already. It was my last day at the helm. Captain Rishov walked over and handed me a going away gift. It was a small model of the Endymion.  
  
He grinned at my expression. "Didn't want you to forget about us, Valeris." His expression became more serious, "We're up for some crew rotations next summer. Helm is one of them. If you want it, the job's yours."  
  
"Sir?" I couldn't believe my ears.  
  
"I'm serious, you just say the word and I'll tell fleet I want you driving this ship."  
  
I nearly laughed out loud. "Oh yes sir. The word is given, Sir!"  
  
He turned back to his chair with a satisfied smile. "Then considered yourself employed, Cadet."  
  
As soon as my shift was over I hurried to West's office. He was alone and I rushed in.  
  
He took in my flushed appearance and rose quickly from his chair, "Valeris? Are you all right? Did Sandeau do something."  
  
I couldn't help it. I laughed. His eyes widened at the sound. "I get to come back here, Sir! The helm position is mine when I graduate. And we can serve together!"  
  
His face burst into a huge smile. "That's great! I knew you'd do well here. I could not be prouder of you!"  
  
He reached into his credenza and pulled out a blue bottle.  
  
My eyebrows nearly hit my scalp. "Romulan ale, Sir?"  
  
"Never know when it might ease a tense situation. You'll find it on any ship containing a marine contingent."  
  
I looked doubtfully at the bottle, "I don't know sir?"  
  
He took a big drink from his glass. "Don't be silly, Valeris. Time to celebrate!"  
  
****************  
  
The next morning I could barely raise my head off the pillow. "Oh my god, did I get in a fight with someone?" Everything was too loud, my head ached, my tongue was covered with fuzz, and then my stomach started to cramp, "Did I eat something spoiled."  
  
Two hours later I called West and told him I thought I was dying of some terrible disease. He laughed at me and said he would bring over some anti- tox. I nearly gagged getting it down, but a few hours after I took it I felt completely recovered. I had to hurry to pack my bags and say my good- byes before the ship rendezvoused with the shuttle that would carry me and four other cadets back to Earth. I was sorry to say goodbye to my shipmates, but in this case the normal bittersweet pain of bidding new friends farewell was tempered by the knowledge that I would be back with most of them as soon as I graduated.  
  
West was waiting for me at the departure area, just as he had been there when I arrived. This time he did not bring Sandeau.  
  
"Goodbye, Sir."  
  
His eyes were moist. "Goodbye, my dear. Do well in your classes. And be careful on the final scenario exam. They love to throw in a curve." He looked around and seeing no one in the vicinity threw his arms around me and gave me quick hug. "I'll miss you, Valeris."  
  
I gave him a full sad smile and hugged him back. "I'll miss you too, Sir."  
  
*****************************  
  
I was one of the last cadets to arrive back at the Academy so there were no worries about where to spend break. I had one day to relax and unpack and then classes started back up. Cassie and I caught up in many late night talking sessions. She had loved her training experience and had served on a large science vessel, working on one project the entire time. She was amazed that I had rotated to so many departments. I was glad I had been given such a diverse opportunity.  
  
When we had finished our junior year Cassie had again been in the lead for number one. But that changed quickly in our senior year. It was the ship's systems class that did it. Cassie had been on a ship as big as the Endymion but she had not spent any time getting to know the parts of it that she did not use on a daily basis. I had the advantage of those conversations with Commander Parks, and I really did know a destroyer inside out. Most of the smaller ships were modeled on that type of ship. Starships were tougher but I had studied the Enterprise so I had a much more solid grounding than most of my classmates. I barely studied for the tests while Cassie struggled through the blueprints. I knew that the cold drawings meant little without being able to walk the corridors, tubes, or rooms you were studying. By the time we finished the term I was ahead for the first time.  
  
I was so busy with school the first half of my last year that I rarely had time to visit Sarek and Amanda. They were often back on Vulcan, or at least she was. I suspected that Sarek was on Kronos with his son.  
  
I was relieved to not have to deal with my father. It had become more uncomfortable being around me. His feelings were unmistakable, I wondered that I had ever not realized what he wanted from me. When I actually thought about him I would often find myself disappointed that things had turned out as they had. I sometimes wondered how they might be different now if I had just come out as his daughter right after my mother died. But I knew that at the time I had truly felt that this was the only way. I could not change things. If I told him the truth now he would never forgive me for letting him carry on in such an inappropriate way with his own child.  
  
To be honest I was only mildly fond of my father. I had expected to either love him or hate him. I had not expected this lukewarm affection I held toward him. I was never completely comfortable with him, but at the same time I could often enjoy his company. Since West had let me off the hook with the spy business I had avoided spending too much time with Spock, and had never repeated my flirtatious behavior. I don't know if Spock noticed; he was so frequently off world working with the Klingon diplomats.  
  
During the term break I went back to Albuquerque with Cassie. Her family again welcomed me in as one of their own. I appreciated it, as I had no one left to call family. I had contacted Cassius Miranda as soon as I got back to Earth but he still had not heard from or about Cameron. Just give him up, I thought harshly to myself. Give him up and accept that your past is dead. It was a hard pill to swallow.  
  
****************  
  
Our final term at the Academy was packed with tests of all kinds. We were given full batteries of psych and medical assessments. I had to ask Miranda to find me a doctor that could do the kind of tests necessary without reporting back on my mixed heritage. Only my Valkyrian history kept me out of Starfleet medical.  
  
We also had to run scenario after scenario. Some of the tests were impossible to win, like the old Kobayashi Maru, others were used to evaluate integrity, innovation, initiative, judgment, and courage. I did well on them all as did Cassie. We were pretty much assured of the best assignments if we finished one and two so we kept the pressure on each other.  
  
Academic finals were rigorous and when they were finally over we celebrated with a huge dinner at Sekhmet with all our closest classmates.  
  
"To finally being done," one of them said, raising his glass of beer.  
  
"Here, here!" was the resounding reply.  
  
We all discussed our first assignments. There were a lot of jealous looks that I would be piloting a ship as big as the Endymion. Cassie too garnered envy when she announced she had been assigned to the Science vessel Kaplan.  
  
"Guess it pays to finish one and two," someone noted sardonically.  
  
We smiled at each other, we still had not seen our final standing but we knew that there was no way we would not finish in the top two, we were just not sure which of use would grab the top honor.  
  
"It really doesn't matter to me, Valeris." Cassie said that night when we returned to our dorm room. "As long as I lose to you I'll be ok with that."  
  
I gave her one of my rare smiles. "I feel the same way, Cassie. We both did great." I started to pack up some of my things. I was startled to hear sobs coming from her side of the room.  
  
"Cassie? What's wrong?"  
  
She just cried harder. I sat next to her and tentatively put my arms around her. "Shhh. Shhh. What's wrong, Cassie? Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"It's silly."  
  
"Just tell me."  
  
She sat up and pulled a tissue out of the box. "It's just that we've been working so hard for this moment. And now it is here. And I am so sad. Like I feel this enormous let down and you're going away and so am I and everything will be different and we'll never get this back and I'm just so confused."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her words. "I know. But we'll always be friends, Cassie. Nothing can change that."  
  
"Promise?" she smiled at the childish sound of her word.  
  
"Promise. Friends forever?"  
  
She nodded, "Forever and ever."  
  
**********************  
  
The speeches were interminable at our graduation. We listened to speaker after speaker exhort us to do our best, to rise to any challenge, to give 110 percent. We were all too excited to start our careers to be able to sit through the several hours of talking heads without fidgeting. Cassie and I sat together in our new dress uniforms. We stood to take the oath and finally it was over. We were no longer cadets. I turned to Cassie.  
  
"May I be the first to wish you good afternoon, Ensign Drake?"  
  
She grinned, "Indeed you may. And may I return the favor, Ensign Valeris?"  
  
"You may."  
  
We were both silent then. Her family was waiting for me. I had no one in the audience, my adopted Vulcan family being away again. This was the moment we both dreaded.  
  
Don't cry, I admonished myself. Do not cry.  
  
"Let's make this quick," Cassie said as her eyes began to well. "I promise to write whenever I can."  
  
"Me too."  
  
She stood awkwardly; I knew she wanted to hug me but was afraid of insulting me. Finally I just held my arms open and she wrapped herself around me fiercely.  
  
"Oh Valeris, I'm going to miss you so much!"  
  
"And I will miss you, my dearest friend."  
  
In an unspoken accord we both turned and went our separate ways. As I walked down the aisle to exit quietly, a familiar voice rang out from behind me. "Well, *Ensign* Valeris, I see you managed to graduate number one after all."  
  
I spun and had to fight a huge smile as I saw Lt. Colonel, no wait, full Colonel West standing in front of me. "Sir! You've been promoted, congratulations!"  
  
He looked pleased. "Yes, guess my number came up. But what about you, young lady, how did you manage to pull the first place from your friend?"  
  
"It was all due to you, Sir. You and your rotations." As I gave him a sheepish look he grinned. "Knowing so much about the ship helped me ace the ship's systems classes. That was the only thing that pulled me out in front."  
  
"Well I'm glad I could be of service."  
  
"I'm glad you came, Sir."  
  
"Miss your graduation? Not on your life!" He straightened the bar on my uniform regalia that indicated I had graduated at the top of my class. "I'm leaving for the Endymion tomorrow, Valeris, if you want to accompany me?"  
  
I nodded and let eyes dance with happiness. "That would be great."  
  
"What are you doing tonight? Some celebration party?"  
  
I tried to keep my face expressionless. "No. I'm just going to take it easy."  
  
He studied me. "No. No, you're not. I'm going to take you to the best damn restaurant in this city and we are going to celebrate!"  
  
"Sir, you don't have to."  
  
"Better shut up, Ensign, before you make me very mad. If I say we're going to celebrate, then we are going to celebrate!"  
  
I allowed myself a smile. "All right then. But no Romulan ale this time."  
  
He snorted in disgust at my suggestion. "Of course no Romulan ale. We're going to do this right. Champagne is what we are going to drink far too much of tonight."  
  
"Then we are stopping at the pharmacy first. I want to make sure I have the anti-tox before I wake up feeling like I was run over by a shuttlecraft."  
  
"You're getting the hang of this, Valeris. You are really getting the hang of this."  
  
**************************  
  
As I sat at the helm of the Endymion I realized that I had never been happier in my life, at least not since my mother died. The job was so satisfying, the crew I served with so professional, the Captain so encouraging that I quickly acclimated to full time life aboard ship.  
  
And of course I had Colonel West as a mentor and friend. We often spent time together. Some of the marines from the Baltimore had also found their way to the destroyer so I often attended their parties. It made me the envy and curiosity of my regular fleet friends. Marines were notoriously clannish, but they adopted me as one of their own and I was always welcome in their lounge. It didn't hurt that my 9-ball game was as good, if not better, than any of theirs. I was always being challenged and racked up quite a few credits over the months I had been onboard.  
  
There were times that piloting was not so exciting. There was little to do when I was not actively steering. I had several programs I ran in the down times, trying to figure out the most efficient trajectory for various voyages. It was a way of testing myself and keeping sharp when things got boring.  
  
But things were not boring today. We had just entered the neutral zone on a rescue mission of a private transport ship that had broken down and was drifting dangerously close to Klingon Space. We had beamed some repair crews over to help get their engines back on line after it had been decided that towing them out would put too great a strain on our engines.  
  
"Captain," I spoke as I watched two Klingon Birds of Prey appear on the sensors. As others on the bridge crew went about opening hailing frequencies and raising shields, I began to scan for any anomalous readings. I found two.  
  
I turned to Rishov who was busy with a belligerent Klingon commander. "This is a rescue mission, repeat a rescue mission. We do not intend to engage with you."  
  
The Klingon was undeterred. "You have one minute to leave our territory or you will be fired upon."  
  
I scanned the freighter. It was full of dilithium. No wonder they wanted it.  
  
I caught Rishov's attention, indicating by hand signal that I needed to tell him something offline. A sign from him and the communications officer began to fill the channel with interference.  
  
"This is Endymion. We are setting to new channel. Please stand by," he nodded to Rishov that we were clear.  
  
The captain turned to me, "What did you find?"  
  
"I think there are two more ships, cloaked, both approaching from behind the other two. They'll have us surrounded if we don't do something."  
  
Rishov walked over to my readings. "Damn them. This is just a rescue mission."  
  
"It's a dilithium freighter sir, fully loaded. The Klingons have so few sources of their own. They may think taking us on is worth the risk for a prize this big."  
  
Rishov frowned then reached over to the comm unit on my console. "Engineering, I know you said no tractor beam. But if it were that or a being in a major conflict?"  
  
Park's voice came back instantly. "Understood, Sir. I'm diverting power to all non-essential systems. Tractor at my mark. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Mark!"  
  
"Go, Valeris." He said, then ordered the computer to go to Red Alert.  
  
I had already punched in the coordinates that would allow us to accelerate smartly without ripping the towed freighter apart. In seconds we were out of the neutral zone. The Klingons followed us into Federation space.  
  
I did some quick calculations. "We're not going to outrun them at this speed, Sir. But at Warp 6 I could."  
  
Rishov was back on the comm, "Parks, we need Warp 6."  
  
There was silence for a second then her voice came across. "Ok, but that means life support will be affected."  
  
"Do it."  
  
Parks' voice was calm. "Keep talking to a minimum, and don't move around. You've got the extra power, Valeris.now!"  
  
I urged the ship into the higher warp. When we hit warp 6 we began to outdistance the Klingon ships. But the air was getting thinner and thinner as the ship's energy went into dragging the heavy freighter behind us at such a high speed. The bridge was uncomfortably hot and stuffy. "Just a few more minutes," I encouraged the rest of the bridge. I watched as the Klingons finally veered off course and headed back to the Neutral Zone. I searched the sensors for any sign of the cloaked ships but they appeared to have broken away as well. "One more minute." I called down to Engineering, "Ready to restore ships functions at my mark."  
  
"Roger," was Park's breathless reply.  
  
"3, 2, 1 Mark." I slowed the Endymion as Parks cut back on the systems. Cool air began to flood the bridge. I found myself gulping it in gratefully.  
  
The rest of the crew went into action.  
  
Lt. Bakker smiled at me and said softly. "No sign of them. Way to go, Valeris."  
  
The comms officer reported that all hands on the freighter were a bit shaken up but fine.  
  
Rishov smiled at me, "Why do I think you purposely saved doing something this spectacular for the day before the ensign promotion panel?"  
  
"Pure coincidence, Sir." I gave him my smile expression. I had perfected it in the last months. I let my eyes dance and allowed the corners of my mouth to turn up ever so slightly. I had found my crewmates reacted to it as if I had let loose a big belly laugh. And it allowed me some relief from the constant fight to be the stoic Vulcan.  
  
"Well whatever it was, Ensign, it was damn fine work!"  
  
***********************  
  
I sat in West's office. We were both off work and we had kicked back with some tequila. I was becoming quite the adventurer when it came to alcohol. I often teased him that he was a very bad influence. He would retort that it was all my fault. If I would quit giving him reasons to celebrate we wouldn't have to drink.  
  
He kicked back another shot. We both had injections of detox waiting that would make sure we were instantly sober in case of an emergency. If none arose we would take antitox before bed and let the buzz wear off more naturally.  
  
"Well, Lieutenant Valeris, you got your promotion in record time. My hat is off to you."  
  
I drained my glass. "Sir, you don't wear a hat."  
  
We both laughed at that. I had given up all pretense with him. He had never asked me about my emotionalism but he knew of my Valkyrian history and probably thought my ability to show my feelings was because of that.  
  
"You know," he poured us both another shot. "I think it is high time that you quit calling me Sir in private."  
  
"What should I call you?"  
  
"Well how about my name? Try it out, see if it rolls off your tongue."  
  
"Jackson," I said tentatively.  
  
He slammed down his drink. "Yeah, that sounds good." He looked at me shyly, "So will you? Nobody here ever calls me anything but Colonel West, or Sir, or that old bastard."  
  
We both laughed again. "I'll call you Jackson if it would make you happy."  
  
"Good." He refilled his glass. "Valeris.you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Brought me back to life." He slouched in his chair. "I know you're someone else's daughter but I think of you as my own."  
  
I looked at him affectionately. "I'd be so proud to be your daughter, Sir."  
  
His eyes were slightly teary but he shook his finger at me sternly. "What did we just agree?"  
  
I rolled my eyes in pretend irritation. "I'd be so proud to be your daughter, Jackson."  
  
"That's better." He poured us each another. "To us, my dear. A finer team there never was!"  
  
"Damn straight," I smiled as we both threw back the fiery liquid.  
  
************************  
  
I stood alone at the departure lounge at Starbase 15 waiting for my shuttle to begin boarding. I had beamed down two days ago and had killed time here waiting to get back to Earth. Rishov had been sorry to see me go but understood my desire to get the coveted helm position on the Enterprise. He did not realize that I would have preferred to stay on the Endymion where I was happy. But the cause had called and I had answered.  
  
West had left a month before, but his tour was up so that was not unusual. I would catch up with him during the briefing period on Earth before I reported to Enterprise. Sandeau and Burke would also be on the Enterprise, but detached to security. Something big was happening and we would be a part of it.  
  
As the shuttle crew announced boarding I chose a seat in the back and thought of what could possibly be going on. West had instructed me to volunteer for the Enterprise. The admiral had no doubt greased the skids for me, although my record alone might have been enough to get me on. I bit back the sadness I felt at leaving behind the bridge crew on Endymion. Maybe when this was all over I could arrange to get back there. I drew comfort from that thought.  
  
The trip home was uneventful and I was soon back in San Francisco. I stayed with West at his sister's apartment. I purposely did not contact Spock or his family. I would be on Earth such a short time I should be able to get up to the Enterprise without seeing him.  
  
I was surprised when I heard at the briefing the next day that not only would I have to see Spock but I would also be serving with him on the Enterprise.  
  
Cartwright looked at me sternly, "Do you have a problem with that, Lieutenant?"  
  
I held my head up, "No problem, Sir."  
  
"Good. Then lets get started. I want to play you something. This is why we are having Jim Kirk lead this mission."  
  
Over the speakers a conversation began. The first voice I did not recognize.  
  
"They're animals."  
  
"Jim, there is an historic opportunity here," I instantly recognized my father's low voice and his disapproving tone.  
  
So this was Kirk. "Don't believe them. Don't trust them." I sympathized with him.  
  
"They are dying."  
  
"Let them die."  
  
Cartwright turned off the recording. "Kirk lost his only son to the Klingons. Cold blooded murder. He hates them as much as any of us. He won't like what is going to happen on his ship but he won't stand in the way of the inevitable. He doesn't want this peace. In the end we can count on that."  
  
Ambassador Nanclus turned to me, "Do you understand your part in all this?"  
  
I nodded. "Perfectly, Sir. It is an ingenious plan."  
  
West interjected, "Valeris will have no problem with the computer or with keeping Kirk and Spock off balance when it comes to finding out what happened."  
  
I looked up from the operations plan I had memorized. "I don't understand how you got General Chang involved?"  
  
Nanclus shrugged, "It was a stroke of pure luck. We can count on his help."  
  
"He would betray his own people?"  
  
Cartwright looked at me sternly. "That's what people will assume we are doing if this thing goes south."  
  
"But we are saving the Federation, Admiral. Surely anyone can understand that?"  
  
He looked grim, "I wish that were so, Lieutenant. I really do."  
  
**************************  
  
The next day as I prepared to leave the house for transport up to spacedock, West pulled me into the study. "I wanted to talk to you before you left. Be careful, Valeris. Be very careful."  
  
"I will."  
  
He took a deep breath then said, "If things go wrong, if it looks like you might get caught, I want you to get rid of Sandeau and Burke. It will be much harder to pin anything on you if the others are dead."  
  
"Kill our own people?"  
  
His hand reached out and stroked my hair. "They're good men but they're not you. Nothing must happen to you. If it's a choice then you are under orders to make sure you survive. Do you understand?"  
  
I leaned into his hand. His touch on my hair was comforting. "I understand, Jackson."  
  
He pulled me into a quick hug. I felt his lips on my forehead. "Good luck, Valeris. Remember what we are doing now will resonate into the future."  
  
I leaned up and kissed his cheek. "I will see you when I get back."  
  
******************  
  
Being on the Enterprise was more exciting than I expected. The ship practically hummed with power, even at a full stop in Space Dock. I could not imagine what piloting her would be like. I took my blueprints with me as I prowled the corridors and tubes getting to know the ship. I also found time to lay in the computer programs and routines that I would need to override the existing data when our operation began.  
  
Sandeau and Burke were already onboard. Sandeau only glared as he saluted me but I saw the same adoring expression on Burke's face. I sighed as I realized the man would never get over his crush on me. In private we discussed our mission, going over every possible thing that could go wrong and how to recover. By the time the rest of the bridge crew arrived we were ready.  
  
***************************  
  
I was sitting in the captain's chair when Kirk and the rest of the bridge crew arrived. I saw the door open out of the corner of my eye, heard the captain's voice, and sprang to my feet. " Captain on the bridge"  
  
Kirk stopped and looked over bridge. Spock, Commanders Uhura and Chekov, and Dr. McCoy were also with him. The captain turned to me, "As you were, Lieutenant.?"  
  
"Valeris, Sir. I was told that you needed a helmsman. So I volunteered."  
  
Spock's voice was pleased; he had perhaps not expected me to be here. "Lieutenant, it is agreeable to see you again." He turned to Kirk. "The lieutenant was the first Vulcan to be graduated at the top of her class at the Academy."  
  
Kirk turned to me. "You must be very proud."  
  
I gave him my best Vulcan detachment. "I don't believe so, Sir."  
  
The doctor chimed in. "She's a Vulcan alright." His tone was mocking. I decided I didn't like him. I also wondered why he was on the bridge. The medical staff on Endymion did not as a rule lounge around the operations center.  
  
Kirk wasted no more time with pleasantries. I took my seat at the helm at his next orders. "Let's get this over with. Departure stations."  
  
There was the usual controlled chaos on the bridge as we prepared to get underway. Calls to engineering and spacedock control. Finally we had permission to depart."  
  
I started the process, "Clear all moorings."  
  
Kirk's voice sounded like a little boy trying to stay calm, "Waiting port gates this mark."  
  
I confirmed status. "Aft thrusters."  
  
His next order was unexpected. "Thank you, Lieutenant. One-quarter impulse power."  
  
I swiveled in the chair to face him "Captain, may I remind you that regulations specify thrusters only while in space dock."  
  
I saw Uhura shake her head. She clucked her tongue. Spock cleared his throat. I looked over at him confused. What had I said that was so wrong?  
  
McCoy leaned over to the captain, "Jim."  
  
Kirk gave me a devilish and at the same time put-upon grin, "You heard the order, Lieutenant."  
  
"Aye sir," I turned back and commenced leaving spacedock at far too fast a speed. It was one of the most daring things I had ever done. I started appreciating this man who had been the great friend of my father's life.  
  
*******************  
  
I stood outside Kirk's cabin. The recorder I wore was capturing everything he said as he hung his bags up. The largest satchel had been left in the door, preventing it from closing. I had come to relay a message but his diatribe was too useful to pass up.  
  
"I've never trusted Klingons and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy. Spock says this could be an historic occasion, and I'd like to believe him, but how on Earth can history get past people like me."  
  
I turned off the recorder and cleared my throat. "Sorry."  
  
He seemed irritated. "You could have knocked."  
  
On what, I wondered? "We are almost at the rendezvous, Sir. I thought that you would like to know." I reached down and picked up the suitcase. The door closed behind me I placed the bag on the chair. "Permission to speak freely, Sir? It is an honor to serve with you."  
  
He picked up the bag and threw it onto the bed. "You piloted well out of space dock, Lieutenant."  
  
I knew he could tell I was fighting a grin, "I've always wanted to try that, Sir."  
  
He laughed. "What would Captain Spock say to that?"  
  
"I won't tell him if you won't."  
  
He laughed again. "You've got yourself a deal, Lieutenant. Now get out of here and let me unpack."  
  
"Yes, Sir." I headed for the door.  
  
"Oh Lieutenant. Since you are on this floor why don't you go tell Spock that we are almost there."  
  
My heart sank. I had hoped to put off this meeting. "Of course, Sir."  
  
*****************  
  
I stood outside Kirk's quarters. Spock's door was just down the hall. I did not want to do this. I reached for the chain I had worn since my first year in the Academy. Unclasping it I took my grandmother's ring off and slid it onto my finger. It gleamed as if to give me strength. I put the chain back around my neck and moved to my father's quarters. I rang the chime.  
  
"Come."  
  
I walked in. Spock looked up from meditating. "Valeris."  
  
"I am disturbing your contemplation, Sir. I came only to tell you we are almost at the rendezvous site." I turned to leave.  
  
"Stay." He rose. He had removed his uniform, which was folded neatly on his bed. The black robe he wore was detailed with rich embroidery. He moved to the bureau and lit a candle. Reaching for an elaborate glass cup he began to prepare M'lak ta, a Vulcan ritual beverage.  
  
I did not want to watch the deep precision he would no doubt give to the mixing of the drink. I moved to study his painting, a new one. It looked like a Chagall.  
  
"You've done well, Valeris. As your sponsor at the Academy I have followed your career with satisfaction. And as a Vulcan you've exceeded my expectation."  
  
I did not turn around, nor did I acknowledge his praise. I changed the subject. "I do not understand this representation."  
  
"It is a depiction from ancient Earth mythology, the expulsion from paradise."  
  
Interesting theme for him to pick. "Why keep it in your quarters?"  
  
"It is a reminder to me that all things end."  
  
I felt the old anger fill me. I wanted to yell at him, "Like your marriage to my mother ended?" But I did not. I heard him continue to mix the elaborate drink. Suddenly I didn't want to be angry at this man anymore. I just wanted to enjoy him. I wanted to stop being afraid around him. I wanted to scream the truth at him. Maybe if I started with something small, or at least smaller. I turned to him, moved closer. "It is of endings that I wish to speak. Sir, I address you as a kindred intellect. Do you not recognize that a turning point has been reached in the affairs of the Federation."  
  
"Hmm, history is replete with turning points, Lieutenant. You must have faith." He turned to face me.  
  
"Faith?" This was going nowhere fast.  
  
"That the universe will unfold as it should."  
  
I looked at him, I hoped my face did not betray my disbelief. The universe had never unfolded the way I thought it should. "But is that logical, surely."  
  
"Logic, logic, and logic. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, Valeris, not the end."  
  
Now I truly did not understand him. Or perhaps I understood him too well. A shudder traveled down my spine. Do not let this mean what I think it does.  
  
He handed me the cup. "This will be my final voyage on board this vessel as a member of her crew. Nature abhors a vacuum. I intend you to replace me."  
  
I stood shocked. Too stunned probably for any of it to show on my face. Replace him? As what? For Science Officer I was not qualified. For first officer I did not have enough experience. What did he mean? What could he have planned? Did he plan on grooming me, shaping me, taking away my choices to make me like himself. He waited for an answer. I gave him an honest one. "I could only succeed you, Sir."  
  
I was afraid that I would gag on the M'lak ta. I lifted the cup to my lips but did not drink.  
  
The ship wide announcement sounded, ""Now here this, all officers to the bridge. Klingon battlecruiser off the port bow, all officers to the bridge."  
  
I breathed a huge sigh of relief. This meeting was over. I handed the cup back to him and watched horrified as he drank from it. We stared at each other for a moment. His face dark with emotion. Mine forced into immovability as I fought my urge to scream.  
  
"I will wait for you at the lift."  
  
"There is no need to go." I was afraid for a moment he would change in front of me but he collected his uniform and headed to the bathroom.  
  
I toyed with the ring on my finger. I should put it back on its chain but I found I could not bear to. I would wear it in full view. I needed the strength it would give me.  
  
***************************  
  
Spock and I arrived on the bridge in time to see the battlecruiser looming over us on the viewer. I was as stunned as the rest when Kirk invited the Klingons aboard to dine. This was not one of the scenarios we had practiced for. I thought quickly. Pictures of West and I drinking into the night came to me. This could work even better than expected. So it was I that suggested serving the Romulan ale.  
  
And I was in the transporter room, hidden in a side room, when the Klingon Chancellor and his party beamed aboard. Sandeau and Burke were on guard duty. Sandeau had to pipe the Klingons aboard. Must have made him slightly sick to give them such an honor. I watched from the shadows as introductions were made. Then they were gone and my men were walking toward me.  
  
Burke remarked, "They all look alike." Bless his heart he probably meant that honestly.  
  
Sandeau of course had a smart retort. "What about that smell? You know only the top of the line models can even talk."  
  
They nearly walked into me. "You men have work?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am"  
  
"Then snap to it." I stood, pleased with how things were going. Everything was proceeding just as it should.  
  
****************************  
  
The attack had gone exactly as planned. Perfectly executed. Our ship's computers said we had fired, just as I had instructed them to. Chang's ship lay underneath us. I could see it in the sensors but I knew what to look for. Spock had almost come across it but then the firing began. Sandeau and Burke had done their job without a misstep. Gorkon was dead. And so was any chance for peace. We would have a small skirmish here and then we would return to the quadrant. A terrible misunderstanding, nothing more.  
  
I watched as Change came on the video screen. Just as we had arranged. His acting skills were amazing. But not so surprising for a man so in love with Shakespeare. "Have you not a shred of decency in you, Kirk? We come in peace and you blatantly defile that peace. For that I shall blow you out of the stars."  
  
I saw the ship move into position, "Captain, they're coming about."  
  
He did nothing.  
  
Spock warned, "They're preparing to fire."  
  
Still he did nothing.  
  
Chekov sounded unsure. "Shields up, Captain?"  
  
Nothing. Where was the Kirk that hated Klingons? The Kirk that had never lost to them? I tried to shake him out of his immobility, "Captain, our shields?"  
  
Chekov pleaded, "Shields *up,* Captain?"  
  
Kirk finally moved. And he said the most terrible thing possible. "Signal our surrender."  
  
We all sat shocked. Uhura finally voiced our disbelief, "Captain?"  
  
He snapped at her, at us all. "We surrender."  
  
Suddenly something had gone very wrong with the plan. The man who would never want peace had just sacrificed us all for the sake of preserving it.  
  
*************************  
  
We sat helplessly as the Captain and Doctor McCoy beamed over. We did nothing except notify Starfleet command as the Klingons arrested them.  
  
I turned on Spock, who had taken command, "We cannot allow them to be taken back to Kronos as prisoners."  
  
He did not stop moving, "What do you suggest Lieutenant? Opening fire will not retrieve them and an armed conflict is precisely what the Captain wished to avoid. We *will* be able to follow the Captain's movements."  
  
I was perplexed. They would be deep in Klingon space with no way to track them unless we acted now. "How did you achieve this, Sir?"  
  
He was impatient with me, already he was working to save them, but in his own way, not mine, not the cause's. "Time is precious, Lieutenant. We must endeavor to piece together what happened here tonight."  
  
And from that moment on we were playing a game. A deadly game with lives at stake but a game nonetheless. Spock was the detective that wouldn't sleep. And I worked by his side. For the first time in our relationship I actually had fun being with him. It made no sense to me because he was in deadly earnest, but the chase was intoxicating. Especially when I knew that me and mine were the quarry. When Starfleet ordered us back to Earth I planted a seed in Uhura and Chekov's minds.  
  
"400 years ago on the planet Earth, workers who felt their livelihood threatened by automation flung their wooden shoes called Sabot into the machines to stop them."  
  
The expressions they exchanged implied they thought I had gone crazy. I continued, "Hence the word sabotage."  
  
They looked at me with new appreciation as they practiced excuses they would give Starfleet.  
  
*********************************  
  
I was watching the holovid on the bridge when the news came on. The headlines were astounding. I ran to tell Spock. I heard his voice in the torpedo storage area. He was telling Mr. Scott they would have to do a visual count. I needed to get down to them quickly. I saw the pole and wrapping my leg around it descended quickly, landing just as Spock walked up. "Gorkon's daughter has been named chancellor. It is on the news."  
  
Mr. Scott reacted viciously, "I bet that Klingon bitch killed her father."  
  
Spock was aghast. "Her own father?"  
  
I couldn't resist. "It is an old story, Sir."  
  
Scotty continued his tirade. "They don't place the same value on life as we do, Spock, you know that. Take my word she did not shed one bloody tear."  
  
Spock was unimpressed, "Hardly conclusive, Mr. Scott, since Klingons have no tear ducts." He turned to me. "Lieutenant, any response from Starfleet since our dispatch."  
  
"Yes, sir." I looked at him calmly.  
  
He waited for me to continue. Finally he prompted, "And?"  
  
"Commander Uhura is experiencing technical difficulties, Sir."  
  
He understood at once. I saw approval in his eyes. "Curious. Very well, for twenty-four hours we'll agree this conversation did not take place."  
  
"A lie?" I asked in surprise.  
  
"An omission." As he walked off with Mr. Scott to count torpedoes I pondered his words.  
  
******************  
  
We all sat stunned as the verdict came in. "Guilty. Rura Pente." I tried to imagine what must have been going on back at fleet headquarters. I knew that West would be incensed. James T. Kirk was one of his personal heroes. Spock wasted no time getting back to the investigation. I was astounded when he claimed we were descended from Sherlock Holmes. I wondered at that. I would have to ask my grandmother.  
  
He put me in charge of the investigation. I was to search the ship looking for evidence.  
  
Chekov was perplexed. "What are we looking for?"  
  
Spock turned to me, "Lieutenant?"  
  
I answered unhesitatingly, "Two pairs of gravity boots."  
  
******************  
  
The crew turned the ship inside out. They looked everywhere and I led them in that effort. Well, not quite everywhere. My cabin was overlooked, just as I suspected Spock's was.  
  
Watching Spock I was struck by his dedication to clearing his friends. No wonder my mother had been jealous of Kirk. And probably of McCoy to a lesser extent. My mother had probably never felt that she had that kind of devotion from him.  
  
He let me run the investigation as I saw fit. His indulgence of me was incredible. I knew it was not the fond tolerance of a father and that distressed me. But I still played it. Firing the phaser in the mess hall just to prove a point was the final test. I should have been verbally reprimanded; instead I sensed only approval in his look.  
  
And then I again witnessed him in a lie. After prompting Mr. Scott for false damage reports, he turned to me and instructed, "Valeris, please inform Starfleet command that our warp drive is inoperative."  
  
"A lie?" I asked.  
  
"An error," he corrected.  
  
*******************  
  
The game was no longer fun. We were getting too close. Chekov had found the blood on the transporter pad and now all the uniforms were being collected. Spock had been right, the boots were hanging around our necks like a pair of Tiberian bats. I planted one pair in crewman Dax's quarters. I wanted to throw off the searchers but I was not interested in framing an innocent man. I knew his lizard-like feet would remove him from the lists of suspects. I hoped that my finding the boots, and obvious chagrin over the incident would throw suspicion off me later.  
  
But still Spock worked to find the truth. He had figured out that there was a cloaked ship beneath us, that it was this ship that really fired. He had the blood. And one pair of boots. And now we were miraculously on our way to rescue the Captain.  
  
I had to move the suits. But where? Somewhere they would quickly be found, but in a way that would look like they had been there for a long time. The conference room. It had a ventilation shaft that would fit the suits. No meetings had been held there. Now I needed to get someone in there. And I knew who.  
  
"Mr. Scott?"  
  
He was carrying a cup of tea. "Aye, Lieutenant."  
  
"I've been going over every possible hiding place on the ship. And I remembered that I had these blueprints for studying for my finals at the Academy. I thought they might come in handy. But I am not that familiar with a starship. Perhaps you could help me?"  
  
He nodded and I said, "We need somewhere we can spread these out, somewhere quiet, where we won't be disturbed."  
  
He started off. "Let's just commandeer the conference room, why don't we."  
  
A few minutes late he was settling down at the table. The computer suddenly paged me. "Lt. Valeris, Lt. Valeris, please report to deck 3 security."  
  
Scott looked up from the drawings. "You go on. I'll stay here and see what I come up with."  
  
"If you're sure you don't mind."  
  
"Not at all."  
  
I left. I had one more thing to do.  
  
************************  
  
Five minutes later, I was standing in the tunnel that led from the main transporter room, trying to get Sandeau and Burke to shut up.  
  
"Gentlemen this is a public place. We need to have this discussion somewhere else. Let's go to one of the Jeffries tubes."  
  
Sandeau moved toward me, "Like hell, Valeris. I'm so sick of you ordering us around. This whole thing's going to hell. They're going to find us. And you just sit there playing detective while we try to hide the evidence. Then you go and move it again! Why?"  
  
"They need to find it. Or they will never stop looking."  
  
Sandeau's expression darkened even more. "They find those uniforms, they find us. What are you playing at?"  
  
"They'll never be able to pin it on you, I told you I have entries of you using the computer during the time of the attack."  
  
Sandeau's hand slapped me across the face before I could react. "What can be added, can just as easily be erased. You're planning a doublecross aren't you?"  
  
Burke spoke up for the first time, "She wouldn't do that to us, Rick. Don't hit her again."  
  
Sandeau turned on Burke, "Open your eyes, John! She doesn't care about you. Or me. We're liabilities now." His hand whipped out again but this time I was ready. I caught it with my own and stopped it from hitting me in the face.  
  
"Do you remember what I told you I'd do if you touched me again, you pig?" I reached behind me and with my other hand drew out the phaser I had hidden underneath the jacket in the back of my uniform.  
  
"Oh yeah, and what are you going to do to me, Valeris. Go ahead. Show me how scared I should be." He shook free of my hand and spread his arms wide. "C'mon lets see what you can do, you pointy-eared bitch."  
  
The gun was to his temple before he realized what was happening. A long burst on stun and he fell to the ground and did not move again.  
  
I looked over at Burke who was staring in confusion at his friend's body. I made my voice very small and afraid. "He would have hurt me, John. You know that? I had to do it."  
  
He looked so confused. His eyes stared at his friend on the floor. "You killed him, Valeris. I don't understand?"  
  
I pushed myself against him, wrapped my arms around him, felt his own arms come around me. "He would have hurt me, John. He would have hurt me so bad."  
  
His embrace tightened as he murmured, "Shhh. It's all right then. I couldn't let him hurt you. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you."  
  
I looked up at him and then I kissed him, a long sweet kiss. The sweetest I could give him. As he looked at me with adoration, I whispered to him, "Do you remember when you said you would die for me, John? Did you mean that?"  
  
He reached his hand out to stroke my cheek, so gently. "With all my heart. I've loved you for so long. I'd willingly give my life for yours."  
  
My left hand reached up to cover his. I pressed it hard into my face so that I could feel his emotions. With bitterness in my heart I lifted my other hand, laid the phaser against his temple. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to do just that."  
  
There was no fear, no anger. Just confusion.and love. My eyes filled with tears as I pulled the trigger. I felt his shock, his mental cry of *Valeris?* I released his hand before I could feel his spark of personality turn to nothingness. His body fell to the ground next to Sandeau.  
  
I left them there to be discovered. I knew it was just a matter of time now. I barely made it back to my quarters before the sobs I had been holding in came out.  
  
What had I become? What kind of monster had I become?  
  
******************************  
  
I was in my quarters. My eyes hurt from crying. My head ached from the tension that seemed always to be with me now. So many loose ends, I thought, so many things that won't make sense. I stared at the last pair of gravity boots. I would stash them in engineering, near enough to the engines that there could conceivably have been interference. I was planning how best to get them there undetected when the ship-wide announcement began.  
  
"Now hear this, now hear this. Court reporter to sickbay, code blue urgent. Statements to be taken at once from Yeomen Burke and Sandeau. Repeat, court reporter to sickbay."  
  
There was no way they were alive. A phaser on stun at close range if aimed at just the right place was as lethal as one on the higher setting. West had taught me that. Was it possible that I had miscalculated? That my two accomplices were alive and mad and ready to turn me in? I didn't stop to think. I grabbed my phaser and hurried to sickbay. When I got there the room was darkened. Only the signals over the biobeds and the night lighting allowed me to see where I was going. I moved deliberately, phaser at the ready, this time I would not miss.  
  
I heard a rustle then the light came on. Spock lay in the biobed, his face as angry as I had ever seen it. I tried to hide my shock, but his words took me aback.  
  
"You have to shoot." He sat up, got off the bed. As I backed up he stalked toward me. "If you *are* logical you have to shoot."  
  
I could feel my eyes tear up. The phaser shook in my hand. One shot, one shot. But I couldn't. I had murdered once in anger, and once in necessity. I found now that I could not add my father to my list of victims. "I do not want to."  
  
He moved so close to me I could feel his rage. "What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand."  
  
Kirk sat up in the other bed. "I'd just as soon you didn't."  
  
I looked helplessly back up at Spock. His eyes were furious as he slapped the phaser from my hand so hard I felt bones snap. The weapon went flying. Tears of pain and confusion spilled from my eyes.  
  
McCoy walked into the room from his office. His voice was cold. "The operation is over."  
  
Kirk made a call on the comm unit. Three security guards came in from the corridor.  
  
Spock was breathing hard, obviously fighting for control. I had the sense that he would tear me apart limb by limb if he did not succeed.  
  
Kirk touched him gently. I watched my father respond to his friend. "Come on, Spock." He looked at McCoy, "Bring her up to the bridge in ten minutes. I need to talk to Spock first."  
  
The doctor nodded. "You've got it." He looked at me with dislike. Then he noticed that I was cradling my broken hand. "Here, let me fix that."  
  
"Kindness, Doctor?"  
  
His look was devoid of warmth. "Not at all. Just don't want anything to distract you from telling the truth."  
  
"Where is your healer's compassion?"  
  
"I left it on Rura Pente."  
  
*********************  
  
I stood in front of them all. Alone. I was extremely uncooperative. "I did not fire. You cannot prove anything."  
  
Kirk was quick to disagree, "Yes I can. At my trial my personal log was used against me. How long did you wait outside my quarters before I noticed you?"  
  
I ignored him and turned to Spock. "You knew? I tried to tell you but you would not listen."  
  
Spock was still clearly angry, but a veneer of control was back n place. "Neither of us was hearing very well that night, Lieutenant. There were things I tried to tell you, about having faith."  
  
I looked around the bridge. "You betrayed the Federation, all of you."  
  
McCoy was incredulous. "And what do you think you've been doing."  
  
"Saving Starfleet. Klingons cannot be trusted." I appealed to Kirk, "Sir, you said so yourself, they killed your son, did you not wish Gorkon dead? Let them die, you said. Did I misinterpret you?" He looked down as he heard his words. I tried to press my advantage, "And you were right. They conspired with us to assassinate their own Chancellor. How trustworthy can they be?"  
  
McCoy broke the moment, "Klingons and federation members conspiring together."  
  
Kirk looked at me with resolve. Our fragile sympathy was broken. "Who is *us*?"  
  
"Everyone who stands to lose from peace."  
  
He was impatient, "Names, Lieutenant."  
  
I made sure that my voice was now as coldly Vulcan as I could make it. "My comrades will make certain all your ship to shore transmissions are jammed."  
  
"Names, Lieutenant!" Kirk was getting angry.  
  
"I do not.remember." I turned my back on them all to look out at empty space.  
  
Spock's voice rang out. "A lie?"  
  
He was using my own words against me. But I was as clever as he. I looked at him over my shoulder as I replied, "A choice."  
  
He looked at me as we both realized what that simple word meant. I was not choosing him. He thought as a lover. I knew as a father. In any case, I was rejecting him and all that he stood for.  
  
Kirk said one word, "Spock."  
  
I waited for the rest of his order. It did not come. Spock was coming down the stairs. I could hear him approaching me. I didn't understand what was happening. Then I could feel him behind me, his hand on my arm, the grip savage. He wrenched me roughly back to face him. Then he reached for my face. I could not believe he would do this. Not without my permission. I pulled away but he yanked me back to him. His anger fairly pulsated as he reached for my face.  
  
Then he was inside me, and his anger was the only thing I knew. His mind- fingers tore through my thoughts, my memories, searching for the names of the conspirators. I tried to build shields but each time he ripped through them. The pain was unimaginable. I dodged and ran and tried to block him but it was too late, he had found the information that he wanted.  
  
Our voices rang out together, "Admiral Cartwright."  
  
I was dimly aware of Chekov's incredulous "From Starfleet?"  
  
Then Kirk's voice rang out. "Who else?"  
  
We spoke again, "General Chang."  
  
"Who else?"  
  
"Romulan Ambassador Nanclus."  
  
Spock quit looking then. Before he could make me betray West also.  
  
Kirk's voice was louder as I attempted to pull away from Spock. "Where is the Peace Conference?"  
  
I could feel tears on my face. Spock's anger battered at me. I tried to hide from him.  
  
"Where is the Peace Conference?"  
  
I felt Spock's other hand come up, tighten the meld, and the searing pain turned into an inferno. His mind was everywhere, ripping at me, slashing what it touched. I had never felt such violation. I retreated, and he advanced, I cried out, *Leave me alone* and he advanced.  
  
*Tell me!* his mind-voice was a raging storm as he reached for me again.  
  
I was deep in my mind. I could go no further because something blocked my path. My weapon, my dagger, my hatred, my pain. *I'll tell you, you son of a bitch. I'll tell you*  
  
With an audible cry I let it fly at him. The feeling of it rushing past me, free at last after all these years caused me to cry out again. I grabbed the pain that I felt at that moment, the terror at his mad rage and added that to the mix. My sounds of triumph, of pure rage, must have seemed like cries of pain to those watching.  
  
But the one in pain made no sound. I felt his mind absorb the memories, retreat frantically from my own mind. I followed him screaming all the way to the doorway of his own mind. Would have followed him in there too but he dropped his hands abruptly, severing the link and leaving us both disoriented.  
  
"She does not know." In that moment, as we looked at each other, I saw a broken man. And in the wreckage of my shattered soul I felt a burst of compassion for him. Tears threatened. But the moment was over, the burst of compassion imploded, when he turned his back on me and returned to his captain.  
  
I was no longer listening as they contacted Excelsior. I was suddenly so exhausted I could barely stand. But I did stand, far longer than I thought I could. Long enough to know that there had been no reason for Kirk to get the location from me. That Sulu had known it all along. In my incredulous anger I again lost track of the conversation, till Kirk snapped at me.  
  
"How many of those things are there?"  
  
They had been talking about the ship that could fire when cloaked. I just stared at him.  
  
"Come on, Lieutenant."  
  
There was nothing left to gain by not answering. "Just the prototype."  
  
************************  
  
The ship turned for Khitomer and McCoy stepped up and led me from the bridge. Three guards followed us to the brig. I stepped into the cell and the forcefield came up. McCoy studied me.  
  
"Kindness, Doctor?"  
  
He shook his head. "Empathy. He did it to me once."  
  
"Spock did?"  
  
"In another reality. A mirror reality." He shook his head as he looked at me. "I would have bet money that our Spock could never do something that barbaric."  
  
"Well he did. You saw it yourself."  
  
"Yes." His face went hard, "You have a lot to answer for, Valeris. I hope you rot in hell."  
  
"I've lived there for years, Doctor, this won't be any different."  
  
"Well I imagine you'll have plenty of time to discuss that with the psychiatrist they assign you in the penal institution. Plenty of time. Your whole damn life if there's any justice." He turned on his heel and left.  
  
******************************  
  
Later in the brig I felt the ship shudder as it was hit by enemy fire. Chang, I thought. He, of all of us, will not let this peace happen. He hated us as much if not more than we hated him. I had never met him but West had told me what a zealot he was.  
  
As the battle continued I waited for the end. We could surely not win against a cloaked bird of prey. I was thrown from the bunk several times then suddenly I felt the umistakeable feel of our ship firing weapons. What had happened? Then there was silence. Only silence.  
  
I could not believe it. Chang had lost. He was our last best hope to stop this peace. All was lost now. All was truly lost.  
  
********************************************  
  
On the ground at Camp Khitomer, Sarek did not look at me as he held me in the background with McCoy.  
  
Kirk had saved the President from our assassin.  
  
Cartwright did his best to bluff his way out. He pointed to the Enterprise crew. "Arrest those men."  
  
Sarek handed me to his son. "Arrest yourself," he said as Spock pulled me out into full view.  
  
McCoy explained, "We've got a full confession."  
  
Suddenly a scream echoed and a Klingon crashed through the glass panels near the ceiling and fell like a stone to the floor. I looked over in shock, thinking it was one of Chang's men. Then, like the Klingon attending him, I notice the blood was red, not pink. The mask was pulled up and it was West. I felt my legs nearly collapse. Only Spock's hand on my arm kept me upright.  
  
Azetbur pushed her way out of the circle of Klingons protecting her. "What's happened? What's the meaning of all of this?"  
  
Kirk helped the President back to the podium then turned to her. "It's about the future, Madame Chancellor. Some people think the future means the end of history. Well, we haven't run out of history quite yet." He looked at me for a moment, then turned back to her. "Your father called the future the undiscovered country. People can be very frightened of change."  
  
The Klingon Chancellor gave me a long look as well. But her words were for Kirk. "You've restored my father's faith."  
  
Kirk smiled at her, "And you've restored my son's."  
  
And I wanted to throw up. I was being held by the man who should have restored mine. And in the meantime, my beloved West was lying in a puddle of blood not ten steps away. He lay dead and Spock and the rest lived. And the Klingons would live too, live in peace. Vicious animals sharing our universe and everyone clapping and cheering. I was my most Vulcan. I did not betray anything or anyone. My father and grandfather barely looked at me. And I didn't spare them a glance.  
  
************************  
  
I was transferred to the Federation authorities. The guards tried to frighten me with tales of extradition, but I was relatively certain that Starfleet officials would not let us go until they had assured themselves that all the perpetrators were in custody or dead. We were taken to Earth for questioning.  
  
I was unreachable. Stoic, impassive, a true Vulcan. It was laughable. For I was so far from a Vulcan at that moment. I was merely a human that had lost every single thing I cared about. It no longer mattered to me whether I lived or died. I could not imagine feeling any worse.  
  
A few days after I'd been transferred to the holding facility in San Francisco, I had a visitor. A red-haired woman approached my cell slowly.  
  
"Cassie!" I was up and at the forcefield without conscious thought. "Cassie, god I'm so glad you came."  
  
She stared at me like I was some unknown life form.  
  
"Cassie?"  
  
Her voice was dead. "You lied to me. Everything you said was lie."  
  
I reached out for her, pulled back as I felt the sting of the forcefield. "Not everything. Our friendship was never a lie. Never."  
  
"How can you say that? The woman who was my friend doesn't exist!" Her tone was savage now. "You're not even Vulcan."  
  
"I am Vulcan, just not full. But none of that matters, don't you see. The person I am, the real me, was the one that lived with you. That loved you. Cassie, let me prove it, let me meld with you. I can show you it was real. I can show you that my friendship for you has never wavered."  
  
She looked at me in fear and disgust. "Let you touch me? Let you meld me with me? You're insane. I never want to see you again!"  
  
I was desperate now, "Cassie. We said friends forever, remember? Forever and ever?"  
  
She was as cold as any Vulcan. "The woman that was my friend is dead. And you, you I never want to see again. Not ever."  
  
She fled from the room. I walked to my bunk, tears blinding my eyes. I had been wrong. The pain was now ten times worse.  
  
************************************  
  
Spock had not been by to see me. I surmised that, like Cassie, he would want nothing more to do with me. So I was surprised to hear his voice calling me from the dozing and daydreaming I had taken up to fill the days. I looked over to see him at the forcefield. His look was distant. He looked fifty years older.  
  
"Spock."  
  
"Valeris. Or do you prefer to be called Rise Chapel?"  
  
I rose and walked toward him. "I would rather not hear that name coming from you."  
  
He nodded, his look was bitter. "Of course."  
  
"I did not expect to see you here."  
  
"I did not expect to come. But I have found that I cannot make sense of what has happened. I wish to try to understand why you did what you did."  
  
"My betrayal?" At his nod, I continued, "My betrayal of you or of the peace process."  
  
"You did not betray just the peace process you jeopardized every man, woman, and child in the Federation."  
  
"I will never see it that way."  
  
"You had reason to hate them, just as Jim did. But he found the strength to put aside his hatred. Why could you not do that?"  
  
"I did not wish to."  
  
"You are a spoiled child, Valeris."  
  
"You are half right, I am still a child. I am only 17. Did you realize that?" I shrugged casually, "But I'm not using that as an excuse. I have spent much of my time here looking back. Trying to see where things went wrong. And I can see all the turning points where I refused to veer from the road I had chosen. But for all the things I have done, for all the betrayals and lies, I learned of love, I learned of courage, and I learned that blood can ultimately mean very little. I understand now that our family are the people we choose to love, not necessarily the ones that share our blood."  
  
"Colonel West would have been family then?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
He walked over to a machine, punched in a code, the vid screen outside my cell lit up. "There is something I want you to see. Do you know what kind of rifle your West was using at the conference?"  
  
"Probably a sniper rifle. One with a vid scope."  
  
"Yes. And Mr. Scott, after shooting him, was able to retrieve the gun and save the footage. We are going to use it as evidence. But I wanted you to see one little part. I think you will find it enlightening."  
  
I watched the video. West had captured the chaos in the hall. He had frantically scanned each person till the scope had come to rest on me. For several long seconds the gun was trained on me, then suddenly the picture jerked upward, settling on a view of the ceiling, and then went dead.  
  
Spock's voice was chillingly triumphant. "You thought of West as a father, didn't you?"  
  
"I still do."  
  
"Unfortunate. As he clearly intended to kill you to save himself. Perhaps you should watch it again."  
  
"I do not need to. You are going with the darkest alternative. That is another thing I have decided in here. I am tired of living in this eternal blackness. I am tired of always being suspicious, on guard, afraid. I am glad to be free of that."  
  
"So you think there is another explanation for why of all the people down there he chose to target you in his sighting mechanism?"  
  
"Yes. A far simpler one. Love."  
  
He cocked his eyebrow in disbelief. "Please explain."  
  
"He may well have intended to kill me. But if he did it was to protect me in the same twisted way that my mother thought keeping me a secret from you would keep me safe. I have learned that parents do rather drastic things to protect their young. West may well have feared that I would be sent to Rura Pente or executed by the Klingons. He may have intended to spare me that."  
  
I could see Spock's acceptance of that answer.  
  
"But there are still other alternatives. It is also very possible that in the next second the scope would have swung up to you. You were standing next to me, holding me. If he had shot you I might have been able to escape."  
  
Again I saw grudging acceptance.  
  
"But there is an alternative I prefer even more. He could not see well from his vantage point except through the scope. It is possible he was merely making sure that I was there. The scope was trained on me for quite a while, yet he did not fire. He was a professional. He would never have not taken such an easy shot. I think he just wanted to make sure that I was unharmed."  
  
Spock looked angry.  
  
"You came to shake my faith in the man. You wanted to hurt me." I gave him a bitter human smile. "Don't you understand that you can't hurt me anymore. You can't touch me now. I am beyond that."  
  
He began to speak in archaic Vulcan. I had some difficulty following but knew what he was doing. "You are no longer of my house. You are no longer the child of my body. You will never see the faces of your family; we shall turn our backs to you. Our doors shall be locked against you. Our wealth will never succor you. Our honor will never sustain you. You are k'l'k'fara. You are nothing. You are no one. You have no name. You have no house."  
  
When he finished I looked at him emotionlessly. "I was never of your house, Spock of Vulcan, he who is no longer my father. I never wanted your wealth and I don't believe in your honor!"  
  
"Do not disparage my honor, Valeris."  
  
"Is it honorable to rape a mind? To tear through private memories because you have been betrayed. Is that your version of honor, to violate someone in that manner?"  
  
His eyes were cast down. I could feel the shame flowing off him. "I regret that I did such a thing with such dark intentions. I was angry."  
  
"Yes. And in a way I understand that. But do not preach to me then of Vulcan honor." I pulled myself up haughtily. "I am content with being no one in your world. I do not want your name, I have never had it, and I make no claim on it now. I do not want to be a part of your house, I shall make my own."  
  
He looked utterly defeated. "You should have told me, Valeris. You caused me to act in such a shameful manner. You were my own daughter and you let me fall in love with you."  
  
"And I regret that. But I was a child when we first me, by the time I realized what was happening it was already too late. The damage was done."  
  
Spock began again to speak in Vulcan. This time it was only to say, "You are no one so there is no reason to bid you long life. You are nothing so I do not wish prosperity to be wasted."  
  
I stared at him impassively. I did not have to fight back tears. There were none. What had been between my father and I was forever done.  
  
With one last look he turned around and walked out of my life.  
  
*****************  
  
So that is the end of my story. What do you think of it? The doctors would kill to hear it. As far as I can tell Spock has told no one the truth. Not even his captain. I certainly don't plan to shame my mother's name with a full confession. Although sometimes I think it should be out there. The truth. And it may still come to light if they ever decide to do a DNA match. But somehow I think that Spock will get my records buried almost as effectively as Cassius Miranda would. And in the long run what does it matter who my parents were? *I* am the traitor and in the Federation's view nothing will ever excuse that.  
  
I do not know what is they have planned for me. They may yet decide to extradite me to the Klingons. I had begun to worry about that a bit until something changed all that. Someone actually. For you see one of the newer guards here, a shaggy beast of a man, has taken a very big interest in me. At first I was repulsed. Until one day I looked into his eyes and thought I saw something familiar. Something I thought I would never see again. It was love.  
  
"Cameron?" I whispered unbelievingly.  
  
"Rise," he said. "Rise."  
  
I felt joy suffuse me, joy I had thought was now lost to me forever.  
  
"I thought you were dead!"  
  
He laughed softly, "I probably should have been several times over. Let's just say I ran into some trouble on a very strict world. Spent some time in their version of this," he gestured to my cell. "This is paradise compared to that."  
  
I still couldn't believe he was really here, standing before me. He was an older man now than the last time I saw him. But his golden eyes were the same.  
  
He smiled at me tenderly. "I was back on Earth just as the whole conspiracy thing broke. When I heard your name I was determined to rescue you. Miranda got me the necessary credentials to be assigned to your section."  
  
Now when he is on duty his ruse is to come to the side of my cell and try to get me to talk to him. I sit with my head down and ignore him. Or so it looks to the other guards, who tease him unmercifully for being fixated with a villainess. He tells me they disgust him. That he'd like to pummel them into the ground for saying such a thing about a woman he considers his own daughter.  
  
And so night after night, Cameron comes to me and tells me the latest news. He has been working for some time on the construction of a new ship. And in two days time the Shayla will be ready to go. He worries that all his funds have gone into building this amazing update to the Miranda. That he will break me out of this holding facility only to have us wander the galaxy with nothing. I laugh and murmur that money will never be a worry for us because of Shayla. She will carry us to safety and once we are there she will ensure nobody ever harms us.  
  
Oh, not that they won't look for us. But both of us will be a changed person. Literally. Cameron has arranged with Miranda for us to have new identities. He will be William Thompson. He left it up to me to pick the first name that would proceed his surname. We will also have some cosmetic surgery performed when we get safely away from this sector. Cameron will have just a few changes done for very few people will see the handsome man I remember in the shaggy brute that guards me. And for me? With a skilled surgeon and a little time to recover I will finally look like what I really am. A human. And not one that looks anything like Rise Chapel or Valeris. They will change my features, my hair color, my eye color, my blood color if I have my way. I will be transformed yet again.  
  
We will go far away and live off the considerable sum of latinum Shayla left for me. Or perhaps we will embark on a life of smuggling. Or maybe we will settle down on some world and I will again work with animals. We have not decided yet. We can do anything, go anywhere. But for now our main goal is to get away from here.  
  
I have already decided on a name. Kitt Thompson. My little joke. Khitomer was supposed to spell the end of my life. Instead it will be the beginning of a whole new one. If I need a middle name it will be Jacqueline, for the man who loved me, the man I will never believe planned to kill me.  
  
And perhaps someday I will cross paths with my father again. And if I do, what then? Will I kill him for hurting me? Will I betray him to his enemies? Will I seek to befriend him? None of those things. If I see Spock of Vulcan again, he who sired me, I will turn and walk the other way.  
  
For I will be Kitt Thompson and what could she possibly want with him?  
  
FIN 


End file.
